What do I want?

What do I want out of my home life?
I want to have joy and laughter.
I want the kids to be happy, to be able to play independently and cooperatively.
I want DH and I to have peace when we walk into the house, to not feel stressed from the clutter and mess.
I want to be on top of all the paperwork that flies into my house each day, to not miss any more deadlines ever again.

What do I want out of my professional life?
I want to teach preschool, at least for now. When the kids are all through elementary school, or maybe sooner, I can envision teaching in public school again, hopefully kindergarten. But for now, teaching preschool part-time during the exact hours the kids are in school would be great. I would be able to help out with our financial difficulties - maybe we could even afford to take a vacation! Plus I LOVE teaching. Everytime I leave any classroom in which I have just spent time teaching I just feel like walking on air. I feel so great working with kids. I love figuring out how their minds work, and exposing them to new ideas and new activities. Can't wait until I find out for sure if I have the job or not.
I want my business to take off. I want to have about three to four parties a week. I want to have clients enjoy my service so much that they pass my name around to friends and that I actually have to tell people that I'm not available for the first date they ask about. I want to gain a reputation for entertaining kids so much that when someone (other than just people who know me) hears that I'm performing somewhere they make a point of bringing their kids to see me.

Can you tell that we had a life coach come to our last Mothers and More meeting last night? I'm working on getting my image of my ideal life written down so I can figure out the steps I need to take acheive it.

So what about you? How would you answer those questions? What do you want your home life and your professional life to be like? Write a post about it and link it back here! If you don't have your own blog, take some time and write your thoughts in the comments section. I'd love to know what you lurkers are thinking too!

Random Bits of Tiredness

I handed in my resume on Monday and the director gave a big sigh of relief and started telling me all the thoughts she had about how I could handle the logistics of getting all three kids to school and picked up - she had a couple ways all planned out for me. That sounds promising! I can't wait until I know for sure. I don't do too well with waiting in limbo.

Monday night both A and J were coughing. A lot. A was coughing more, but it was keeping J awake and she was complaining about everything else: she was thirsty, she was hungry, she wanted to be tucked in again, she didn't want the cover on her, etc. A kept crying hysterically, and then J, while B on his top bunk had his pillow over his head to try to tune it all out. We finally got A settled but J kept going. After multiple threats, we finally had to move her into her room for the night. She was NOT happy. She had not slept on her own for many months, so we ultimately needed to do a gradual journey out of her room: first I sat in the rocking chair, then the floor near her crib, then by the door, then outside her door, each time I moved she looked up accusingly until I reassured her that I was right here, it's okay, go back to bed. This kept up until TWO in the morning, SEVEN hours past her regular bedtime!!! And yet she still woke up at 6:30 ready to go.

Last night I had a drink of iced tea without really thinking about caffiene and could not fall asleep. At all. Two nights in a row with very little sleep? I'm tired. And DH needs me to figure out a way to go to his brush up rehearsal tonight for the middle school show he has been directing. ARGH! I'm tired!!!

Alright, better see if I can find a babysitter for tonight before I go pick the kids up.

Random Bits of Craziness

I finally connected the desire to go to sleep all day if I could, wanting to go back to bed the moment that I get up, craving just lying down and pulling the covers over my head, with the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control. Yep, I think it's time to up my depression meds. Or something.

I'm depressed. DH started giving me a hard time on Saturday about how stressful it is for him to come home to a messy house. Totally get that feeling - it's stressful for me too! When I explained to him the fact that I have been unable to get off my butt for most of this week except when I had a planned activity due to a flare up of my depression, he backed off immediately. And I did what I usually do to get back on track: I worked on organizing my upcoming week so that I won't feel so out of control. I made a meal plan spreadsheet for me to check off as I go as a way for me not to lose control with my eating. This should help with my weight loss. I finished my resume to hand in today (cross your fingers) to the kids' preschool, where the upcoming job opening is no longer confidential and I am HOPING I will be at the top of the list to get the job. And I sent out an e-mail to all people in my Mothers and More chapter to let them know that newsletter submissions HAVE to be handed in by today at noon so I can put the newsletter together by tonight. I should have sent out that e-mail last week, but kind of got lost in the whole out of control thing.

