Juggling Lessons

My husband's crooked smile might be permanent.

His visible muscle loss in the calf of his left leg might not improve.

The cognitive function that he has lost might not return.

And we still do not know the cause.

We cannot predict his symptoms from day to day. Every time I see him I surreptitiously examine him to determine if his speech is more slurred, if his limp is more pronounced, if he is using his left arm or relying on his right. We used to have a pattern - it would get bad, suck for a few days, and then improve. We seem to be stuck at the suck stage with no end in sight.

He saw a Lyme Disease specialist this week who told him that this still could be Lyme Disease, even though that was ruled out three different times before. The results from his tests will come back in two weeks.

DH will see a NeuroOpthamolgist next week, and I'm optomistic (or at least I'm trying to be) that she will at least be able to help his double vision and headaches. At this point, even though he is not allowed to drive or teach, he still is trying to grade all of his seniors' research papers. We finally discovered that using a magnifying sheets allows him to read more than two without getting a severe headache, but his new cognitive difficulties are making it hard for him to focus and follow what the kids are writing, which obviously makes it harder to grade.

The fatigue seems to be one of the hardest symptoms for DH to deal with. He is not a napper - something that I never understood since I could take a nap at the drop of a hat, but that's a story for another day - but now after the smallest exertion he gets so tired that he has to take a nap for a couple hours, in addition to sleeping on average of ten hours each night.

Another direction we're going to try is seeing a Rheumotologist at the suggestion of the neuropsychiatrist from Johns Hopkins. She mentioned the possibility of some kind of auto-immune disease. That appointment is in a few weeks.

I am trying to stay focused on the present, but it's really tough not to think ahead. Will he be able to drive again? Is he going to be able to go back to work come August? Will he be able to handle working this summer? And if the answer to all this is no, will we be able to get by on my preschool teacher's salary? Will we be able to continue paying our mortgage, or will we have to sell our house and move somewhere smaller? Or, thinking smaller, will we be able to afford to pay for J to go to the camp I'm running this summer? We have enough in savings to cover the fact that he didn't really get a paycheck this time around, and the "sick bank" will kick in for his next paycheck (other teachers can donate sick days to cover the rest of the year), but we have no idea how long this is going to last. What if he has to be hospitalized again? We are so grateful to have medical insurance, but the cost of all the extras adds up quickly - parking, meals and drinks while visiting, tv and phone for him, ER copays, hotel rooms, gas, and food if we have to go back to Hopkins or the Mayo Clinic, the list goes on and on. And then there's the copays of the PT that he currently has to do three times a week.

It is really tough not just to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I indulged that desire a little on Thursday, begging DH to take over when he came home from whatever doctor's appointment he was at that afternoon. I went upstairs at FOUR, shut the door, and got in bed with a book. I read for half an hour and then went to sleep. For the night. I woke at midnight to pee, get a little bit to eat, read for a little bit more, and then go back to sleep again. Escapism at its best?

Obviously I can't do that every day. There are just so many balls to keep up in the air - and pretty soon I'm going to remember that I don't know how to juggle! It's not a matter of not liking all the different things going on right now. Some of the really important things are parts of my life that I absolutely love, like teaching. Spending time in the classroom each day forces me to be completely present, even if it is just for those three hours every day. The hugs, the smiles, the joy at hearing a new story or learning a new song, it just fills me with an energy. And to have my daughter across the hall from me, to be able to see her at lunch, or let her hang out in my office coloring in the afternoons if she has a bad day, it's a huge perk.

But there's the house upkeep, the bills and paperwork (which I swear multiplies and scatters around the house every time I turn my back like a warped version of Red Light Green Light), the groceries and meals, the laundry (oh, the laundry), the maintenance of both cars, the yard.

