My Life Right Now

Let me start by stating that I love my husband.
He is a fabulous father and the kids and I LOVE spending time with him. When he's here. And therein lies the problem.

From Monday to Friday his typical schedule is like this:
Up at 5:30 AM
Out the door by 6
At school early to grade papers
7:30 - 2:45 Teach
3 - 5 Work on theater-related stuff (this week that means practicing with a group of kids that will be presenting a one act at this weekend's state theater conference that he will be attending with them - from Thursday night until early Sunday morning....another story for another time)
5:20 -5:45 Home to see kids and me
5:45 Leave to go back to school for evening rehearsal of the fall show
10:30 or so Home

On Tuesdays I teach Hebrew School from 3:30 to 5:30, so he comes home at 3:30 to stay with the kids and then leaves at 5:45 for rehearsal.

Most Saturdays he spends the majority of the day at school for additional rehearsal.

On Sundays I teach Religious School from 9-1. We always have dinner at his parents' on Sundays, a great tradition which, for some reason, has stretched out to now mean he brings the kids there for lunch and stays ALL afternoon through dinnertime. I do housework, grocery shopping, planning, etc. from 1:30 - 4 and then join them for dinner.

Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable when I say I'm feeling overwhelmed and like a single parent?!!!

I love being a mom, and I love teaching, and I love that I have worked out a schedule that allows me to do both. I currently teach three mornings a week from 9-12, but frequently end up subbing on the days I'm not teaching my own class, and come January that will increase to five mornings a week. J is at the same school, so she comes with me in the morning to "help" me set up my room, and comes to my room when the day is done. I drop the boys off at school or at a friend's house to bring them to school in the morning, and have many different people helping me by picking them up at 11:30 and bringing them to school to play until my school day is done. That means absolutely no kid-free quiet moments for me.

I really do enjoy running the household, but taking care of the groceries, the meal planning, the cooking, the clean-up, the picking up, the bills, the incoming paperwork, the holiday shopping, the house cleaning, AND the laundry is a lot to squeeze in. Add to that the fact that A has Asperger's and B is going through testing to figure out just what is going on in his head and J is just quite challenging most of the time, and that I have researched many different strategies to try with all of them that I am trying to put in our regular weekly schedule.

Add to that my birthday party business that I am trying to run (a fun and quite necessary financial addition to our overall income) and expand.

Add to that my clinical depression and narcolepsy that I take meds for but really have to work on to stay on top of. And the fact that insurance won't pay for more than 25% of my narcolepsy meds so I'm still trying to figure out alternative ways to pay for it.

I am by no means saying that DH doesn't do anything around here. He works incredibly long hours at school, even though if we worked out the hourly rate for all the theater work he is doing it would be next to nothing. He unloads the dishwasher for us every morning (a BIG help) and takes out the trash and the recycling. When he is here in the late afternoons for his chance to see us, I put him to work bathing the kids (C'mon, it's one-on-one quality time with each child!) to make our bedtime routine easier. This Sunday since I didn't have Religious School, he helped by cleaning up the downstairs while I worked some on the computer before we got together with his parents at 11 to buy the kids new shoes (my in-laws buy them shoes each season - sweet!) and help them pick out their Christmas tree. It was definitely helpful to have the clean-up taken off my Sunday To Do list. But do I sound like I'm whining when I say it's just not enough?!

I've talked with DH about this A LOT. He made a HUGE decision last week that he would not be assistant directing the spring show at the High School any more. Instead, he will be directing the Middle School show beginning in January, which means he makes the rehearsal schedule, gets more responsiblity and the recognition (and pay) that he deserves. He plans to have rehearsal three - four afternoons a week from 3 - 5, meaning that he will be home before 5:30 every day and not going out after that. That is, except for the evenings he will have rehearsal at our favorite community theater for the first show he will be actually be part of there in awhile.

So I'm going to keep telling myself that it WILL get easier by the end of December when he has winter break, and then in January, when his schedule changes a lot.

But A has been having a really rough time (since last Wednesday - I should have tried to structure our time off from school more, but damnit, I needed a little break!) which translates into lots more meltdowns (which now include screaming as well as throwing himself to the floor and crying loudly) and difficulty in responding to directions/commands. And J keeps whining about everything. And B is so hyped up I might have to send him upstairs for the rest of his "quiet time" since he keeps jumping on the couch instead of sitting or lying there so we can all have a little down-time.

I welcome ANY and ALL advice, words of wisdom, whatever!

I'm going to keep repeating that it will get better. And taking lots of deep breaths. Always good. In and out. Repeat.

To Do List for the Kids

One of the times that we have been having a LOT of trouble with is the transition from school to home. I'm tired, they're tired, it's hard to stay focused, stuff ends up everywhere, I'm sure that's not an uncommon scenario.

I created a simple To Do list for each child, taking photos of whatever they felt was appropriate for each item on the list, and copied them each onto their favorite color cardstock. Today we used it for the first time. As soon as they had buckled themselves in, I handed them each their personal to do list so they could review it in the car. I wish I could say that they were each able to stay focused independently and complete all the tasks with no prompts from me, but that is our ultimate goal. It did help me get them focused, and I could now remind them to pick up their list again because they still needed to do # __. When they felt they were finished, they came over to me and we read their lists together, making sure each one was completed, and then they received major praise and reinforcement from me. And now the boys are onto A's tv choice for quiet time, and will be on to their computer time soon (when J gets her tv choice), so I better get my butt in gear to do my chores for the day while they're resting.

Our New Schedule

I took Trace's advice and joined photobucket so I could show you all the schedule I created for our afternoon. I'm learning how much better all the kids (and I) do structure, and created this visual one for us to use. Let me know what you think or if you have any questions about how we're using it. We tried it yesterday and it was a FABULOUS day!

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there lived a harried mom who was tired all the time. She would wake up in the morning, get the kids dressed and fed, and feel the need to go back to sleep. She would usually fight this feeling as much as possible. She would drive the kids to their schools and then teach two-year-olds for three hours and feel awake (because it's kind of hard to teach little ones without being constantly "on"), but when class was over and her own children joined her in her classroom, her energy level would begin to drop. She would herd her children to their van, make sure they were buckled in, drive them home and feed them (yet again), get them cleaned up, and then make them lay down on the couch for "quiet time." As soon as the harried mom sat down, her eyelids became so heavy it took all her effort to keep them open. So she would often go upstairs to nap for a little, but after sleeping for a little it became nearly impossible for her to force herself completely out of her semi-sleep state. She would sometimes come up with places to take the kids, mainly because moving around was one of the main ways she could stay awake. When night came and the kids were in bed, the harried mom would pour herself into her own bed. Whether napping or sleeping for the night, the harried mom could go into a dream state almost instantly. It's how she always fell asleep: shut her eyes, thought of a dream, and went into it. At the start of the dream she would be still awake a little bit, enough to manipulate the dream however she wanted, though she no longer could move her body. And then she would sink deeper and deeper into the dream.

The harried mom finally saw a specialist to figure out why she was tired all the time and discovered that she had Narcolepsy. Finally - a reason why she felt tired all the time. And the new knowledge that the way she fell asleep was NOT the way it worked for everyone else. So the doctor gave her medicine to help her be awake when she wanted to be. The only problem was she was no longer able to shut her eyes and begin dreaming. Now her mind raced even though she was tired and quiet and lying in bed. Instead of going into dream houses or seeing old crushes who now found her irresistable, her mind thought about the different things she needed to do the next day and the different things she didn't get to do that day.

The harried mom was frustrated. How could she be wide awake the next day, even with medicine, if she couldn't fall asleep at night? So the harried mom contacted her equally harried sister, who suggested the age old remedy of keeping a notebook by the bed and writing out all the stuff in the mom's head BEFORE she tried to fall asleep. What do you know? It worked! And the harried mom lived happily ever after . . . for the next two weeks, which is how long the sample packs of medicine will last her. And her quest for the miracle drugs continues, but that is a tale for another day.

The End.

Questions

Alright all you computer savy people out there, I'd love some advice:

1) What anti-virus software do you use? I had one expert tell me that Norton slows things down a LOT. Do you use that, or is there something else you prefer?

2) I just made some great schedules for the kids (based on the conference I attended on Friday). They are PDF files. Any suggestions on how to post them here so I can share them?

If you have your own blog but don't know the answer, could you send people my way so I could get lots of input? THANK YOU!

What a Great Day!