I had another library realize that they could not live without me providing entertainment for the kids that attend there. So now I'm up to four libraries that I will be performing at this summer, begining next Tuesday. Guess I better finish putting the show together!

I was able to meet with an old theater friend of mine yesterday at a fun fair that Mothers and More had a booth at. She has agreed to be my costume source for any and all parties (woohoo!) which is fabulous since I had a request for an Annie party and want to provide orphan dresses to all the girls and an Annie dress to the birthday girl so they can do a couple of songs from the show. My last communication from the mom was to check on a specific date, so it looks like 95% sure that she will be booking me.

My desktop computer is driving me crazy! Last night I used the laptop to check my work e-mail - totally necessary since this computer literally kicks me off at least a few times a session when I go to check my work e-mail. I know the computer is messed up, and I would like to bring it in to get it checked out. Maybe it won't cost too much to get fixed. DH is pushing to just get a new computer. That seems wasteful to me, but maybe cheaper in the long run. Maybe we would just get another laptop and leave it in the armoire.

Have to run - the kids just informed me that A has gotten the honey. Fun, fun, fun.

I Look Like WHAT?!!

Just saw some recent photographs of myself.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I'm able to turn my head this way or that way to avoid seeing what I don't want to see. If I see the hint of a double chin I lift up my head a little. If my face appears too full I adjust my hair to attempt to make it look slimmer.

But photos don't lie.

I'm really sick of my appearance. I don't want to be overweight. I don't feel good about myself, my clothes don't look good on me. I'm tired of the tire around my middle. I just don't like it. If I lost weight/was in shape I would have more energy. That is HUGE in my life.

And it comes down to willpower. I know there is no magic pill, no huge trick, no big revelation, I know I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, cut out all soda (can't stand the taste of diet and I've gotten into order a coke from McDonald's every time I need a caffine burst), avoid eating after 7:30/8, watch my portion sizes, keeps snacks down to no more than two a day, and get more exercise. I know it's not rocket science! I also know that I'm an emotional eater: I eat when I'm upset, or bored, or tired, or happy. I can make myself feel hungry if I think about it too much, so obviously I can't use that as a guide. I need to eat three healthy meals a day, allow myself two snacks, and drink more water when I feel empty.

And I need to keep a couple photos of myself on the fridge.

My Incredible Sister

Have I mentioned recently what an incredible sister I have? DH has been having MAJOR problems with the middle school show he is directing. When he came home so frustrated on Monday, DS and I offered to help, me going to the rehearsal and DS watching the kids. While I taught Hebrew School, DH brought the kids to DS' house after he gave them dinner. DS took care of giving them baths (my three plus her two), getting them all changed and ready for bed. When her husband came home, she drove my three back to my house and put them to bed.

That would be incredible unto itself, but here's where the REALLY incredible part took place. I have mentioned before that my sister does not really understand the meaning of "down time" - if I ever complain about that again, please remind me of this post! On Tuesday night, she cleaned my kitchen: scrubbed the floor, the stove top, the counters, the sink - it sparkled! On Wednesday, she cleaned the bathroom. The bathroom, people! She scrubbed the sink, the toilet, the tub and shower - it's cleaner than it's been in a long time.

I don't know how she does it, but I'm not at all complaining. I guess some people would have felt embarrassed or insulted. Me, I just felt incredible gratitude. Thank you, DS!!!

Even more tired than before!

I have no question about why I'm tired today.

DH and I were up nearly all night taking turns with not one, not two, but all three kids.

A started it. He developed a cough around 9:30 or so. He kept coughing and crying, coughing and crying, no matter what we tried. This kept up until about 12. DH and I kept taking turns going in and trying to get him to fall asleep. We did everything we could: the vaporizer was on full blast, we propped A up on lots of pillows, his chest was smeared with Vicks Vapor Rub, he had a cup of water that he kept sipping from, he had some cough suppresant pills, I even gave him a little bucket in case he threw up from all that coughing. Around midnight he finally fell asleep. DH and I both dropped into our bed. But only for about fifteen minutes.

J began crying hysterically around 12:15. DH's turn. She couldn't find her pacifier (Yes, she still sleeps with a pacifier. Let's stay focused on the big picture here - she normally sleeps fine!) and clearly didn't feel great so she was very upset. DH searched all over her room and the boys' room for about thirty minutes but couldn't find it. Finally I joined him and found it within two minutes. No comment. J laid down, so did we. Within five minutes J was up and crying again about needing a drink of water. My turn. Two small cups of water later, we were all laying down and quiet.