And did I mention I have two boys in first grade? We had conferences with both kids' teachers this week and it just ended up giving me such mommy guilt. We have been concerned that B might have ADD since before he entered Kindergarten. This is a kid who would lose focus while writing his own name so the first two letters looked okay and the rest of the letters end up scrawled across the page because he turned to look at what someone next to him was doing. His Kindergarten teacher didn't see it too much, but acknowledged that they move around a lot, ten minutes on the rug, fifteen minutes at the desk, and so on, so it might just not really be coming out too much. His first grade teacher saw it from the beginning but really wanted to try lots of different strategies before we started working with a doctor. She gave it her all. At our conference this week she looked at me and sighed, explaining, "I have been teaching for forty years and tried every trick I had in that forty-year-old bag of tricks, and nothing has worked. I truly believe this is not something he can control." The thing is, I knew this, I've known this for a while - I've been a teacher for a long time and know the symptoms - I've tried so many strategies at home without success. But have I pursued getting him seen by a specialist? No. Did I research how to make homework time for a child with ADD easier? No. Did I make more of an effort to work with his teacher to ensure success for B at school? No. Every year that I taught elementary school I would invariably have a student who reminded me of Pig Pen, not due to the child's personal hygine but because the child's possessions seemed to end up in almost a cloud around him or her, spilling from the desk/cubby/school bag at all times. This week I found out that B is that child in his class. His teacher had told me half way through the year that B is having so much trouble getting and staying organized that I have to do it for him. Did I? No. And here we are, at the end of first grade, and we have gone no further than filling out the basic parent/teacher rating scale to show that we all see the same concerns.

After B's conference we proceeded to A's IEP meeting. On the plus side, he is showing improvement. He no longer needs special warning about fire drills or to sit near a door for assemblies so he can make a quick escape if necessary. He is handling changes in his schedule without throwing himself to the floor and crying, though he does need someone to answer his persistant "Why" or he will keep asking. He definitely will need a PCA again next year, which is a personal care assistant that helps him stay on task, organize, and help him cope if he gets overwhelmed or upset. One of the biggest things that came out of this meeting is that his whole team feels that A would also benefit from ADD testing. All the teachers feel that both A and B are capable of doing so much more in school and that there is something getting in their way.

And why didn't I do something about this earlier?

Okay, don't start, I KNOW why. I know that DH's illness and unexpectedly ending up working full-time kind of took more attention that I anticipated, but still - these are my CHILDREN. How did I allow them to slip through the cracks like this? They needed more from me and I didn't give it to them. I'm a teacher and I didn't do more to help my children deal with this major learning obstacle. There is so much more I could have done at home with organization and structure, but I simply did not have it in me by the time I got home from work each day. I can't let that happen next year. Appointments with pediatric specialists take so long to get, but we received the paperwork and will fill it out and send it back tomorrow and call often to try to get in when someone cancels. Or maybe two people will cancel back to back so we can take both boys at the same time?!! Okay, now I'm just getting crazy.

So let's see, if I really was juggling, how many balls would I have up in the air right now? Hmmm...

1. DH's health
2. Teaching
3. The school
4. Our finances
5. J
6. A
7. B
8. Paperwork
9. Housework
10. My own health (really have to start focusing on that more!)
11. Summer work (two different camps)
12. All the other stuff I'm not thinking of right this second

Anyone out there actually know HOW to juggle? Maybe that would help. A little. Maybe?

Question

What if this is our new normal?

Any Dr. House Wannabes Out There?

Let's see what you can come up with!

DH's symptoms are officially classifed as Left Side Hemiparesis, which means muscle weakness for his entire left side: facial droop, tongue unable to move to left side (which slurs his speech), arm, hands, fingers, leg, feet, toes - all on left side. On Sunday, just to switch it up a little, the right side experienced the same thing in addition to the left side. At this point the right side is back to about 90% normal but the left side is the worst it has been in a long time.

The symptoms had been coming on for about a week and then going away, usually for around a month, but the time in between kept shortening until in March the symptoms came and have not left. Every time the symptoms left before DH was left with full function, as if nothing had happened. Along with the regular symptoms, he now has severe headaches that never fully go away and double vision (side to side) now for both close up and far away. The doctors do not want him left alone (for fear of falling), driving (because of the double vision), or back at work. He has used up all his sick days, so now we are living on my preschool teacher's salary.