What a great day!
I got together with some of my Flyfriends (from my local Flylady message board) last night for our bi-annual "Thanksgivingfest" (because we are all so thankful for the support we get from each other - aaawwww). I had a great time, even though my babysitter cancelled at the last minute and I had to bring the kids with me. The kids were great, surprisingly, and we stayed later than I had planned. One of the best parts of the evenings, besides catching up with a LOT of great people (like the Domestic Goddess, Trace, Perky, and a few others who don't have blogs), was the gift I received from Trace, the fabulous hostess. She had a few sample packs of Provigil that she gave to me. My insurance company told me their final answer yesterday about my narcolepsy meds: they'll cover 25% which means I'll "only" have to pay $300 a month. Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. I'm trying to come up with ways to "fight the system" and would welcome ANY suggestions anyone has. I tried contacting Cephalon (who makes the medication) but they could only help me in paying for the medication if my insurance didn't cover it at all. Uh, okay, so their coverage still forces me to pay WAAAAY more than I could POSSIBLY pay - couldn't you help ME?!!!

Since Trace gave me some sample packs, I was able to take one this morning, and I tried another one at lunch time. I felt a difference right away. Today was the first day I tried the second pill - WOW! I was able to stay alert all afternoon into the night. I didn't feel high or jittery (maybe a little, but I'll wait and see if my body adjusts to it), just awake. Amazing!

And today was great for another reason - I was able to work things out so I could attend a full day conference about teaching kids with Asperger's. The entire conference was riveting for me. I came away with so many incredible ideas to use immediately and other great ideas about revising A's IEP (Indivdual Education Plan) since a good portion of it was about writing appropriate goals for kids with Asperger's. I am so pumped about this I can't wait to get started.

The conference was about an hour away, so I had lots of time in the car to think. I have lots of other blog posts perculating up in my head so I'm hoping to type them up soon.

This too shall pass

ARGH! What was I thinking?!!
Two boys sick at home?
Twice as many things to do to keep them occupied, hydrated, dry (thank you, A), and resting!

I have managed to also keep doing laundry. I've also cleaned out the costume dress-up area in the playroom. And I'm tackling paperwork upstairs in our bedroom.

Now the boys are actually hungry, so I'm off to make lunches.
As for J - my wonderful sister volunteered to bring her home for a playdate. Yes!

Getting ready to Tackle It

B is still sick (that awful barking cough) but no longer has the high fever he spiked yesterday. He clearly passed it on to A, who woke up whining so much I finally realized he must be sick. I touched his head and it was burning up. At least no cough .... yet. Luckily my sister is available to pick up J to bring her to school and bring her home again at 12. I don't know what I'm going to do when she goes back to St. Lucia on December 1st for SIX WEEKS.

So this mornings the boys will be camped out on the couch watching tv so they can rest. J will be in school. I will be stuck in the house. See where this is going?

DH and I have been catching up on laundry, but my "tackle it" projects for today include finishing all the laundry in the house. I know we always make more, but if I do one or two loads a day, we're good. So if I can just get caught up, I'll be able to do maintenance every day to stay on top of it.

I started organizing the playroom (but forgot to take before pictures for the organizational challenge) yesterday, so my next "tackle it" project is to finish it. There are certain toys that the kids have not played with in SOOO long, but DH always feels that if his parents gave them the toys we should NEVER get rid of them. I might put them away and see how long it takes him to even notice it. Then we can discuss the fact that they're just TOYS and it doesn't mean anything negative against his parents!

And finally, I plan to order groceries for the month (gotta love free delivery e-mails) since we're really low on food.

As soon as J gets picked up I'm jumping in the shower and starting my projects for the day. I need to set up a neb treatment for B first, and make each boy change out of his overnight pull-up so they don't pee and poop in it all day. Which means I need to help A change into two piece pajamas so he can more easily go to the bathroom. He's really out of it, but taking his temperature is VERY traumatic for him, so I'm just going to let it go.

Alright, here goes!

I Quit!

So I just can't take the pressure of the NaBlo whatever thingy to blog every single day. Maybe next year.

B is sick right now with croup. He woke us up at 5 this morning with that awful croup bark and gasping for air. After a neb treatment he was good enough to go back to bed, even though he still didn't sound great. Daddy stayed home with him since I was having two families come in today to observe my class to decide if they wanted to sign their child/children up for January. B spiked a fever as the day went on, but we stayed on top of the breathing with the neb treatments every four hours and have the vaporizer on full blast right by him, so hopefully won't be making any ER trips tonight.

As for my talk with DH, it went well. He made a HUGE decision to stop doing the High School shows for next year. He'll still "consult" once or twice a week, but won't have the same committment - which is so big. He also is going to make more of an effort to come home between his rehearsals to see the kids and give me a little break. I'm feeling very hopeful.

Plus I upped my anti-depressant by half a pill. That might also factor into the fact that I'm feeling so much better.

Tonight's the Night

DH will actually be home in time for us to attend a birthday party as a family this afternoon (gasp) and will NOT be going out tonight (gasp gasp). So...after the kids are in bed I plan on talking with him about his schedule. I think I will be stressing the concepts: "Family needs to come first" and "Compromise" and "I feel like a single parent!"

Wish me luck.

Halloween pictures

Curious about what my children were for Halloween?






J was Cinderella, which was very easy to do since we already had the dress. She wanted her face painted like her brothers so I put a heart on one cheek and a magic wand on the other.
















B wanted to be a clown - doesn't he look happy?!!!

And as for my logo-loving son, A, he was the Direct TV logo. Don't ask me why - we don't even HAVE Direct TV!!!

Major vent

DH was in and out for a grand total of 45 minutes tonight. I timed dinner so it would be on the table when he came in so we could eat with him. He ended up getting an emergency phone call from the head director of the high school musical that her FIL was back in the hospital. He ended up talking to her for 15 minutes. He just left to go to rehearsal. Tomorrow he teaches all day, will stay after school for rehearsal, and then will stay in the area for dinner so he can go to the football game that night. Saturday he will be leaving at 8:15 in the morning to go to rehearsal and plans to not be home until late. What is late? Anytime from 2 PM to 10 PM. Thanks, that helps me make plans. Sunday he is "in charge" of the kids while I teach Religious School. He brings them to his parents' for lunch, then the boys to me for school, at which time he returns to his parents' where he left J. When he picks up the boys after school, he returns again to his parents for the rest of the day. I'm expected to join them all for dinner at 4:00. Yes, that is the only time we will have to spend together as a family and it will be with his parents.

Next week is no better. He has rehearsal after school every day and rehearsal at night. I have a few night time things that I REALLY want to be able to do, but will have to find someone else to watch the kids if I want to do any of them, and we don't have any babysitters we know that can sit on a weeknight. I'll try to get one of our parents to help, but it always is clearly such an imposition it's hard to even ask. I'm just so frustrated about his schedule, the amount of time he has to spend with the kids, the amount of time that I'm the single parent. Don't get me wrong - when he's with the kids he is a fabulous father! The kids love him and he clearly loves them. But when they don't get to see him, I'M the one who has to hear them whine and complain about it.

And he just got cast in a show at the community theater where we did a lot of shows B.K. (before kids). I'm truly happy for him. He needs an outlet for himself, a chance to make grown-up friends. BUT....when is he EVER going to be home?!! I try talking to him about this, but for some reason, the head director for the HS show never puts together a regular schedule, so he doesn't know for sure when he needs to be there, and now that her FIL is in the hospital, it might not matter anyway because he'll probably need to be leading rehearsal every night, which means that I won't get a night off for a long time!

He tries to assert that the reason he does the HS shows is for the extra money, but I shoot that one down everytime. If he worked out how much he was making per hour, it would probably come to less that a dollar an hour. Sure, it's nice to get that paycheck when each show is done, but I can think of tons of things either one of us could be doing to bring in the same amount of money for WAY less hours, and they don't even involve me working a corner or dancing around a pole. He's doing this because he loves it, and that's fine, except it just takes so much time away from our family!!!!

And to make matters worse, DH just went to pick up my narcolepsy medicine and it appears that insurance will only take $90 off of the cost, leaving us $400 to pay each MONTH. Obviously that's not possible. So now I have to find time to call the doctor and the insurance company to figure out WHY in the world they're not paying for this medicine that the doctor had specifically told them was necessary.

AARGH!!!

Shutterfly

I love Shutterfly.
I just put together our holiday cards, a calendar to give as gifts, a 5 X 7 photo book to give as another gift, and while I have to go to bed soon before I pass out, I have a good amount of gifts planned out or finished for the holidays.

And now I must sleep!

Weekend Wrap-Up

Very impressive blogger, aren't I?
After posting that I was going to do NaBloPoMo, I posted nothing all weekend. I promise to do better. And this is still Sunday, so technically all I missed was Saturday. That's not too bad!

Not too much to write since it's already past my bedtime.

The meds have been great, though I didn't sleep well at ALL Friday night. I'm trying to give just one pill a day a week for my body to adjust before I attempt to change the dosage. All in all I'm thrilled with the way I have been feeling.

I had enough energy to sort through a TON of paperwork today after religious school, which felt great!!! And yesterday I was even able to reorganize all my business stuff so it no longer takes over a 1/4 of the playroom. I have grand plans for reorganizing the playroom this month, but forgot to take pictures of that section of the room for the "before" for the challenge from my favorite Organizing Junkie. Oh well, there's stil PLENTY left in the room to be organized!

