It's Over

And just like that, it's gone.

DH's symptoms progressed since Wednesday night, making him very hard to understand this weekend. His left leg was buckling with every step. But we kept with the strategy of not "babying" him and having him just work through it.

Amazingly . . .







it has seemed to work!

He came home from work today actually better than he was yesterday. And by the time I came home from Hebrew School tonight, he was about 98% back to normal.

DH is now able to lift his left leg up normally. His knee comes up to the same height as his right one. The fingers on his left hand move apart as far as the ones on his right. His smile is almost not lopsided anymore.

We still have no idea why it sarted again, but we're so glad it's almost over!

It's Back

DH's symptoms came back Wednesday night.

When he came home (he had a meeting after school and then went out to do work) around 7:15, the left side of his mouth was visably drooping, his left hand was not working well, and he could not raise his left arm too high. We debated what to do for a little but by 8:30 we were on the road to Jefferson Hospital's ER (as per the neurologist instructions when he was discharged from Jeff in September). By the time we got there he was limping again. We didn't leave there until around 3 AM after getting neurological work ups from numerous doctors and a bunch of tests that again all came back negative.

Yesterday we went to his general practitioner who did a few more tests (all negative, of course) and we all decided that this time we are going to try to have him work through it.

He went back to work today, and while he survived the day, he had to go to bed at 7. His speech is much more slurred now due to all the talking he had to do at school (mainly because the righ side of his mouth is doing ALL the work), but we both think that it will be better by morning. Walking up the stairs tonight was tough for him. Yesterday he was able to go upstairs alternating his feet; tonight, not so much.

I don't know if it will get worse before it gets better or if we're making it worse, but this is one strategy we haven't tried before so who knows?!!

Old Habits

I didn't plan it.

Yes, I'm very aware of my weight, and yes, I've been trying to lose about 30 pounds pretty much since J was born, but it was not a conscious decision I made.

But I've noticed it now. I can't go on pretending that oops, I just didn't have time to eat breakfast and oops, I forgot my lunch and oops, I have to run out at dinner time.

I was anorexic for about five years growing up. As an adult I used to joke, "What I wouldn't give for that kind of willpower now!" It was simpler then, just an easier way to lose weight: don't eat. But not the healthiest. And, of course, it wasn't all about weight - it was about control.

Hmmm...could I be feeling a little out of control recently? Time to take control again - let's go get some lunch!

The Nutshell

My life in a nutshell:

I teach preschool from 9-1 Monday through Friday. I work with two-year-olds, which I love, but can often be compared to attempting to herd cats. I teach Hebrew on Monday night and Tuesday afternoon, which I also love. On Sundays I teach Religious School to Kindergarteners, which I also love. This summer I will be the director of a brand new camp at my school, so I am working on creating a budget, advertising, and setting that up. In the fall I will be teaching Kindergarten (my DREAM grade) at a brand new full-day kindergarten we are starting at my school, so I am also working on creating a budget, advertising, and setting that up.

Oh yeah, and my three kids come home from school between 3 and 3:30. Then there's homework, dinner, laundry,bills, household paperwork, and all that other stuff.

I'm tired.

I know it's too much. I love what I do, but I know it's too much.

I'm working on finding time for myself (ha!) and to get everything accomplished, though my DH, reading over my shoulder, laughs at the idea that I have trouble finding time for myself. I'm having a lot of trouble trying to balance everything.

Tomorrow is another day, time to finish my plans for the next few weeks, time to finish my holiday card, time to update my address list to send out holiday cards, time to create a Hannukah present on Shutterfly for my niece and nephew, time to do some more planning for both the camp and the kindergarten.

And for now, I sit on the couch with my husband watching Get Smart.

I'll Be Back . . .

An anonymous commenter gave me the kick in the butt I needed. She or he wrote: "I hope you are posting somewhere, and it didn't just stop. Your writing deserves it."

I haven't been writing anywhere. I've been allowing myself to get so caught up in everything going on in my life that I am barely giving myself a chance to take a breath. And that's what this blog has always been for me: a chance to stop what I'm doing, even if it is just for a moment, and take a breath.

Of course, I don't really have time to breathe right this moment (I'm off to parent-teacher conferences at the boys' school then back to my school to pick up all 3 kids then home to finish laundry and . . .) but I just wanted to stop back in and make a promise to myself and anyone else who reads this that I will be back again soon.

Privacy

I haven't been posting much recently. I'm sure you noticed.

Maybe you noticed.

Did you notice?!!

Probably not. I've probably lost all my readers by now. But I will continue posting, and hopefully you will find me again.

