As I drove home from HUP tonight, I tried thinking of a humerous way to write about this, a cute title to put on this post.
And I started crying.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't make light of this. I can't make a joke. I can't put a positive spin on this. I can't keep a smile on my face to make everyone else around me feel better. At least for tonight. Maybe tomorrow I can fake it again. Maybe tomorrow I can smile at the rest of the world, make a joke about how we've been to all the other hospitals in the area so we decided to try one more out.
But for tonight I'm scared.
He's in bad shape. It's bad enough for DH to have lost so much strength on the left side, to have lost sensation in his hand and foot, and not knowing if the mobility and sensation he has lost is permanent or not. It's bad enough that DH has had to use a cane to walk around for the last three weeks, that his head has been hurting him so much since March, that his left arm has been hurting him so much that it's waking him up at night. But today I came home from a camping trip with the kids and my parents and my sister and her family, a trip that DH chose not go on because he needed to rest and try to catch up on his grading since his double vision has been getting so bad that he can only do one or two papers at a time, and DH could barely walk. Or talk.
He holds his cane with his right hand, and uses his right side to push himself up. Only now his right side isn't working right, so he can't push himself up, and his both legs aren't moving too well. His tongue has not been able to move to the left side for about six weeks now, but he clearly figured out how to compensate because his speech has improved drastically. Of course now his tongue won't move to the right side either, making his speech incredibly slurred and hard to understand.
Right now DH just got admitted to the neuro floor at HUP. I was able to get a sub for tomorrow so will head back to the hospital as soon as I get all the kids off to school.
Tomorrow is another day. Let's see what happens.