Alright, off to bed!

NaBloPoMo

I almost forgot - this month is NaBloPoMo, which bottom line means I will be writing a post every single day. Just wanted you to know.

Also, I was just talking to my oldest friend in the whole wide world. One of her best friends from college is in the hospital due to an extremely aggresive form of breast cancer. She can use all the prayers she can get right now. It had looked very bad this weekend, but she has become more concious and alert this week. It sounds like the fact that she woke up some is more than the doctors had hoped for, so maybe this is a sign of recovery. Karen has two young children. She is only thirty-five years old.

I'm Awake!

It's two o'clock and I DON'T feel like I need to take a nap. Could the medication have taken effect that quickly? This morning while driving to school was the first time I did NOT feel like closing my eyes at the red lights. I'm feeling a little dizzy, but hopefully that will just be while my body is adjusting to the meds.

I came home from work and still felt human. I feel like I can handle the rest of the day without laying down. I feel "normal."

Brand New Day

It's official - I have Narcolepsy. My two day sleep study results showed that I did not have excessive sleep apnea (no more than 8 per hour), I did show that I feel asleep almost immediately. In fact, the nap study (every two hours they let me take a twenty minute nap) showed that I fell asleep within two minutes EACH time. I knew I fell asleep, but that's fast! I'm so excited to have an actual reason for being so tired all the time. The doctor prescribed PROVIGIL which I'll start tomorrow morning.

One of the descriptions my doctor gave me of narcolepsy is that it's like a faulty dimmer switch in your brain between the wake state and the asleep state and it just doesn't regulate successfully between the two states. This made perfect sense to me!

So now I'm going to set up one more show for the kids to watch while I lay down for a short nap.

The Wedding

We survived the weekend away.
Car ride to VA was a little challenging with J, but overall she did a great job. I packed a TON of snacks for her, and every time she started fussing, I offered her one. I know, great mothering, but you do what you have to do!

The wedding itself was fabulous with a big casual dinner on Saturday night so we all got a chance to catch up, a terrific day on Sunday that started with a one o'clock before wedding ceremony (for the bride and groom to sign the ketubah, the wedding contract) complete with food/drinks/music. J fell asleep in my arms towards the end of that and proceeded to sleep through the entire wedding ceremony, which probably ended up for the best. The reception was incredible - the band played every style imaginable and played them really well. J LOVED dancing with me. She seemed to think that the dancing time was kind of her special time, and even walked out on the dance floor and sat down to watch while the bride and groom had their first dance. I was going to go get her but everyone told me to leave her there, that it was cute.

There was a casual breakfast the next morning, and then we hit the road. J still had moments of whining and fussing, but overall she did great! I was so incredibly relieved.

And now we're back to life, back to reality . . .

Friday Wrap Up, One Day Late

I'm been a bad blogger.

I'm trying to focus on positive stuff, but it's been tough this past week, so I ended up not writing anything. Not a great plan.

Last weekend A regressed some and started decorating with the contents of his pull-ups again. Three times. He has done this since he was little and we always ended up figuring out a way to stop him from getting into his diaper (putting on a onesie over his diaper, putting a zippered sleeper over top of his onesie and diaper, pinning shut the zippered sleeper). Each thing we did worked for a few weeks, give or take, until he figured out how to get to his poop again. Since he has learned to FINALLY use the potty, he has mostly stopped pooping at night, but when he does, he just can't stop himself from putting his hands in it. Friday morning I woke up to him calling me from the bathroom. Because he was trying to clean up, the sink was now covered with poop along with the toilet, the rug, some of the walls (from him shaking his hands) and the blinds. It was a great way to wake up - NOT. When he did it again that night, I held it together enough to call DH (who had just left the house) and tell him to get home immediately because I was too angry to deal with this again. Sunday night A did it again. So the action plan from all this is I clearly need to up his experiences with squishy types of things, which means more shaving cream play, finger painting, etc. And if one gets to do it, the other two want to do it too!

J and I are getting ready to go to a family wedding in Virginia, about a five/six hour drive from here. DH will stay home with the boys. J is SO excited about it - she's been asking all week if we're going to the wedding NOW? Of course I procrastinated, so in the next two hours I need to: shower and dress, pack all our clothes and toiletries, finish packing stuff for J to do in the car (I stopped at the Dollar Tree last night and bought a bunch of neat stuff for her), go to Target to buy her dress up shoes and a cardigan to go with her sleeveless dress, go to Acme to pick up stuff for preschool for Monday (I have a sub and forgot to buy the food supplies), drop off said stuff at school, go to friend's house to drop off MORE stuff for the MOMS Club yard sale tomorrow (nothing like an upcoming yard sale to encourage me to purge lots of stuff!). I think that's it. Man, that's a lot!

I'll be back Monday night. Please wish me luck to get all the above stuff done and that bringing my three year old to a grown-up wedding does not become a total fiasco.

Tackle It Tuesday and other stuff

Okay, I'm thinking ahead to tomorrow. Today I was able to go to Gentile's (local produce store) with the kids and buy a whole bunch of fruits and vegetables. I made a big vat of vegetable soup with black beans and endamame in it for protein. So good I ended up eating two helpings for dinner instead of what I had planned. I forgot all about a meeting after school that I needed to attend, so I ended up not eating my salad (I hadn't made it yet and it was all at home) but came home so starving that instead I ate another helping of the fabulous oatmeal I had made in the crockpot (foolishly had left the crockpot on this morning and so the house was filled with the incredible smell of it, even if it was all dry by then - nothing a little milk didn't solve). So bottom line, while I didn't stick to my plan today for food, I did stick to my calorie range.

My job(s) to tackle for Tuesday is to finish ordering my groceries on-line/planning my meals for the next few weeks. I know that to have any success with my diet I need to plan out my meals and snacks, so this is important.

Today was a little tough because B didn't feel well for a good portion of the afternoon (at least until he FINALLY went to the bathroom - sorry if that's TMI) and when B doesn't feel good, everybody knows it. He was moaning and whining so much. I kept having to stop what I was doing to sit with him and rub his back and his head. Luckily the other two played nicely outside (for the most part) so I could focus on B and my soup. I had started planning for him to come to work with me so he could sit on a couch in the director's office and veg on videos, but he made a total recovery once he went to the bathroom. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Alright, if I want to stick to my plan, I need to get to bed.

Menu Plan Monday

I really worked on planning low-fat/fat-free meals for this week. I can't figure out how to link to my SparkPeople menu plan page, but the menus are mostly from my Fix It and Forget It Lightly book.

Monday:

Breakfast - Overnight Apple Oatmeal p.267

Snack - Apple

Lunch - Salad with endame

Snack - Chai Tea Latte

Dinner - Orange Chicken p. 14

Tuesday:

Breakfast - Oatmeal

Lunch - Black Bean and Corn Soup p. 187

Dinner - I'll be going to a dinner at my synagogue. I'll leave frozen raviolis for the babysitter to make for the kids.

Wednesday:

Lunch - Salad with leftover chicken

Dinner - Eggplant Italian p.223

Thursday:

Lunch - Leftover Eggplant Italian

Dinner - Fruited Flank Steak p. 48

Friday:

Lunch - Salad with leftover flank steak

Dinner - Shabbat dinner at my parents' house

Saturday:

Dinner - Vegetable Lasagna

Sunday:

Dinner - Dinner at my in-laws' house

I'm usually a cereal addict, so I'm going to be working on higher protein breakfasts to see if they satisfy me.

Talk's Cheap: Here's my Action Plan

I'm ready for my fresh start. No more just talk - I'm taking action now.
My birthday is in six months. I'm giving myself until April to lose my weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle complete with exercise and eating right.

I bought a cookbook yesterday that looked like it would help me cook more low-fat foods. And I plan on consistently using Sparkpeople to help me plan my meals/calorie intake. Plus I got what looks to be a good exercise book to use every morning when I get up (provided I DO get up when I need to).

I'm also going to focus on going to bed when DH goes to bed instead of allowing myself to get caught up in other stuff. I think that will really help with getting enough sleep AND giving DH and I time to connect, which is so hard to do with the hours he works.

I can't focus on everything that I want to acheive all at the same time, but I'm hoping by focusing on these areas will be managable.

I'm Sick of It All!

I don't want to write anymore about how tired I am.
I don't want to write anymore about how I'm kicking myself for staying up too late the night before. Or about my other self-destructive habbits involving overeating, not exercising, not taking care of myself in general.

I'm sick of it all.

I need to stop bellyaching and start DOING something about it all.

I just read through a bunch of old posts and am shocked at how often I am repeating myself. I'm overwhelmed by the mess in the house. I'm tired. I'm upset about my weight. Blah, blah, blah. I'm just sick of it all!

So here we go: this is my blog and my life and I can choose what I want to focus on.

Fresh start. Here goes.