Since every single medical test (MRIs, MRAs, CAT scans, Lumbar Puncture, Blood work, EMG, EKG, EEG, TEE, X-Rays) has come back clean, the doctors keep going back to Conversion Disorder. The problem is that he is NOT under stress (actually removed himself from ALL extra-curricular things he used to do at school) and has not experienced any traumatic event. He does have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and takes Prozac for it, but that has been under control for almost ten years now.

In January he started seeing a psychiatrist that specializes in Conversion Disorder and after working with him for all these many weeks she clearly states that this is NOT psychological. But the neurologists keep going back to that diagnosis because they can't find anything else.

If it turns out to be Conversion Disorder, we do understand that it doesn't mean he's faking this. The symptoms are real and he has no control over it. However, even his regular psychiatrist feels that there is something medical at the bottom of this. We just haven't found it yet.

Please feel free to do your own research, forward this to anyone you think might have some good ideas, post questions in the comments section here. The symptoms have been coming and going since July 10th now. The jokes about Dr. House, Mystery Diagnosis, and all the other medical shows out there really aren't funny anymore. We just want his quality of life back.

As I drove home from HUP tonight, I tried thinking of a humerous way to write about this, a cute title to put on this post.

And I started crying.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't make light of this. I can't make a joke. I can't put a positive spin on this. I can't keep a smile on my face to make everyone else around me feel better. At least for tonight. Maybe tomorrow I can fake it again. Maybe tomorrow I can smile at the rest of the world, make a joke about how we've been to all the other hospitals in the area so we decided to try one more out.

But for tonight I'm scared.

He's in bad shape. It's bad enough for DH to have lost so much strength on the left side, to have lost sensation in his hand and foot, and not knowing if the mobility and sensation he has lost is permanent or not. It's bad enough that DH has had to use a cane to walk around for the last three weeks, that his head has been hurting him so much since March, that his left arm has been hurting him so much that it's waking him up at night. But today I came home from a camping trip with the kids and my parents and my sister and her family, a trip that DH chose not go on because he needed to rest and try to catch up on his grading since his double vision has been getting so bad that he can only do one or two papers at a time, and DH could barely walk. Or talk.

He holds his cane with his right hand, and uses his right side to push himself up. Only now his right side isn't working right, so he can't push himself up, and his both legs aren't moving too well. His tongue has not been able to move to the left side for about six weeks now, but he clearly figured out how to compensate because his speech has improved drastically. Of course now his tongue won't move to the right side either, making his speech incredibly slurred and hard to understand.

Right now DH just got admitted to the neuro floor at HUP. I was able to get a sub for tomorrow so will head back to the hospital as soon as I get all the kids off to school.

Tomorrow is another day. Let's see what happens.

Another Day, Another ER

Why stick with left sided hemiparesis when you can add in the right side too? C'mon, after our trip to Hopkins last week at which yet another neurologist shrugged his shoulders and told us he has no idea what's causing all the trouble, we had to figure out a way to step it up a notch. I am now with DH in one of HUP's ER exam rooms. We just came from MRI where first yet another neurologist examined him and then he got yet another MRI and MRA. Based on past experience, we are now waiting for them to come back and tell us that everything looking normal on the scans, so despite the scary new symptoms and severe pain (they just gave him morphine in his IV because his head and right arm/hand hurt so bad) they're going to send us home. Yet again.

Guess Who Has Their Own Blog?

My husband!

Please check it out and show him some love.

No News is . . . No News

Newflash ...................



The neurologist at Johns Hopkins didn't have any better idea than the neurologists in Philly.









After a very thorough examine, the doctor here at Hopkins had nothing. I pushed hard for him to do more than simply offer some migraine medicine that might help with his headaches, dizziness, and double vision (all new since the end March) and he finally suggested that we could try getting seen by the Neuropsychology department. Both DH, the doctor, and the receptionist doubted we would be able to get an appointment any time soon, but going with the idea that it never hurts to ask, I called and begged, letting them no we're from out of state and took off both Thursday and Friday so pleeeeease could they see him. Suffice it to say that they scheduled him for a nine am appointment today.

Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room here trying to keep myself occupied and awake while I wait. We had a two hour interview with the doctor and two different students - very in-depth. Then they took DH away for two straight hours of all kinds of cognitive testing (memory, reaction time, word/picture recognition). We had a lunch break at 1 and now he's back in there yet again for another three hours of the same type of testing. If nothing else, we will have a ton of data when today is done.

DH's "relapses" of weakness over his entire left side have become constant - non-stop symptoms for over a month now. He has to use a cane when walking more than a few feet because his left leg gives out with every step. He is no longer able to lift his left arm above shoulder level, even with assistance from his right arm. His left hand now has tremors that may or may not be connected to usage. His left arm goes numb and tingly many times, often waking him from a sound sleep a few times a night. He has lost enough sensation in his left hand that he didn't realize that a bowl fresh from the microwave was piping hot until he switched it to his right hand. His head hurts constantly, ranging from a dull throb to sharp pain that forces him to lay down.

Our hope at this point is to get ANY idea on how to stop this from happening again. When we get home I'm going to push for him to start doing PT and OT yet again before he loses even more mobility in his left arm. Things are bad for him, and they're getting worse. When the doctor yesterday basically shrugged his shoulders in puzzlement over DH's condition, I just went numb. I can only pray that this appointment today helps us learn enough to make a difference, to stop this deterioration and turn it around.

Thanks for reading. I needed to share with friends and get more prayers going. We have to find out what is going on - I don't know how much more of this he or I can take!

Wishing and Hoping and Praying and Thinking . . .

I wish I remembered to bring my coat with me tonight.

I wish I had actually brought the mini powdered donuts TO the fabulous spaghetti dinner I just got back from, a get together of lots of Philly Bloggers like Bossy and DG and MemeGRL and her and them and . . . lots more but I'm too tired to link to them all, hosted by Lora. But instead I ended up eating most of them myself on the way there and on the way back.

I wish our trip tomorrow to Maryland was actually a vacation, and not because we finally got a neurologist at Johns Hopkins to see DH.

I wish we could have afforded to take the train tomorrow.

I wish that DH was feeling well enough that we could walk around the Inner Harbor if/when he is not seeing doctors.

I wish the house would magically clean itself.

I wish the house would magically clean itself. No, that's not an accidental repeat, I just really, really, really wish this one would happen.

I wish my boys weren't having trouble at school.

I wish I could figure out how to divide my focus between all thre kids and their various issues/needs, DH's major medical crap that has been going on since July, work, our finances and trying to figure out how we can afford everything when we both have used up all our sick days (thus don't get paid for every day we don't work anymore, including Thursday and Friday when we're at Hopkins) and still have to pay for the hotel and food and whatever else while we're there, the house, and . . . what did I forget? Oh yeah - my sanity!

I wish DH's health crisis never started.

I wish that any one of the many, many doctors came up with a reason this keeps happening.

I wish any of the many, many, many tests that DH has now undergone have given any indication of why this keeps happening.

I wish DH's health crisis did not escalate to where he is now in constant significant pain in his head and left arm and must use a cane all the time because his left leg gives out with every step - and it's been like this for over a month straight.

I wish I could blink my eyes and just make everything stop for a week - a full week where I didn't have to do anything, didn't have to be anywhere, didn't have to talk to or be responsible for anyone, a week where I could sleep as late as I wanted and escape into cheesy romance novels, one after the other, without even leaving my bed.

I pray that the doctors at Johns Hopkins will look at DH and KNOW what is going on. I pray that this trip will result in answers and help. I pray that someone has finally put a new bulb in to that light at the end of the tunnel and someone else has figured out how to finally flip the switch and that sucker is staying on for good!