B's turn: four times in a row, about an hour between each time awake, he began crying because of either a bad dream or because he was calling for his brother and his brother wasn't answering (B is now on the top bunk of their new bunk beds and is still not used to not seeing his brother at night). DH and I took turns responding to him.

J woke again around 4.

A coughed himself awake around 5.

B cried himself awake around 6, at which time I invited him into bed with me (DH had just left for school). He did not fall back asleep, so I while I was able to shut my eyes some more, I kept waking up because he was touching my face (I hate that!) or trying to talk to me.

A slept in until 8, and J slept in until 9:30 (three hours later than she normally does).

It's 10 AM, I'm still in my robe, the kids are downstairs watching a movie, a friend of the family is arriving at 11 so I can go to the Temple and set up for my preschool Shabbat program. She agreed to stay at home with all three kids so they can just rest and not expose everyone at school to their colds.

I have to jump in the shower and dress. I would LOVE to fall back asleep right now, but that's not possible. I was planning to have my incredible sister (see the next post) watch the kids after the preschool program so I could help DH at his rehearsal this afternoon, but I don't think that's happening today. Gotta make it through the day.

So tired

I'm tired.

I don't know why. I was in bed by 10, lights out. The kids woke us up a few times, but only for a little bit each time. I had set my alarm for 6:30, but couldn't get my butt out of bed, even once the kids were awake and in my room. I finally rolled out of bed around 7:30. Maybe starting the day like that, hitting the snooze alarm so many times, is the reason that I am still so tired even now.

I ended up being needed to sub at the kids' school, which was fun, but meant I couldn't get the huge pile of laundry done or finish my resume to apply for the preschool teacher position I want.

At 3:30 I will leave to go back to the Temple to teach Hebrew School.

When I get finished, I will drive the kids over to my sister's with DH so I can go with him to his rehearsal for the show he's currently directing at the Middle School. He is having such a hard time working with these kids! I don't know if it's the age (middle school kids are tough) or if the kids are actually trying to make it hard for him because they miss the teacher who is out on maternity leave. I told him that I would help however I could, so I'm going to rehearsal tonight to try to whip these kids into shape.

And to top it all off, my back hurts so bad. I know it's muscular because I can pinpoint the exact spots where it hurts. I have to get in to see the chiropractor immediately! I know he will make it better; just have to make the time for it.

But, bottom line, I'm tired. REALLY tired. I have to continue to get to bed before 10. It's sad that by 2 today I was counting the hours until I could go to bed. I'm hoping that if I keep getting to bed on time and STOP hitting the snooze button, I'll start doing better. For now, I'm going downstairs to make myself a cup of Chai Tea Latte - I keep bugging Giant until the restock the shelves with the concentrate that Starbucks uses. This last time they called me when the new shipment came in and kept a case behind the customer service desk just for me.

Brrrrr!

It's just not right that we had to put on our winter coats so we could go outside and look for eggs at my in-laws' house this morning. It's not right that even with our coats on and zipped we were still trying to rush so we could get back inside. It's not right that Christmas was WARMER than it was today.

I've got to close this computer down and get under the covers with DH - it's cold!!!

You Say It's Your Birthday . . .

It's my birthday too, yeah...

Happy birthday to me!

Being the organizing dork that I am, as a birthday gift to myself I had two incredible friends come over this morning and they did a Clean Sweep of the kids' playroom/my pantry. The room looks incredible now. After we had pulled everything out of the pantry/closet where everything went when I couldn't figure out where else it should go, I got to the point where I was so totally overwhelmed I wanted to shove it all back in and forget about it. That's when good friends come in handy. They kept shoving things at me to make me sort, focusing me on one thing at a time. And any time I started vascillating on whether or not I should keep something, like the bookends I was given when the boys were born (FIVE YEARS AGO!) with B's name mispelled that I had always meant to return to the store and have them fix, they said my name sternly and MADE me get rid of it.

I have good friends.