In Case You Were Wondering

No big surprise here!


Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

PTSD

Yesterday night I watched a TIVOed episode of Oprah in which Sinead O'Connor talked about her diagnosis of Bipolor disorder and how much her childhood played a part in that. While I know I don't have Bipolor (I have the lows but where are the highs?!!) I could relate to so much of what she said about her childhood and living with the constant feeling of fear and tension.

My brother was the cause of most of the tension in our household growing up. "I" used to take out much of his aggresion on me. Lucky me. My mom was constantly on guard when we were little to protect me from my brother - leaving him alone with me generally did not end well. As we got older the physical assaults mostly ended, but the psychological assaults never did. And the fighting between my brother and my parents never ended. My parents insisted on family dinners, a great idea, in theory, but these dinners ultimately ended in yelling and screaming due to "I". The tension was intense. So intense that despite everything my parents (mainly my mom) did to create happy memories, I really remember very little of my childhood. Except the scary parts, which are pretty clear.

The "footprints" of my childhood left their inprints on my soul. I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder in my twenties. It explained a lot to me. It explained why I had such difficulty making friends, why I had such anxiety most of my life, why I had such trouble with emotional attachments all my life, with staying in the moment. It actually made me feel such relief to have a name, a reason.

But it also makes me so overly aware of how important it is to make sure that our attention to A and his Asperger's does not overshadow the other kids. Yesterday in the car B told me, "I wish I had Asperger's Syndrome." That broke my heart. I tried to get him to talk more about that, and after a little bit I told them how much I wish I was as good at blowing up balloons as B was, and as good on computer as A was, and as good at picking out clothes as J was (what can I say, it was spur of the moment) and how wonderful it was that we all have different things that are special about us.

I need to pay attention to how negative I am with B. I have to focus on "catching him being good" instead of constantly telling him not to whine and not yell and not to hit himself on the head ..... the list goes on. I need to make sure he gets equal attention. And I need to make sure that when A is having a rough day (or J - she can throw a tantrum like nobody's business) I do what I can to keep things peaceful, to not allow the screaming of one affect the rest of us.

A tall order, I know, but one that is too important to ignore.

Feeling so much better

Hormones suck.

PMS sucks.

Depression sucks.

That being said, I feel so much better now. For those of you who read yesterday's post and took the time to respond, thank you. You reallly made my day and help me put things in perspective.

Today is a new day, PMS is over (if you get what I mean), J and I have no school tomorrow, the kids and I have eaten lunch and they are now having "quiet time" on the couch - I'm ready to take on the second half of the day. Clean up from lunch (usually make the kids do it before quiet time begins, but . . .), take a chunk out of Mt. Washmore, do some 5-minute-Room-Rescues downstairs - here I go!

My Pity Party

I've been really down on myself recently.

I know part of that is just from being tired. And maybe I'm PMSing (really have to keep track of all that again instead of guessing).

I just feel like I have too much on my plate and therefore am not doing anything really well.

When I'm in the classroom I love what I'm doing, except I feel like I could be doing so much more. Free play is really important for two-year-olds, but any time I sit down and relax for a moment in the classroom, I see so many opportunities where I coud be building language skills, increasing the kids' awareness of each other, moving them from parallel play to actual interaction, the list goes on and on. It's just tough to be "on" for three full hours. But that's the job!

When I'm with my kids I feel like I could be doing so much more. I have great ideas but no energy to follow through. I would love to have the boys start a journal at home, drawing a picture of something they did at school and then they could "write" a little bit about it. I would love to read with them more, even having a set reading time each day. I would love to take daily walks with them. I would love to go to the park with them a few times a week and teach them how to play soccer or basketball or baseball. The list goes on and on.

When the kids are playing outside I look around the house and am just disgusted by all that I could/should be doing around here. Mt. Washmore keeps piling up, as do my paper mountains, no matter how much I take away from them.

I would love to be in contact with the people I consider friends more often, making "playdates" (with the kids or without). I feel like I could be in isolation over here with the kids if I don't push myself to get together with others. I think that's a whole post unto itself.

I'm really frustrated. I know part of it is I'm being too hard on myself. The sprained ankle has thrown me - it's hard enough to do everything I have to do, doing it while limping and ignoring the ankle pain makes it even harder. And the fact that I'm tired all the time doesn't help either! I just feel like there has to be a way to do all that I want to do, and I just can't wrap my head around it.

She's screaming and she won't shut up!

Last night I almost got up from my tossing and turning to warn everyone about the evils of devouring two bowls of Fruit Loops (a special treat left over from a project on Sunday in which my class created edible Sukkot) at 10 o'clock at night, but around the time where I was reaching my frustration point, J's screams gave me something to do with my time. We couldn't get her to stop crying/complaining (she comes up with all kind of creative reasons when she just doesn't want to go back to sleep) so finally after threatening her with sleeping back in her own room (she sleeps on her matress on the floor next to the boys' bunk beds) we had to follow through. What a disaster. I tried everything to get her to stop crying in bed (SupperNanny's "stay in bed technique", gradually moving out of her room, ignoring her, etc.) and ultimately we gave up (teaching her only that if she cries long enough we'll give in!) and let her go back in the boys' room as long as she went to sleep and didn't make another sound.

To be fair on DH and I, it was 2:30 AM by the point we made this decision. She had started screaming around 11.

I welcome ANY suggestions on how to get her to stay in bed and quiet all night. I suppose I could try the whole sticker chart thing, just not sure if that's enough incentive and if it will really help when she starts screaming in the middle of the night.

Independent and It Feels So Good

We are teaching the boys some independence and it's wonderful!

This morning the kids all came in to our room to lay in bed with us for a little. DH leaves so early in the morning during the week and didn't get back last night until after they were all asleep so they ended up not seeing him at all Friday - they were THRILLED to see him in bed!

After cuddling together for about fifteen minutes, we sent them downstairs. On the weekend they are allowed to have "picnic breakfasts" which means they can stay in their pjs and watch tv while they eat breakfast. It was my turn to get up with them and help them with breakfast and dressing, but this morning I stayed in bed with DH and we got to actually talk. A got the tivo remote and put on a show for everyone to watch and they were content to do that for about half an hour (sweet!) which gave me extra time in bed. We quickly got up when J ratted out her brother about putting a waffle in the toaster oven by himself, but when I came downstairs I discovered that he had set it all up perfectly and safely. We were so impressed! DH and I decided to give both boys lessons on how to use the toaster on their own and supervised as A took his waffle out and B put his in (of course they HAD to both do it on their own). What a blessing it will be to somewhat sleep in on Saturdays now and send them down to watch tv and get breakfast on their own.

A few of you sent me e-mails asking more about A (you know, you guys COULD all leave COMMENTS on the blog!) so let me tell you what's going on. At home A is having a really hard time following verbal commands, becoming distracted by anything in writing around him. He has also regressed with using the potty at home, yesterday having three accidents between 2 and 6. The boys are in school for less than three hours. Within those three hours A was pulled out to see THREE specialists (OT, Speech, and Guidance). That seems like a LOT for one day. He is aware that he is missing stuff in his classroom, especially when B tells us about something he did in class, and A is getting quite upset about that. And then when B was pulled yesterday to do a mini friendship group, A was beside himself that he didn't get to go with him, even though he was going at the same time to see his Asperger's teacher. AARGH! His assistant wrote on his communication sheet that at library he broke away from the group and began pushing buttons on the computer. Hello! Like this is a big surprise? I warned you this would happen - he has no impulse control when it comes to computers! He's been flipping out in class (freaking out the other kids) when he does not get to play on the classroom computers for center time. I am trying to piece together what his specialist schedule is so I can have a better sense of who he's seeing and when. It's so different from last year when I actually SAW the specialists each day and got to hear how he was doing directly from them and tell them about any problems he's having. I know it's all doable; I know right now he's really ahead academically so it's okay for him to miss the classroom stuff; I know I have to contact all of these specialists if I'm concerned. I just have to stay on top of it all. Sure, no problem.

And some of you contacted me to find out about my ankle. Right now, right this second, it feels okay. Teaching two year olds all morning did NOT make it feel good, and staying on my feet for another two hours teaching my Shabbat parent and me group didn't help. By the time I left the synagogue yesterday I was not smiling at all, and for those of you who know me in real life know, it takes a lot for me to break that facade. I know I have to rest it and ice it whenever I can, but that's kind of tough to do with three young kids!

A friend of mine is throwing a yard sale today to raise money for a charity that directly affects her family, so I'm taking the kids to that. Other than that, I'm hoping I can get them to play nicely outside for a lot of the day so I can clean and catch up. I was able to do some stuff around the house on Thursday since J and I had off from school, but my ankle was throbbing so bad by the time I got home yesterday I couldn't do any more.

I think I'll let the kids watch one more show and I'll take a little nap (yep, still tired, nope don't have the results from my sleep study yet). Then we'll all get dressed and head to the yard sale.