Taking Advantage of the Day

My head no longer pounds.
I can step outside into the bright sunlight without wincing from the pain.
My cough has (for the moment) subsided enough to allow me to function.
My computer has not kicked me off-line for the last five minutes (something that it has been doing a LOT lately and I don't know why).
I have the house to myself.

I don't know how long any of the above things will last, so I must take advantage of them all immediately.

DH has gotten an appointment with a neurologist at Johns Hopkins. For those of you joining me for the first time, he has been experiencing significant left side weakness of his whole body (head to toes) on and off since July. No doctor has been able to determine why yet, though a lot of scary sounding things have been ruled out. The symptoms have been increasing in frequency and occurence, and for the last two weeks or so have been accompanied by severe and constant head pain. His appointment is for April 23rd. DH's parents have agreed to pick up the kids from school that day and stay at the house overnight if we choose to spend the night in Baltimore. I just sent an email to Hopkins attempting to coordinate additional tests/appointments for the 23rd and 24th so we can make the most of our time there. I will also call them first thing tomorrow to talk with one of their medical concierges (yes, I think that sounds fancy and just a little strange, too) to see what we can arrange, and then I will look into finding us the most inexpensive lodgings. The lengths that DH and I go to in order to have some alone time . . . first it was just trips to the ER to watch better cable than we have at home, but now it's to spend the night in a hotel - woohoo!

And now it is officially spring break. All week. Last "break" I spent almost the entire time at work. This time I have made the decision that I am NOT going to work at all. I plan to spend time around the house gardening, organizing, cleaning, getting the kitchen ready for Passover, cooking, and spending time with my family. For three days this coming week I have scheduled it so two of our three will be at a local kids' gym for their holiday camp and a different child each of those days will spend the morning with me, lunch with DH and I, and the afternoon with DH. We so rarely get to spend any one-on-one time with the kids, and for the two of us to have time with any one child is almost unheard of. I am so excited with this plan. It also will allow DH and I to both have half the day on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday to ourselves to do whatever we want. All in all, a good plan for everyone. Of course, one of the quotes that is so relevant in my life, whether I want it to be or not, is "Man plans, God laughs," so we'll see what will ACTUALLY happen this week, but at least all of you out there in the blogosphere that are still reading my blog (Is anyone out there in the blogosphere still reading my blog?) know that I had a kick-ass plan. And that is all I can do.

That being said, time to tackle Mt. Washmore and my Paper Mountain. Wish me luck!

Want some cheese with that?

Five minutes after I published my last post, my fabulous friend emailed that she would be bringing over dinner tomorrow. Not only did she bring over dinner for that night, she clearly raided her fridge and brought us half an apple pie. That's a good friend. :)

A few days ago we came home to a plastic bag filled with two boxes of Easy Mac hanging on our front door knob. Still don't know who did that, but again, I have to say that I have really good friends.

I'm not writing now in the hopes of someone else reading this, taking pity on me, and doing the same thing. Really, I'm not. But I do have to complain.

DH is learning to live with the constant, unrelenting head pain. He's not happy about it, but he is learning to suck it up and deal with it. The head pain and the limp. And the left arm pain and tingling. And the slurred speech that now seems to come and go at random, along with the drooping face. Advil and Tylenol are his new best friends, even when they don't seem to be working. And he is still going to work, teaching high school kids how to love reading, and coming home and spending time with the kids (even though he has been removing himself from really loud situations due to his headaches) AND pitching in with the chores. Yeah, I've got a good husband. We even got an appointment to be seen by a neurologist at Johns Hopkins on April 23rd. Not sure yet how we're going to do that (kid coverage, lodging, working with someone there to maybe schedule other appointments/tests for that day or the next to make the most of the visit) but one step at a time.

Today the cold that I have been working really hard to ignore all week came to the forefront stating, "I won't be ignored." It began pounding on my head, jumping in my lungs and the back of my throat so I will cough every minute or two, just making a general nuisance of itself. I stayed in bed as long as I could before beginning to fear that I would go downstairs only to discover complete and total anialation (which still doesn't look right to me but the spell-checker says it is so who am I to argue). I called DH to complain - he was out getting yet another MRI and MRA of the brain (FYI: getting an MRI when your head is pounding is not fun) - and he agreed to come home for a few hours so I could rest. Even though his own head is pounding and his arm hurts and leg keeps giving out.