I've been so conflicted on what I can post on here and what I can't. I've made this blog "anonymous", removing my name and the names of the other people in my life, but I know that's not enough. I know that in reality, anyone who knows me and knows my blog can figure out who and what I'm writing about whether I mention names or not. And therein lies my problem.

There's been a lot going on in my life that affects way more than just me that just isn't okay for me to put out there into the big bad blogosphere.

While MY life is an open book, I know that not everyone feels that way about their own lives, which has, at times, made blogging challenging. I don't know how you other bloggers handle this. I've gone back and forth, but finally came up with a solution that I think will work for me.

I just created a brand new blog.

And, no, I'm NOT going to tell you where it is!

My anonymous blog will allow me a place to ramble on and on about everything without needing to censor myself.

Don't worry! (I could tell, you were worried, weren't you? You - I'm talking to YOU! Is ANYone still out there?!) This blog will still exist. And I will still write about my life, even though I'm hardly a SAHM anymore.

Just had to tell you how I resolved this problem. And now I'm REALLY curious: how much do you hold back in your blog? What do you do with all that stuff going on in your life that you need to get off your chest?

Always a Bridesmaid . . .

Or not.



My brother got married last weekend. I'm so happy for him. I really, truly, sincerely am. He seems in love and she seems really good for him.



The wedding was in New Hampshire, which required very complicated childcare and travel arrangements, but it was worth it because DH and I were able to spend a weekend away - the first time in THREE years. My sister and I drove for ten hours (yes, you read that correctly) Friday, leaving at 9:30 in the morning and having to end up driving directly to the rehearsal dinner at 7:30 instead of checking in to the hotel to wash up and change as we had expected. Both of our DHs couldn't miss work so they ended up flying out Friday night (we only hate them a little) and then we all drove back together Sunday afternoon ("only" took us seven hours coming home). Other family members were able to join us for the weekend and it was fabulous spending quality time hanging out and laughing with family that I don't see that often. The rehearsal dinner was at a crab place (No comments on spending Shabbat eating shellfish!) and was delicious. The reception was so nice - worked with the bartender to find a drink that I liked and looked pretty (a Cosmo which he made with less alcohol than usual for me since I'm such an easy drunk a lightweight), ate incredible food, got to slow dance with my DH, and laughed more than I had in a long time with the other at our table. The brunch the next day was also fabulous - delicious food, amazing company.



The ceremony itself just made me sad. I've mentioned before how my brother and I have never been close, how we didn't have much of a relationship growing up and that's it's even less now, but that was never more apparent than sitting at my brother's wedding and observing how he chose to not involve my sister and I in any way what so ever. At all. Not even to pass out programs, or read something, or even sing (not to brag, but I have sung professionally so know I'm at least somewhat decent, and my new SIL's cousin sang two different songs). I feel so petty feeling this way, but it's just the way it is. My brother was an usher in both my sister's and my weddings, and when he had gotten married before my sister and I were both bridesmaids (and I sang). Now I could understand if he was trying to make this ceremony completely different from his other one, but to not be included in any way made me feel like I was not even related to him. And that made me so sad. I tried to talking to J about this, but she will only look at it as proof that she needs to try even harder to pursue a relationship with him and his wife. I don't quite know how she could do that since she has called and e-mailed him many times before without getting responses. I have sent gifts/cards for holidays and his birthday before but have never received any type of acknowledgement that he even received it, let only any reciprocation.

So I'm left feeling so strange, so ambivalent, so conflicted. I DO want to have a relationship with him. The few times I have talked with my new SIL I have really enjoyed it. But every attempt I have made in the past has been rebuffed. They will be coming to PA on the 25th for an informal reception my parents are throwing to welcome my SIL to the family. My sister and I both invited them to spend the weekend as a way for us to have time together, but the response was very lukewarm at best, a "maybe" and "we'll see" tossed out. I plan to send them an e-mail with a more official type of invitation, maybe inviting them to brunch before the party or the next day. And if that is rebuffed as well, I really don't know where to go. He hasn't come home for family events or holidays in a while - he came to our grandfather's funeral but left almost immediately afterwards. He's in CT, so I know that it's not too conveniant to come home too often, but it would be great if he did once in a while.

The weekend away was great, but the wedding left me feeling sad. And I just don't know what to do about that.

Baruch Ata Adonai . . .

Thank You, God.
Every morning my two-year-old class sings this song. After becoming familiar with this phrase (in the Hebrew and English) we begin thinking of things to for which we could say Thank You.