Positive thinking

I've decided that I need to focus more on the positive. Here goes:

Yesterday was my sleep study. I stayed overnight and then had to stay all the next day. I got to sleep through the night with no one waking me up because they're hungry, they want to get up, or just because. I only woke myself up a few times, which is normal for me. I was able to watch cable tv - a luxery for me since we only have very basic cable here - and read an entire book, and the nurses there got my breakfast and lunch for me from a nearby restaurant. PLUS I was forced (such a hardship) to take a nap every two hours. VERY nice. I had NO problem falling asleep every time, though each time they woke me, I wanted to go back to sleep right away. I stayed very tired all day, which is not unusual for me, and it made it easy to do what they wanted (ie. sleep).

Focusing on the positive. Okay.

J is very decisive. This morning, after dressing herself in her favorite pink dress that just happens to have a hood, she told me, "I don't want to wear a hood that has a dress." She had to repeat it a couple time before I understood what she was saying (I was tired!) but I finally reversed her sentence and repeated to her, "You don't want to wear a dress that has a hood?" Never mind that she had selected said dress last night - she took it off and picked out a new one to wear.

A is very affectionate. He kisses me all the time. All the time. On my arms, my legs, my cheeks, my neck, sometimes licking . . . focus on the positive, right, ummm....I'm so glad he can show his affection, and responds appropriately when I ask him to stop.

B is equally affectionate, but shows it in a different way. He tells us he loves us. Often. Sometimes every two minutes. I'm glad that he can verbally express his feelings, and only slightly disturbed that he feels he needs to say it so often. Okay, maybe a little more than slightly disturbed considering our family history of OCD. I finally filled out his paperwork to be evaluated by the district and I welcome their findings!

My ankle is down to a dull ache.

The long summer months of me not receiving any paychecks has ended and we are beginning to loosen the purse strings a little bit. I was going to say loosen the belt straps, but since we all know I didn't lose ANY weight this summer, that seems kind of silly.

Today is the first day of Sukkot. Since I teach at a Jewish school which J attends, it means that J and I have the day off. Woohoo!

Right now, right this second, I do not feel like I need to take a nap.

I had a playdate scheduled for today at my house but cancelled it (only affected one other mom) because I was tired and feeling a little behind the eight ball after being off my feet all week. [Side note: Last time B was at the ER, the doctor used that expression with him. He responded, "Besides, I don't even know HOW to play Eight Ball." My oh-so-literal child.]

Since I have some energy right now, I'm going upstairs to sort the laundry and put in a load, than into the living room to pick up all the cr*p that the house has thrown up all over itself. I was quite happy to come home yesterday afternoon to find that house trashed and DH exhausted, complaining about the kids and his long day. He has been giving me SUCH a hard time every day that he comes home and the house is not picked up. I'm so glad that when I came home yesterday the house was not picked up either. It's not so easy when you're in charge of the kids all afternoon, and he didn't have to teach from 9-12 as well!

Okay, that's enough positive thinking. Time to pull some clothes from Mt. Washmore and start washing them.

Ouch

I fell Saturday night leaving my parents' house after Yom Kippor's break the fast dinner. My ankle just gave out from under me and I went down hard. It hurt so much that I thought I had broken it, and had pictures of myself having to crawl back inside to get help. Luckily my sister was still in the driveway and saw me go down. I was able to put weight on it and walk to my car with DS' help, though driving didn't feel that great. I got it x-rayed today and it's not broken. I didn't think it was since I could put weight on it, though as so many people told me the lovely story of how they had fallen and twisted their ankle and they hadn't thought it was broken so they were walking around on it for so long and then they found out that it actually WAS broken. Nice stories. In any case, it's uncomfortable enough that I actually found a sub for school tomorrow for myself, something I avoid doing at all costs.

Tomorrow night is my sleep study. Cannot wait.

A has regressed at home a lot now that he has to focus during the morning at kindergarten. Last week he pooped in his nighttime pull-up four different times, all while trying to fall asleep. And he's peed twice while on the computer at home (luckily not at school). The hardest is that A cannot leave the poop in his pull-up, so he ends up making a great big mess.

I'm tired.

This ankle better feel better if I rest it a lot tomorrow and Wednesday! I'm sick of this!!

Where I've Been

School has started.
It's extremely satisfying to be teaching again, to have my own classroom.
It's extremely tiring to teach all morning and then immediately be in charge of my own children.
I'm loving it, but it's been tough.
And that's all I have to say for now.

Random Thoughts

It's been awhile, so here are random thoughts and comments:



* I just bought some new make-up, and really like the results when I tried them that first morning. I went downstairs and asked the kids how they liked it.



B: Wow, Mommy, you look beautiful!

M: Thank you, B.

B: Is that make-up magic?



Gee, what a back-handed compliment!

Check!

So, what did I do yesterday?

Made a big vat of spaghetti sauce? Check!

Made three batches of baked ziti to freeze for future meals? Check!

Made a big pot roast in the crock pot for yesterday's dinner and for a stir fry later this month? Check!

Cut up the veggies for said stir fry, stuck them in a freezer bag, and put them with the meat and the sauce for when I make that meal? Check!

Made a black bean and corn soup for me to have for lunch this week? Check!

Spent three + hours at the ER with B only to find out that the high fever that has lasted now for three days was due to an ear infection and the trouble he had breathing could be fixed (as usual) with an oral steroid? Check, check, and check!

On the plus side, my freezer is now stocked with four meals and B was given the okay to go to his first day of kindergarten today. I hear him coughing upstairs now, so I'll be giving him his medicine (ALWAYS a joy - NOT!!!) and his nebulizer treatment before he eats breakfast. I can't wait to see the off for their first day!

They Look Sick, Don't They?

This is what two of my "sickies" were

doing while I was writing my last post

about how sick they were!!!

Sunday Sickies

Beth, I'm sorry. I know you worry when I don't post. It's been a crazy kind of week; I'll try to do better.

J spiked a fever Thursday. I had a babysitter here the whole day so I could prep some for the big BBQ we were hosting on Saturday and finish up lots of stuff in my classroom. J was fine all day. We went to my sister's to see her new furniture in the afternoon.

Sidenote: We had been told that it was highly unlikely we would be able to get pregnant on our own since it had taken us five years and lots of fertility treatments to conceive the boys AND when they did emergency surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy when I was seven weeks pregnant with the boys (yes, everything the hard way, that's me) they discovered I had stage 4 endometriosis, which would make it very difficult to ever get pregnant again unless treated.

When I was late a month after I had stopped nursing the boys, we didn't think much of it, chalking it up to the change in hormones that my body was going through. But when I was more than a week late, we laughingly bought a pregnancy test just to rule out the possibility. That weekend we had splurged on a decorator who would redo our bedroom, painting, buying curtains, bedspreads, bed frame, etc. While they were working in the room, I went into the bathroom, peed on the stick, set it aside, and began brushing my teeth. I began choking on the toothpaste suds in my mouth when I glanced down and saw two dark lines indicating a pregnancy. I spit out, a smile instantly forming on my face even though the shock prevented me from feeling the steps as I walked downstairs to tell DH.

Since the bedroom was completed that night, I had the perfect excuse to have my sister come over so I could tell her the HUGE news. I called her later, raving about the new furniture and the way the bedroom looked, insisting that she come over immediately to see it. As she looked around the room, admiring the walls and the curtains, I kept trying to draw her attention to the bedspread where I had placed the positive pregnancy test. I finally had to be very insistant about checking out this very spot on the bed, but I knew that she had seen it once her whole body froze and her mouth dropped open. It was a very satisfying way to spread the news.

Fast forward to this past Thursday. DS had bought new furniture for her living room and had called up for me to bring the kids over to check it out. She was so excited about it she was practically begging for us to come over. Knowing our history, I don't think any of you can be surprised what was in the back of my mind the whole time I was looking around her new living room. I ultimately turned to her and asked if she was positive there wasn't anything else she was trying to tell me here. She looked at me blankly for a few moments and then quickly began reassuring me that no, she was not pregnant.

In any case, after the kids had played for about an hour, J visibly began fading, first sitting at the table playing, then sitting at the table staring off into space, then laying on one of the new couches clearly in her own world. DS picked her up only to exclaim how hot she was. We took her temperature only to discover that it had spiked from normal to 103 that fast. We took her to the doctor that afternoon since she'd had a cold for over a week. Cold + fever normally = ear infection. Not this time.

We put her to bed early, though she was up several times that night. During the day on Friday we decided that we shouldn't risk it and cancelled the BBQ. We were all really bummed to do that. It turned out to be a good choice since that night B developed his own high fever. His stomach hurt a lot too. A came back that afternoon from an outing with Grandpop only to have his own problems with his stomach. J had stomach issues later that day too.

So today, while the kids are all doing MUCH better, we decided to keep them all quiet for one more day. It would really suck if any of them were sick on Tuesday, the boys' first day of kindergarten.