But wait, there's more. My sister calls this morning virtually in tears, asking if her kids could come over for a play date. She is sick, way worse than me, with a fever and a cough that is probably bronchitis or some such thing, so how could I say no? DH picked them up on the way home. I called my mom to make sure she could go over with some chicken soup and check on her (she was already planning to - I have a good mom, too).

To sum it up: DH is sick with his funky unknown, mystery neurological ailment. My sister is sick with a fever and the chills and a bad cough that might even be pneumonia. And I have a little cold and will have to take over with the kids again in fifteen minutes.

What a whiner I am.

Wonder Why My Head Hurts

DH is laid up in bed with severe head pain (a new symptom to the on-going medical mystery that has taken over our lives for the last nine months). The intense headache coupled with the increased frequency of his relapses (last one was 3/13-3/18, this one began 3/20!) translated to a "change of symptoms" - which is what every doctor has told us to watch for and head to the ER immediately if it happened. So...on Monday night we were back in the ER. In addition to the head pain, his leg was giving out with every step, causing the triage nurse to insist he remain in a wheelchair while in the waiting room, and his speech was so bad you could barely understand him. Fun. Once again, blood tests and CAT scan were normal, so they sent us home. More fun.

It is 6:30 and I am only NOW getting to making dinner for everyone (Mac and cheese - and no homemade for my kids - they get the blue box. I used to really enjoy trying out new recipes for mac and cheese, finding healthier and tastier versions of the classic. But once the kids tried "Easy Mac" there was no going back. Now I just figure, "Why bother?"). They need baths after dinner (they've all been playing outside in the mud, otherwise I'd have no problem skipping it). And did I mention their normal bedtime is SEVEN?!!

I have a big proposal that I have been working on all afternoon (in between talking to DH's doctors, getting him some better pain medication, keeping the kids from running into our bedroom, making sure the boys do their homework correctly AND put it back in their folder AND put their folders back in their schoolbag - a surprisingly difficult set of tasks, and monitoring everyone's Wii time to ensure that no one goes over their alloted fifteen minutes) that is due tonight. Unfortunately I only found out about it yesterday morning.

I guess it's really no question about why I've been gritting my teeth so much lately, or why my head and back hurt so much. I simply have to grin and bear it and just get through it. Let's just hope my teeth have not been ground into my gums by the end of the month.

Just had to share . . .

It is not possible to make everyone happy, no matter what you do or even what your intentions are. That is all.

It's Been Awhile

I've been feeling really conflicted about this blog.

While I worked really hard going back through every single post recently in order to replace actual names with initials in an effort to maintain some sense of anonyminity, many people that know me do read this blog. And that's okay. In fact, that's more than okay. I like that my life is an open book. I like that people can read this and see that even if I sometimes come across as a great big "know-it-all" (as one of my colleagues told me recently in the nicest way possible), that is never my intention.

On the other hand . . . people I know read this blog. People like my husband. And my mother-in-law. And I like to use this blog to vent when I'm upset, to blow off steam and complain. And, as it is for most people, who do I most need to vent about? My husband. Don't get me wrong! My husband is an amazing, wonderful, incredible man. He is truly my life-partner. A superb father. A great human being. But when you are with someone, anyone, day in and day out, for as long as I have been with him, there are times when we make each other upset. They might be minor, they might be big, but that's just the way things are. Being mad does not negate all the incredible, wonderful things he does every day. It does not negate how he helps around the house so much more than he used to. Or that he has cut back on almost all the extra-curricular stuff he used to do at school so he could spend more time with our family. It's just an emotion, usually sparked by something minor.