Here's my list:

1. The members of the preschool PTO where I teach who chipped in and bought us an extremely generous amount of gift cards for three different local grocery stores
2. The faculty and staff at DH's school who took up a collection and ended up with an incredible amount of cash to offset all of our medical expenses. It is enough to pay off what we owe to the hospital for July (we're still waiting to hear what we need to pay for September) plus all of the remaining PT and OT co-pays. We're so grateful we have insurance - can't even imagine how much we owe if we didn't - but the co-pays still add up very quickly!
3. The department that DH works in that gave him a Visa gift card to also help with co-pays.
4. My amazing cousin who organized donations from my dad's side of the family and ordered groceries from Acme that were delivered to our house last week and pizzas which were delivered yesterday night. She also organized a collection of frozen meals for us which, even though I was so grateful, I begged her to deliver to my other cousin who recently injured both her legs causing her to be off her feet for a while so I could feel like I was helping in some small way.
5. The huge number of people who made and delivered meals so I could have one less thing to think about. We still have enough meals in the freezer for the next two weeks.
6. The people who brought over convenience type foods (like Uncrustables, Granola Bars, Juice Boxes, etc.) for me to throw in the kids' lunch boxes each night.
7. The numerous people who were able to watch the kids on different days and times so I could go to the hospital with DH or so I could go to work and not leave DH in charge of the kids by himself.
8. My sister and mom who have been searching thrift stores and even sales at various clothing stores in the area to find long pants for my boys, since I have not been able to get out and do that and they had outgrown all pants from last year.
9. My parents who were able to pay for the first three months of my dues for the boys to attend Religious School.
10. The incredible Rabbi at my synagogue who was able to work with me to help relieve other financial burdens we have for the year.
11. The amazing number of people contacted us to tell us about a friend of a friend who had similar symptoms as DH only to discover that it was ______. We have really appreciated all the ideas and theories. For the record, and to relieve all the people who continue to call and offer this diagnosis: it is NOT Lyme Disease. He had three negative blood tests, did not respond to IV antibiotics, AND there was no evidence of Lyme Disease in his spinal tap.
12. The friends and family who allowed DH and I to make light of this whole scary situation by participating in our betting pool we had going on things like when he would be discharged from the hospital, what the eventual diagnosis would be, if he would relapse yet again, when he would return to work, just to name a few. We know we're sick people, but if you can't laugh, you cry.
13. The father of one of DH's students who happens to be a landscaper - he came out yesterday with a partner and took care of our lawn.
14. Our next door neighbors who have mowed our lawn the previous weeks.
15. The prayers, good wishes, e-mails, phone calls, get well cards, and visits.
16. DH's health continues to improve every day.

I'm sure there is more to add to this list, but that's all I can think of right now. Don't I have a lot to be thankful for?!

DH worked half days last week while continuing to do PT and OT four times a week. He seems virtually symptom free, though his left arm is still sore from the weakness. Tomorrow he will begin teaching full days PLUS PT and OT. I am quite nervous that this will cause a relapse again (teaching two full days at the beginning of September had caused this latest relapse) but am trying to stay optimistic. To make matters worse, he has developed an abcess on the tooth that was knocked loose last year when he broke up a fight at school, so must see the dentist right after school tomorrow. His whole face is swollen and he's in a lot of pain.

Please continue to pray!

Update on DH

For everyone checking the blog to see updates about DH, here's the scoop:
DH continues to improve. Tonight he goes back to OT and tomorrow he has PT. He is supposed to do both twice a week ($15 a pop - woohoo!) and is supposed to do all his exercises at home as well. His goal is to ease back into work next week, teaching one or two blocks (each block is one and a half hours) a day. Hopefully he'll be able to begin teaching again withOUT relapsing.

I have one hour of non-kid time before I have to go back to teach Hebrew School, so I'm scooping up all my papers and the laptop and heading to Starbucks.

Home

I worked hard on Wednesday trying to find a doctor at Jefferson (big university hospital in Philly that has a great reputation for neurology). I put the word out that we needed anyone who knew anyone who might be able to help, and the outpouring of support and offers of help was amazing. Ultimately I got his hospital doctor (HMS doctor) to contact a particular doctor at Jeff and the transfer took place on Thursday night. They work through the night there, and doctors were in to see him that night and around six Friday morning. They took him for a few tests that night and even drew some blood for another test at one in the morning.

Ultimately they agreed with what the doctors at Bryn Mawr said: since nothing at all is showing up on any of the tests, they are calling it Functional Neurological Disorder, which basically means that it is medically unexplained. All tests continue to be clean and physically he has improved so much that had we not been transferred from another acute facility, the doctors probably would have looked at us like we were crazy.