Edited to add: For the record, I am not pregnant. One of my cousins read this post and interpreted my story about finding out I was pregnant with J and telling my sister to mean that I just found out I was pregnant again NOW. I love all three of my children, but really really really feel I have all I can handle. Besides, if I were to get pregnant now, well...let's just say that would be an amazing feat and we would have to have a serious talk with a certain urologist who did a certain procedure after a certain little girl was born. Enough said.

Monday Monday

I'm yawning, but now I have no choice but to ignore it. DH left for work before 6 (he's strange that way) and I managed to get up by 6:40 (only 30 minutes later than I set the alarm). I managed to shower, dress, swish and swipe the bathroom, and pull together a load of laundry before the kids got up. Not bad. I had stressed to them when they got ready for bed how great it would be for them to get dressed when they heard the music at 7 o o (clock radio let's them know it's okay to get out of bed), and they did! Fabulous!!!

The kids and I have now eaten, we're all dressed, I have a load of laundry to fold, and they are playing on their own. A babysitter is comig over in about half an hour for a good portion of the day so I can sort through lots of paperwork and at least finish all the bulletin boards in my classroom. Hopefully I'll also have time to start making the activity sheets I'll need for Hebrew School.

And I keep on yawning.

I have a big post brewing about the purpose of life and the idea of striving to be the best you can be, but that will have to wait for another day. I have laundry to fold!

My goals

Monday DH goes back to work. I'm bummed. I have so much that I wanted to do this summer that we never got to do, and now the opportunity has passed. The yard's a mess, the house is a disaster, the basement never got cleaned, the mural in the playroom never got painted, and don't get me started about the attic.

I want to start fresh around the house, but it's so messy it feels like it will take me forever to clean it up, so I end up procrastinating and nothing gets done.

This morning DH didn't feel well so I got up with the kids. I didn't go to bed between 9 and 10 like I had wanted, so I was tired. I set them up with a tv show and went back to bed. When that show was over, I got them breakfast, put on a new show, and went back to bed. When THAT show was over, I brought them all upstairs to get dressed while I showered and got dressed myself. I had wanted to get up early and clean the house before J and I left to go to a birthday party. BUT .... it's almost 10:30 and the party starts at 11 so you know that's not going to happen.

So I'm posting here my goals for this weekend: I want to clean the house and sort through/take care of the pile of papers that have accumulated. I also need to finish one of the newsletters I write by today and contact some people for my pary business. I am also going to try to find someone who might be available to babysit at least for one day this week so I can do some work in my classroom without my children taking everything apart.

And now I'm off to a 4 year old's birthday party. And we ran out of milk so I can't even make a chai tea latte.

Zzzzzzz

After posting yesterday I ended up "napping" on the couch while the kids had tv time/computer time. Bad Mommy, I know, but I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. Around 11:30 or so we went to Ikea - the boys got to play in the ball pit and J walked around the store with me since she is still a couple inches too small. We parked in the underground garage, which apparently really confused B. When I explained where we would be parking, this conversation ensued:
B: Are we going to see all the old people who live there?
Mommy: What old people?!!
B: You know, the old people. When they die we bury them underground.

Man, the way his mind works!! I quickly reassured him that we would not be digging up the ground and that old people who are LIVING do not need to get buried!

J and I had a good time walking around the store, checking out the layout of the different decorated rooms. She did balk when I brought her to the first bathroom within a bedroom. "Mommy," she stated matter of factly, "I don't need to use the potty." Good to know she was not planning to use the sample bathroom!

I brought the kids home in the afternoon after treating them to a lunch of mac and cheese at the IKEA cafeteria (99 cents - can't beat that!) for some quiet time for all of us. A was looking forward to his "friend" (the teenage volunteer from the Friendship Circle) coming over to play with him, but soon threw himself to the floor in dispair when he listened to the answering machine message and heard her voice telling us that she couldn't make it today. He was so upset the only way I could think of to calm him down was to have him call her up on her cell phone so she could tell him that she could come over today. The novelty of calling someone up "by himself" and talking to her on the phone really calmed him down, and hearing that she'd come over today cheered him up considerably.

When DH got him, he took the kids to the store to buy ice cream and toppings for dessert (the pushover) and I napped on the couch. The sights and sounds of them all returning and running through the house did not rouse me completely. I was considering going to sleep for the night (it was 5) but stayed up long enough to eat dinner. And then I turned in before the kids even went to sleep. I watched a little tv while laying in bed and was out by 8. I did wake a few times during the night, but went back to sleep fairly quickly.

I woke up this morning for real around 6:15. I felt wide awake for the first time in a while - woohoo. Showered, dressed, made the bed, put in a load of laundry, ate breakfast, checked my e-mail, started writing this post (it's now 7:45), and now I'm yawning again and considering taking a nap. This is not right! I'm glad I have a sleep study scheduled, but it's not until the end of next month. I'm not really sure what to do at this point, except continuing to go to bed early (I'll aim for 9).

I'm tired but have the whole day to myself (one of my last before DH goes back to school on Monday), so don't want to waste it. Here goes!

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I took my weight tracker off. It was obviously not serving as any type of incentive - the scale keeps going the wrong way! I'm really frustrated, but know that I just need to consistently eat right and get some exercise. I just have to stick to it, which clearly is not easy for me or I'd already be doing it!

It's pouring. I was going to have the whole day to myself but DH needed to switch since he had a minor emergency with a friend/teaching partner at school that he wanted to deal with today. No problem, but now I have to figure out something for the kids and I to do. I don't want to be stuck in the house all day. Guess we'll be getting wet today!

Yesterday I took the kids with me to my classroom and they did such a great job playing with the toys while I organized the cabinets and closets. We ended up staying later than I had expected because they were playing so nicely together; we were almost late getting home so we could go to the circus! My in-laws get tickets every year for all of us to go together. It's a fun circus, but it ended up being so cold yesterday none of us could believe it! I guess if I had been outside for any length of time yesterday I would have thought to have us all change into long pants and sweatshirts, but seeing as it's AUGUST I didn't imagine we would need to!!!

Oh boy, it's 8:15 in the morning, I'm showered and dressed, 2 out of 3 of the kids are dressed, we've all eaten, and I'm already SOOO tired. I'm sure the rain is not helping. I really have to just start consistently getting up early to get moving. AARGH!

My mini-"vacation"

I'm sitting at my sister's dining room table, my nephew playing quietly with playdough and my niece taking her morning nap upstairs. DH just took our kids out to drop stuff off at home and then go to his parents' for the day. We figured two days and two nights of togetherness was about all the kids could take before major meltdowns happened. I await my sister and brother-in-laws "speedy" return (a.k.a. sometime tonight). They had a wedding to attend in Boston (a decent distance from here) - DS has been there since Thursday, BIL left after giving me DN-J at camp on Friday after he dropped DN-A off there for the kids' last day.

The house is SOOOO quiet now that we're down to only two kids!

I did my best this last week to finish planning for preschool, but I'm not totally finished. I managed to get everything written out until about December and a list of materials I need to make. I'm going to attempt to get some more typed out this morning while DN-A plays and DN-J sleeps. I'm sure I will be adjusting the plans, revising as the year goes, but it will make me feel great to have a solid framework in place. PLUS it's all on the computer so I can easily make changes as I need.

I did a princess party yesterday out in Quakertown (took me almost an hour to get there, but they paid a $25 travel fee so I was fine with it). The kids (and the moms) all loved it, and the woman offered me a reference unsolicited if I ever needed it. I HAVE to take her up on that! My goals at this point for the business:

• Write form "thank you" letter to send to all parties within a week, thanking them for hiring me, asking them to fill out a basic feedback form (which would include a place for them to write quotes that I could use on my website), and telling them about some kind of incentive plan/thank you gift they could receive if someone hires me based on their recommendation
• Decide on an incentive plan/thank you gift
• Revise my website (Hear that, Mommy Brain?) to include face painting, an additional half hour of interactive entertainment, memorable and unique invitations, and procurring a birthday cake (and remove the info about the Deluxe Package, or at least revise it to include the basic package and all of these additional things)
• Buy professional quality face paints
• Buy more princess dresses to offer more sizes and selection
• Order merchandise with my name and info on it (i.e. a toy to send each kid at the party home with, a "to do" list with a magnet to leave for every mom)
• Order two magnetic signs for both sides of my car
• Now that I've done several princess and pirate parties (clearly the most popular choices) I have to write up (on the computer) the crafts, songs, stories, costumes, and activities that have worked well as well as the specifics on what needs to be ordered for each party and how much it costs per child.

I think that's it for now.

Okay, while DN-A is still content to play independently (and considering how much independent play he does, it's no wonder he ends up getting so frustrated while playing with my children), I better try to get some work done.