Gratitude and Support

I started reading Strange Son by Portia Iversen (the co-founder of CAN) last night and I just can't put it down. Much of the book is about her relationship with a boy named Tito, a severely autistic nonverbal boy from India whose mother taught him to read, write, and communicate. He has an IQ of 185 and has written two books, being able to offer an incredible insight into the inner world of children with autism. It is fascinating! I know how lucky I am that my son is so high functioning, but reading about this child who after communicating with Portia his thoughts and feelings comes to her house and must obsessively make eight destructive laps of her entire house, with seemingly no control over his body, who cannot seem to utilize more than one of his senses at a time, it in turn makes me understand some of my own child's idiosyncracies a little more and incredibly grateful that he has as much control over himself as he does. And as he runs over to me three times as I write this to announce, "I love you," and am again reminded of what an incredible gift this ability to communicate verbally is, which I need to remember when he chatters on incessantly all day long, demanding responses or he will continue to repeat his questions or comments without end.

I signed the kids up to a local kids' gym for the next two days. They are so excited to spend the day running through the tunnels and ball pits and participate in the organized gymnastic activities. The only down side is that DH or I will have to be in the building 100% of the time since A is not potty trained yet. My day to be there is today, so I'm packing up a lot of stuff to work on while they play. I'm bringing Strange Son to finish reading along with lots of paperwork, but the most important thing I'm bringing is my laptop and two books of sample resumes for teachers. Yes, I'm going to apply for the preschool teacher position and work out the logistics if I get it. DH was not thrilled; he's concerned that A MIGHT have trouble adjusting to kindergarten and need my help during those first few weeks of school. I plan to expose the boys to their new school and teacher gradually over the summer during the last few weeks of school to help with any transition problems he might have and line up trusted loved ones to be on stand by in case they are needed, but still I get guilt from my DH that I won't be the actual person standing by, ready to run to school in case our child is having a temper tantrum. I pointed out to him that he actually does better at school than at home, having few irrational fears and less temper tantrums than he does at home, and that made DH feel a little better. I also feel that to not apply for and attempt to get a part-time teaching job that will make me feel so fulfilled and happy on the off chance that I might be needed by my children during the three hours that I'm teaching (the same three hours that ALL THREE of them will be in school) is not fair. I have never needed to come to school to assist with A in any way, so I am not sure why DH feels that kindergarten will be so incredibly different. In any case, I think I got DH to understand that I mainly just needed his support on this, needed to hear him say, "I will support you in this endeavor because I know it's something that you want. Here are my concerns; let's figure out how we can address them." We ended our discussion last night pretty much on the same page, and we're going to take it one step at a time.

April Adventures

I'm accepting the challenge to post every day during this month. And that's all the time (and energy) I have to post right now, but I plan on going to bed on time tonight and will therefore have more energy tomorrow.

Passover is coming! Passover is coming!

Today is my day to clean. And not just the bathroom or vacuum the rugs. Passover is coming, so we're talking SERIOUS cleaning!

So far today I have cleaned out the toaster (how many crumbs were in there - can we say "Fire Hazard"?) and scrubbed down the coffee maker, took all my cooking and baking foods out of the cabinets, sorting them into piles of Kosher for Passover and Chumutz (non-Kosher for Passover), scrubbing out the shelves in said cabinets, and putting all Kosher for Passover foods back in the cabinets. All other foods went into either one cabinet that we won't open for the week of Passover or a box. My children have now learned that there is a tradition to "sell" your non-kosher food to someone who is not Jewish and then "buy" it back when Passover is done, so I'm going to have to call my neighbors to find someone willing to store a box of food for the week. The kids are very excited about this idea.

My goal is to be done the kitchen in the next hour and a half. At two I need to be at my in-laws for Easter egg dying with the kids (yes, I'm aware of the incongruity of these two events). When I return I will begin my baking for the week, starting with the Kosher "bagels" my Aunt Yetta passed down to my mom who passed it down to me (or at least she will when I call her as I do every year to get the recipe - you'd think I'd finally write down my own copy).

And my timer just went off, so my ten-minute break is over. Back to work!

A J Funny

J: When I grow up I want to be a kitty cat and Santa Claus.

Mommy: Why?

J: So I can go "Meow, meow" and "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Well, duh, why didn't I think of that?!!
Special note: J is terrified of all animals, especially cats, and as for Santa Claus - Hello, we're Jewish!!!