Side note: As I write this, my stomach is cramping something fierce from some kind of stomach bug that is making me stay close to the bathroom. I had plans to go out this afternoon, but when my stomach started hurting so bad I told DH that my plans changed and that I would be grabbing the laptop and be camping out in our bedroom for the rest of the day. DH, being the wonderful person that he is, just brought me some lemonade and dry toast, between trips up and down the stairs doing loads of laundry and playing with the kids. Yeah, I'm lucky he's mine.

The thing is, since he reads this blog, any time I have vented here, he has read it and been hurt. It doesn't matter if my next post is about how great he is, it doesn't matter if it's a post from last year when he was at school WAAAAAYYY more than he was here, it hurts him to read how bad he made me feel. And it hurts him knowing that other people that know us can and do read this and may think less of him. And no matter how much better it makes me feel to get everything off my chest, it is just not worth it to hurt him like that. And that has made me really uncertain how to proceed.

But what it comes down to is this: my need to keep this blog, to have a place to write down my thoughts and feelings and memories that will soon be forgotten, is huge. We all joke that I have no memory, but it really sucks to not remember so much of my life. I need this blog so I can look back and remember. The blog stays. And I will continue to write in it.

And for those times when I'm just so steamed I have to get away from my incredible DH for fear I will say something I will really regret, those times when if I don't vent and work out my thoughts in writing I might just explode, those are the times I will write in that totally private, completely anonymous blog I started. And I'm not ever sharing that blog with DH.

A girl's gotta have SOME privacy, right?

Right Now

• I can't sleep.
• Started using Slim Fast today. I used it before my wedding and it worked. I know it's not the ultimate answer, that it will only do to get me started, but I think I just need a kick start. I'm also trying the Slim Quick Cleanse. Have to start getting serious about my weight!
• I'm starting to get sleepy.
• Got my Provigil back today. Haven't had it since December due to an insurance mistake. Wow - forgot what it felt like to be totally awake!
• This is not a very interesting post.
• J is coughing a lot. Took her to the doctor today and he diagnosed her with a sinus infection. We go to a practice of about six different doctors, so as I drove her there I told her she would be seeing Dr. P___. She asked me if they were all named Dr. P___ now, so I explained to her that just the one she was seeing today was named Dr. P____ and the others all had their own names.
• Is this post boring enough to make YOU fall asleep?
• Maybe it's enough to make me fall asleep. Of course, I know as soon as I lay down J will wake all the way up and start crying and I'll have to go in and help her fall back asleep, thus making it hard for me to fall back asleep. So I might come right back down and continue this post. I'm hoping that this really is the end. Good night.

Quick Update

So much to say - not enough time to say it!

I have about four different posts running around in my head. They're all excellent (but of course) but I have too much to do to even be fooling around with my blog in the first place, so they will have to wait. Here's the quickest update I can manage:

1) DH - health is fine (now I must spit between two fingers to avoid a kinahera)

2) Kids got a Wii for the holidays plus many many many Legos.

3) Kids are now able to play independently with said presents for extended periods of time.

4) Preschool Director got fired; I am now the Interim Preschool Director.

5) I am in a tough position trying to stay positive at school and focus on the present when many, many, many others want to focus on the details surrounding the change in administration.

6) I am also still teaching my 2-year-old class from 9-12. And Hebrew School twice a week. And Religious School on Sundays (two sessions).

7) The full-day kindergarten is no longer an option for next year. It is a goal for the near future.

8) The camp will (HOPEFULLY) be approved very soon so we can start registering families. I have been working with the Board to make it a reality.

9) I spent much of winter break at school organizing paperwork/files and sorting/organizing books and supplies with the help of fabulous volunteers.

10) I'm trying to remember to breathe.

It's Over

And just like that, it's gone.

DH's symptoms progressed since Wednesday night, making him very hard to understand this weekend. His left leg was buckling with every step. But we kept with the strategy of not "babying" him and having him just work through it.

Amazingly . . .







it has seemed to work!

He came home from work today actually better than he was yesterday. And by the time I came home from Hebrew School tonight, he was about 98% back to normal.