Early yesterday evening they sent him home. We won't mention how I brought his clothes that he wore to the hospital home when we were cleaning out his first hospital room, so I had to go to the gift shop and buy him a shirt so he wouldn't look like an escaped mental patient, though he did still have to were their pajama pants and special socks home. We also won't mention how the sleep deprivation caught up with me so much on the ride home that I had to keep begging DH to talk with me so I could stay awake. Or how I fell asleep around 6 o'clock and pretty much slept through until around 5:30 this morning when my sister called to tell me that J's coughing has been pretty bad and she's not sure what more to do. I drove out, picked her up, brought her home, did a neb treatment for her, then let her sleep in bed with Mommy and Daddy. At least she slept in with us!

I took her to the doctor this morning who basically, after listening to how the last seven days had gone, prescribed time together as a whole family.

Time together as a family, hmmm? I know my new found medical degree is only from Google, but I agree with his prescription.

Sorry for the cliched quote, but . . . "there's no place like home."

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

This is my 500th post. I had planned to do something special for this milestone. But the old quote always comes back to haunt me: "Man plans, God laughs."

Those of you who know me IRL know that I try to be very positive. I generally keep a smile on my face to go along with the attitude of fake it until you make it, and usually it works - I smile and trick my body and mind into thinking that everything is okay, at least for the most part. So I'm going to try to focus on staying positive with everything happening with DH.

The good news:

• The radiologist WAS able to perform a spinal tap today.
• The spinal fluid was clear, so at least we know there is no major infection or whatever it would be that would make it cloudy and therefore bad.
• OT, PT, and Speech were all in today to do evaluations. Even though he is much worse than he was last time this all happened in July, they will all try to start him doing at least some rehab tomorrow.
• The neurologist thought of another test for DH (a CT angiogram or something like that) which they performed this afternoon.

And that's all the news I have.

Because Things Weren't Interesting Enough

I'm finally online here at the hospital. Our fabulous friends B and N came to visit and B was able to figure out how to make it work. Thank you, B!!! And thanks N for the magazines and chocolates - exactly what I need.

The MRI of DH's brain was once again clean. Good.

DH began losing strength on his RIGHT side, which is a brand new symptom. Bad.

The neurologist who had already seen him this morning and was planning to do a spinal tap tomorrow was still here, so he rushed back to DH's room to do the tap. Good.

DH's vitals went totally haywire the two times the neurologist tried it, which caused him to pass out during the first attempt and for his heart rate to drop significantly during the second attempt. Bad.

The dr. will try to do another spinal tap tomorrow or Tuesday with Radiology, which (in theory) should make it easier. PT, OT, and Speech will be in tomorrow to do an eval and start therapy. And that's the update. We're trying to focus on one day at a time because the "What Ifs . . ." are too hard to deal with right now.

I Spoke Too Soon

While I was working on my plans at Burlap and Bean, DH walked in to pick me up. He had been hanging out with me there all morning, but had eventually gotten bored and decided to go to the library for an hour or two. The way DH's knee buckled with every step he took warned me that something was way wrong.

I tried driving him to the ER myself, but couldn't go fast enough, plus he was scaring the cr*p out of me with how bad he looked. When I gave him a drink of water it wouldn't even stay in his mouth. I stopped at home to pick up the medical records of this bizarre journey (that I just got a chance to organize yesterday) and made the decision to call 911. They sent an ambulance and we were on our way.

And now we are back in the mystery world of unknown diagnosis. They did a CAT scan of his brain, which revealed that he did not have a major stroke. He was admitted (of course) and will be seen again by the neurologist in the morning. They'll be doing a whole bunch of other tests tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be able to figure out what is causing all this now.

This journey has been so incredibly frustrating and scary I don't even know what to do. I wish we could find an answer. I wish he hadn't lost ALL the progress he had made in PT and OT. I wish he wasn't WORSE now than he was the last time. I wish it was still summer so we didn't have to figure out how to do all this AND deal with my school and the kids' school.

I wish . . .

You Asked For It

Oh, Blog, how I've abandoned you. I've ignored you, I've cheated on you (with Facebook), and I'm so sorry. I know I've said it before (and I'll probably say it again) but things have been crazy. Really, really crazy. As crazy as they were this summer but with all of us at home. I'm going to try to make up for it with a long post filling you in on what has been going on, complete with links and everything.

DH went back to school the last week of August. He had no students until Thursday, and had nothing to do each morning but plan and prep for school. Each afternoon he had meeting to sit through. I know, really taxing, right? But since he was only back to about 85% normalcy (if he ever actually was normal, but that's a WHOLE other post), he came home each day completely exhausted, actually barely able to make it through the entire school day until he could crawl into bed or onto the couch and sleep.