A Song of Healing

Shabbat Sholom! Just returned from services. I haven't been to services for a while now, mainly because I lead the preschool services most Fridays, but also because I don't really like listening to the current rabbi (which is a story unto itself). But over the summer we have various congregants take turns leading the services. Tonight I saw that a good friend of mine was going to be the para-cantor and another friend was going to be the para-rabbi and it just seemed like the perfect service to attend. And it was.

One of the prayers that we sing is a song for healing called Mi Shabeirach. Whenever we sing it, I'm taken back to a scary time in our lives, when J was hospitalized with RSV pneumonia. I had brought her to the ER because she had been having trouble breathing. Since B had suffered with RSV and later with Reactive Airway Disease, DH and I had become "experts" on dealing with children with respiratory issues. After giving J all of the treatments we could at home and trying all of the tricks we could think of, the sight of her ribs with every breath and the sound of her wheezing told us how much she was struggling, and away we went.

At the hospital they poked and prodded, gave her an oral steroid and another neb treatment, and since her O2 stats were good, they were getting ready to discharge her. DH had left to get the car and J had finally fallen asleep on my chest. As her sleep deepened, her O2 began decreasing: 95...92...89...87. From our vast experience, I knew that they like the O2 be 95 or above, and when it starts dipping below 95 is when they generally decide to keep us for an longer visit. I waited for the alarms to go off and then realized that they had turned the alarms off already since we were getting ready to go. I was on my own with the exhausted sleeping child on my chest, no ER staff in sight, and the call button out of reach. Looking back I can't even remember how I got them to come in and begin giving her Oxygen to bring her stats up again, but I still remember my panic of the moment.

Clearly J's condition was not stable and we were sent upstairs to a room. And so began a very frustrating hospital stay. When awake, J was fine, dancing in her metal crib and playing peek-a-boo to the staff that walked by her door. But every time she fell asleep, her O2 stats dropped to an unsafe level and Oxygen would need to be administered.

The second night, exhausted and overwhelmed, I began singing Mi Shabeirach to my fussy little girl who didn't want to go to bed in this strange metal contraption once again, thank you very much. The song had the desired effect: she settled down and my racing, worried mind began to rest. I sang with all the feeling I could put into the words, praying that "...the Source of strength, who blessed the ones before us ...." would "...bless those in need of healing..." Once I started, I couldn't stop. I knew that this was truly not in my hands and that once I accepted that I would be able to be even stronger for my little girl. A feeling of peace came over me. That night, whenever the nurses came in to check her vitals or adjust the amound of O2 she was receiving, I sang the song again, finding strength in those words. And all the next day as well, until finally her lung function stabilized and she was able to return home.

Tonight I prayed for the strength to look beyond J's temper and bad behaviors and see that beautiful girl that is there. I prayed to help me remember to look past the moment and see the bigger picture of every tantrum, every refusal to obey, to look for ways to teach her to control herself. And a feeling of peace once again came over me. I have faith that we will get though this challenging phase in one piece, better for it, ready to jump right into the next one. I know we can do it. And when I forget, I will just have to remind myself all over again.

Thursday Thirteen

THIRTEEN THINGS R IS PROUD OF THIS WEEK

1. I stayed under 1300 calories today!
2. I figured out how to put that cool header up there.
3. I finished planning for Hebrew School for the year.
4. I took the kids with me to Produce Junction and got them to help with buying fruits and vegetables.
5. A saw a bouquet of flowers there and "gave" them to me as a gift.
6. I actually did something to take care of myself yesterday by going to a sleep specialist.
7. I've been so focused this summer getting my school plans completed.
8. I did two parties last week that both went really well.
9. I finished planning for my Friday Parent and Me group.
10. I finished almost all my plans for Religious School.
11. I will (cross my fingers) finish said plans tomorrow while hanging out at Starbucks.
12. I pushed myself to set up various Mommy/Kid playdates for the nights DH was working.
13. I started bribing the kids with M&Ms to get them to do clean up jobs and it's been working great!
    

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I might have a REASON for being so tired

I just got a fabulous compliment from a new reader about how much she loves my blog. It was from someone who I have not yet met, someone with the Friendship Circle, a fabulous organization who is coordinating a teenage volunteer to come play with A a couple hours a week. It's always kind of disconcerting to know that someone who I may meet someday will know so much about me before we even say, "Nice to meet you!" On the other hand, it's a great conversation starter, and kind of puts me more at ease, especially if they've read about how tough it used to be for me to meet new people and make small talk. All in all, it's always nice to hear from a fan! :)

I'm so proud of myself. I finished all my plans for Hebrew School today plus my list of Hebrew School materials needed by week. I am 95% finished my Religious School plans, am totally finished detailed plans for my Shabbat Parent and Me group, and am about 60% finished my preschool plan. I'm doing great with my goal of getting all my school plans completed by September.

I'm also proud of myself for finally doing something about the constant fatigue that I have felt for so long. I met with a sleep specialist doctor today. After talking at length about my symptoms, she wants to not just do a sleep study but a TWO DAY sleep study! Yes, I will need to spend the night, hooked up to all kinds of machines while I try to sleep. If the test shows significant evidence of apnea episodes, then we'll assume that is what is causing the fatigue and treat that for a while to see if that makes a difference. If the apnea episodes are not that significant, they'll need me to stay an additional ten hours, hooked up to most of the same machines. They'll have me attempt to take a nap every so many hours, allowing me no more than 20 minutes to fall asleep. If I fall asleep, they will only let me sleep for fifteen minutes. If I don't fall asleep then I will not be able to nap again until the next time. She said the fact that I have felt fatigue for so long (I do a good job faking it, but really feel like I could fall asleep almost at any time if given about ten minutes of quiet) she had a couple other possiblities, one of them being a form of narcolepsy, which apparently is yet another spectrum disorder (and boy, do we know all about them). Some of what I read about narcolepsy doesn't seem to fit me, but the sleep paralysis happens to me most nights - I thought it was normal. I truly thought everyone sort of shifted into a half asleep/half awake mode before they actually fell asleep, alert enough to manipulate their dreams a little but not enough to move their body. I will schedule the test tomorrow. I cannot wait to find out what they discover.

My Amazing Son

My son is amazing. And he has Asperger's.

Don't gasp and gape when I have to restrain him in the library to get him to move away from the computers and he melts down, flapping his hands and sobbing as if his world has come to an end. I have lots of techniques to bring him back; I'm sorry for the noise, but it will be over soon.

Don't tell me he needs a spanking; that's really not going to make a difference.

Don't dimiss his problems, telling me that your kid does the same thing. Your child may do one or two of the same things, but if he truly did all of the same things then you should bring him to a developmental pediatrician or two, just like we did.

Don't avert your eyes when I am struggling to change a messy diaper and he is using all of five-year-old strength to push me away; ask if you can help! Getting kicked and punched by a child trying keep me from touching his diaper rash really hurts.

Don't laugh when he comes up to you the first time he meets you, giving you a hug and telling you he loves you. Don't allow him to touch you inappropriately. He does crave physical contact and it is cute, for now, but we're trying to teach him how to greet people he is just meeting properly. What's cute now may be a little scary when he is ten.

Don't tell me just to relax when we visit your house and I begin to shadow my son. I've personally seen him reprogram phones and remotes, order things off the internet, break pieces of electronics in his enthusiasm to push all the buttons at once. He needs me, for now, to help him remember what is off-limits.

My son has Asperger's. Don't offer me sympathy when I tell you this. It is only one aspect of his personality. Acknowledge his incredible reading ability, marvel at his musical performances, smile at his friendliness.

My son has Asperger's. And he is amazing.

Kickin' Back

I'm sitting in my new favorite coffee place (Burlap and Bean - fabulous chai tea latte and FREE internet) chilling out and enjoying my tea. I'm kinda blowing off work today (except for my writing camp this afternoon). I have finished planning my preschool Shabbat program, am 97% finished my plans for Religious School for the year, have planned out all the units and centers for Hebrew School (I'm rewriting the curriculum), and have planned out all the themes for preschool. I'm feeling pretty good!

Today as soon as I get home from camp, my sister and my oldest friend are going away for my first girls' weekend. I'm so psyched! I've gone away for various scrapbooking weekends before, which are sooo great, but the focus of those weekends is scrapbooking (and talking). This weekend will be just for chilling out and catching up. I'll report back later!

Kiddy Funnies

B: Can I have some of that cheese?
Mommy: Sure!
B: Is it cheddar?
M: Mmm...no, I think it's American. Cheddar would have a sharper taste.
B: Oh, I don't want that! It would cut my tongue!!!


Mommy: What did you do at camp today?
A: I don't know.
Mommy: Well, can you try to see it in your head?
J: He can't do that - he has too much hair!
B: And he can't open up his head to look inside!

Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

I hate shopping.

I mean, I'll go grocery shopping every week or so. I love a good deal and know how to hunt for the best unit price like the best of them.

But don't make me buy clothes for myself.