DH is now able to lift his left leg up normally. His knee comes up to the same height as his right one. The fingers on his left hand move apart as far as the ones on his right. His smile is almost not lopsided anymore.

We still have no idea why it sarted again, but we're so glad it's almost over!

It's Back

DH's symptoms came back Wednesday night.

When he came home (he had a meeting after school and then went out to do work) around 7:15, the left side of his mouth was visably drooping, his left hand was not working well, and he could not raise his left arm too high. We debated what to do for a little but by 8:30 we were on the road to Jefferson Hospital's ER (as per the neurologist instructions when he was discharged from Jeff in September). By the time we got there he was limping again. We didn't leave there until around 3 AM after getting neurological work ups from numerous doctors and a bunch of tests that again all came back negative.

Yesterday we went to his general practitioner who did a few more tests (all negative, of course) and we all decided that this time we are going to try to have him work through it.

He went back to work today, and while he survived the day, he had to go to bed at 7. His speech is much more slurred now due to all the talking he had to do at school (mainly because the righ side of his mouth is doing ALL the work), but we both think that it will be better by morning. Walking up the stairs tonight was tough for him. Yesterday he was able to go upstairs alternating his feet; tonight, not so much.

I don't know if it will get worse before it gets better or if we're making it worse, but this is one strategy we haven't tried before so who knows?!!

Old Habits

I didn't plan it.

Yes, I'm very aware of my weight, and yes, I've been trying to lose about 30 pounds pretty much since J was born, but it was not a conscious decision I made.

But I've noticed it now. I can't go on pretending that oops, I just didn't have time to eat breakfast and oops, I forgot my lunch and oops, I have to run out at dinner time.

I was anorexic for about five years growing up. As an adult I used to joke, "What I wouldn't give for that kind of willpower now!" It was simpler then, just an easier way to lose weight: don't eat. But not the healthiest. And, of course, it wasn't all about weight - it was about control.

Hmmm...could I be feeling a little out of control recently? Time to take control again - let's go get some lunch!

The Nutshell

My life in a nutshell:

I teach preschool from 9-1 Monday through Friday. I work with two-year-olds, which I love, but can often be compared to attempting to herd cats. I teach Hebrew on Monday night and Tuesday afternoon, which I also love. On Sundays I teach Religious School to Kindergarteners, which I also love. This summer I will be the director of a brand new camp at my school, so I am working on creating a budget, advertising, and setting that up. In the fall I will be teaching Kindergarten (my DREAM grade) at a brand new full-day kindergarten we are starting at my school, so I am also working on creating a budget, advertising, and setting that up.

Oh yeah, and my three kids come home from school between 3 and 3:30. Then there's homework, dinner, laundry,bills, household paperwork, and all that other stuff.

I'm tired.

I know it's too much. I love what I do, but I know it's too much.

I'm working on finding time for myself (ha!) and to get everything accomplished, though my DH, reading over my shoulder, laughs at the idea that I have trouble finding time for myself. I'm having a lot of trouble trying to balance everything.

Tomorrow is another day, time to finish my plans for the next few weeks, time to finish my holiday card, time to update my address list to send out holiday cards, time to create a Hannukah present on Shutterfly for my niece and nephew, time to do some more planning for both the camp and the kindergarten.

And for now, I sit on the couch with my husband watching Get Smart.

I'll Be Back . . .

An anonymous commenter gave me the kick in the butt I needed. She or he wrote: "I hope you are posting somewhere, and it didn't just stop. Your writing deserves it."

I haven't been writing anywhere. I've been allowing myself to get so caught up in everything going on in my life that I am barely giving myself a chance to take a breath. And that's what this blog has always been for me: a chance to stop what I'm doing, even if it is just for a moment, and take a breath.

Of course, I don't really have time to breathe right this moment (I'm off to parent-teacher conferences at the boys' school then back to my school to pick up all 3 kids then home to finish laundry and . . .) but I just wanted to stop back in and make a promise to myself and anyone else who reads this that I will be back again soon.