Don't get me wrong - I like WEARING new clothes. I just hate trying stuff on. And picking stuff out. And spending money on myself. And figuring out what my size is.

Now that my size has increased, most of my clothes don't fit anymore. I have given them away. I don't really own too much that looks decent. I've been wearing mostly t-shirts and jeans or shorts, and I know I pretty much look like a slob. I don't like it, but I really haven't had anything else that fit. And now that I'm going to be teaching six days a week, I NEED some professional clothing.

I have the best husband in the world. Knowing how much I hate clothes shopping, DH went with me to Kohl's after we dropped the kids off at camp on Friday. He stayed with me the whole time while we selected tops for me. Even when I started feeling claustrophobic and began pulling at my shirt collar, he made me laugh and stay focused and helped me keep going. When it was time to try them all on DH stayed right outside the dressing room to give me his honest opinion on each and every shirt. He even opened a Kohl's charge card in his name so we could get 15% off of all of the purchases. I came home with eight tops!

Next step . . . bras.

Asperger's

A has Asperger's.
I saw a t-shirt once that stated: If you've seen one kid with Autism, you've seen one kid with Autism. How true. There's a reason Autism is now called a Spectrum Disorder - everyone is different!

But A still is considered Autistic.
For him that means lots of different things.

It means we can no longer go to the library without having to physically restrain him with a great big hug from behind at least four times to get him to not touch the computers. And that's when no child is already playing on one. If someone starts playing on the computer, he needs a lot more help than that.

It means that an adult has to physically follow him every step of the way when we go to someone else's house to make sure he doesn't reprogram their cell phone or remote control (don't laugh - he's done it before).

It means we have had to lock up our computer to keep him from ordering things off the internet.
It means we have to watch him carefully when he is allowed to play on the computer to make sure he doesn't navigate into inappropriate websites accidentally because he just enters words that he knows into the address bar and sees where they take him.

It means that I just had to pry the phone out of his hand because he wanted to call Kelly (our babysitter) "just for four minutes!"

It means that his temper goes from zero to one hundred in .26 seconds, and saying the wrong word sets him off, but we never know what the wrong word will be for any particular situation.

It means that his hands will cover his ears and his body will freeze up in terror unexpectedly and you always need to be on the lookout to see if and where he has frozen.

It means that due to sensory issues he has FINALLY only recently learned to use the potty, but if he gets involved in something else he loves, he could create a large puddle all around himself without even noticing.

It means if he could he would spin on a merry-go-round or tire swing non-stop instead of interacting with other kids.

It means that he has something in his mouth (or nose) at least 75% of the day.

It means that a change in his routine will cause a melt down.

It means that by late afternoon he has usually held it together as much as he can and goes into his own little world.

It means that anything visually stimulating (flashing lights, repetitive movement, mirrors) will attract him until he is physically removed from the situation.

It means he rarely sustains eye contact.

It means that he'll go up to total strangers to give them a hug and tell them he loves them.

It means that he does not understand or appreciate sarcasm or most humor on his own, but will laugh loudly if anyone else laughs.

It means that he misses all subtle cues.

It means that he can get up and dance as if no one is watching, even if all the kids around him stop what they're doing to gape at him.

It means that he flaps his hands or fingers when nervous or excited.

It means that he craves hugs and physical close contact.

It means that he will attempt to enter any conversation by hearing one word and commenting on it, even if it has nothing to do with the actual conversation.

It means that he learned how to read at a very early age.

It means that he is one of the most cuddly, social, precocious kids I know.

A has Asperger's. It does not define him, but it is an aspect of who he is. We have been working since he was diagnosed last year on helping him learn to live with this. He is very high-functioning, so much so that people will often point out how their own children do one or two of the things that A does, downplaying A's symptoms as if to imply that maybe A is actually just fine and all those doctors just labled him for no reason. That gets frustrating, but I think people mean well and are just trying to point out that he seems "normal", whatever that means.

A has Asperger's. This fact has connected us to so many other families learning to live with various conditions, syndromes, and disabilities. We didn't set out to be part of this world, but being part of us helps us realize how lucky we really are.

Update

J no longer contagious. We sent her back to camp on Friday after getting confirmation Thursday night from the doctor.

My mom does not have Shingles. Turns out it was a really really badly pinched nerve. Still bad, but no guilt involved.

DH had a 24 hour stomach bug and fully recovered by the next day.

And my kids are hillarious:

Driving home from camp yesterday, trying to figure out what they did all morning

Mommy: So, what did you do at camp today?
J: I don't know.
B: I don't know.
A: I don't know.
Mommy: (wanting to bang her head on the steering wheel) Well, did you swim?
B: Of course!
Mommy: What did you do AFTER swimming?
B: Change our clothes.
Mommy: (gritting her teeth) A what did you do after changing your clothes?
A: Hmmm....I can't see it in my head.
B: Of course not - you have too much hair on your head!

ARGH!!!

J still has the chicken pox.

DH woke up today with the stomach bug.

I have camp that I have to leave for (they have no subs) in fifteen minutes.

My mom probably has shingles (the adult form of chicken pox). My dad has a compromised immune system.

My sister has a 17-month old at home and can't chance her getting sick. She will, however, pick up the boys from camp and keep them this afternoon.

My neighbor's kids just got the vaccine on Monday and were told not to be around J for a whole week.

My MIL leaves on a trip tomorrow and must finish errands and cleaning today.

I feel so bad for DH. And J.

I hope he doesn't need to throw up again, but he has already done it a few times this morning while I was leading storytime at the library. I know that's rough for him, but probably scary for J to hear.

Cross your fingers. I'm off to make her lunch and go to camp.

Out, Damn Spots!

J must have such cabin fever. I know I do!

J's chicken pox are still contagious since they haven't all scabbed over yet. The poor thing feels okay most of the time, just gets tired a little more often than usual. We can't go anywhere with her, so we've been splitting up time with the kids, usually DH taking the boys out and J and I staying home. DH stayed home with her Friday night while I got together with everyone for Shabbat dinner. It was so sad: we explained to her that she was sick and so she couldn't get together with the rest of the family because she might make them sick. She was hysterical, sobbing, "No, I won't! I won't make them sick!"

Tonight she fell asleep around five on the couch and I carried her upstairs around 6:30. She stayed asleep and is still out right now. Hopefully she stays knocked out all night!

Tomorrow I start working at a Writing and Literature project camp. I really enjoy these two week sessions. It's purely reading and writing enrichment, and I have done it so many times that I only have to revise my plans a little each year. I'll have to leave around 11:30 tomorrow, so I'll really only have a couple hours to work on my planning with the boys at camp, and J will of course still be home here, but hopefully I can get something accomplished.

Questions

Where have I been for the last few weeks? (Still here!)

Why have I not been posting?

Why did I wait until the last minute to begin labeling the 1000 necklaces I bought as a way to advertise my business?

How did DH and I manage to label 700 necklaces with my business info the night before our July 4th parade? We gave up once we hit 1 AM.

How did my sister and I manage to run out of necklaces half way through the parade?

When will the calls/e-mails start pouring in with people dying to hire me for their kid's birthday party?

Why didn't I think of bringing my twenty billion or so business cards with me so we would have something to pass out to everyone who didn't get a necklace and expressed interest in the business during the second half of the parade?

Why did I think it would be a good idea to allow the kids to walk on my back tonight? It was going great until A decided to jump off the couch onto me. OUCH!

Why didn't I think twice about the red dot I found on J's stomach yesterday? It bloomed into twenty spots by this morning, forty by this evening. At least she received the chicken pox vaccine already (as did the boys) so will not get a full-blown case.

Why am I soooo tired every day? I now have an appointment next month with a sleep apnea specialist. We'll see .....

How did the house get so wrecked so quickly this week?

Why did I think the Jewish Flylady yahoo group that I found would be something I could relate to? Looking through the archives tells me this group is really for very observant Orthodox women.

Why can't my kids play as nicely as they are right now all the time? I should have brought them up to bed an hour ago, but they're sitting on the floor all sharing a new coloring book J received as a party favor recently. So sweet!

Why didn't I realize how relaxing life could be when the kids are at camp from 9-2? I have been getting so much accomplished!

How long will it take to get these kids ready for bed tonight? I think I'm going to bed as soon as I put them down, so I better finish cleaning up from dinner before we go upstairs.

How much will I be able to accomplish tomorrow with J home all day, feeling fine but too contagious to take anywhere? Since DH is home for the summer as well, maybe we'll just split the morning with me driving the boys to camp and then going to Borders or Starbucks to work on my Hebrew School plans for the year (my goal is to have that finished by the end of the day tomorrow) until around 11 or so and then DH could go out from about 11:30 until he needs to pick them up. That sounds fair. Of course, we were just talking about how we needed to take advantage of this "grown-up" time we had in the mornings, even if we had work to do, by hanging out together. I was really looking forward to working together out of the house, away from distractions, today and tomorrow. Guess G-d had other plans!