The following week school started for real the day after Labor Day. He had students for the whole day and taught. And because he is the incredible teacher that he is, he couldn't do it halfway. He had to walk among the desks, stay on his feet as he moved around the room to help keep the kids' interest (hey, they're seniors, what do you expect?) and maintain discipline. He taught two full days and had a relapse on Thursday. His mouth started drooping on the left side, he began limping because he his left leg lost so much strength, he started having trouble writing (he's left handed). And, because he is who he is, he continued teaching all day, only going to his doctor after school and only because he already had an appointment scheduled.

DH has been out of work since that day. The doctor had hoped with rest he would begin to improve, but unfortunately he has gotten a little worse each day. His speech is slurred because the left side of his mouth is pulling downward. The progress he had made since his hospital stay has diminished significantly. AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY!

His general practioner (forever more to be known as GP) took multiple gallons of blood (give or take) and ran every viral test known to man (or at least, that he could find in his big doctor book). The results told us nothing, but did show that, like 99% of the population, he had the antibody for Epstein-Barr, which just indicates that he had the virus once before.

Thursday morning he had yet another MRI of the brain. It was clear. That afternoon we saw an infectious disease specialist. He was very thorough and after taking a complete history and examining him, he acknowledged that he has major weakness over his whole left side but does not feel it is related to some kind of infectious disease.

Friday he saw his neurologist and they scheduled a spinal tap (why not - they've done everything else!). That afternoon we saw his GP again who is referring him to get a second opinion from another neurologist and wrote a note for DH to be out of school for at least two more weeks (and then we'll go from there).

While that has been going on, the boys started first grade. They are in different classrooms for the very first time, which I think will be fabulous for both of them. A has a new assistant and seems to be doing okay. Pull-out begins next week, and he will see his Asperger's Support teacher three times a week, a counselor who will work on social skills once a week, speech twice a week, and PT and OT both once a week. B will also begin getting pulled out for OT (FINALLY) and speech. I am so concerned with both his attention/focusing skills and his fine motor skills, but I've told his teacher my concerns already and will e-mail his OT this weekend so she's up to speed with what I've been seeing. We may need to revisit his IEP to create some more specially-designed instruction for his classroom work. Yesterday his teacher sent home a paper that he had written his name on and nothing else. She wrote on the top "Independent Work" and "25 minutes" and "Please finish and return." When I questioned B about it, in between all kinds of excuses, I got out that he had sat at his desk for the 25 minutes and had not even started the paper. WTF?!! It was a handwriting/ABC paper, so I rewrote the worksheet onto a special paper that his OT had given us to make it a little easier for him, but even with that he needed me to sit right next to him to refocus him after almost every other letter. So I'm concerned.

And while that has been going on, school started for me. I'm now teaching almost thirty hours a week. I love it. Preschool began on Monday, though we were in the week before for staff meetings and "Meet the Teacher" days. I'm teaching five mornings plus staying for lunch

(8:30-1:00). Hebrew School started on Monday too. I am teaching all the "Alef" kids, the ones that are just beginning. I worked last year and this summer on rewriting the curriculum, applying everything I know about how kids learn to read to teaching Hebrew. And I actually got paid for it! Good thing I didn't tell them that I am so excited about making all the changes I would have done it for free. I teach two different Alef classes, one Monday night, one Tuesday afternoon. And tomorrow Religious School begins. I was able to take the year-long plans I had used last year (which I had really liked and had spent a lot of time working on last summer) and revise them for this year, but still have more prep to do before the first day. Normally, while I'm on top of each class, I would have so much more plans completed for at least the full month. I had hoped to create monthly newsletters to go home for both Hebrew and Religious School over the summer with what I had planned, revising them a little if I needed to. That's not done. Oh well, there's still time. But just getting my classroom ready and prepping everything that I needed so far has taken so much more time than I thought it would, especially since I had to juggle DH, the kids, and the house at the same time.

Which brings me to the house. While everything else has been going on, I've been trying to work out a new budget (which has been messed up due to all of DH's medical co-pays), stay on top of all three kids' school papers/notices, do the laundry enough so the kids have clean clothes to wear to school, buy enough groceries so I can pack their lunches and have something on hand to make for dinner, keep the floor picked up enough so no one trips, etc.

It got tough enough that I set up a "community" at this incredible website that allows me to type in what kinds of help we need and when and for people we know to join up and sign up for what they will do. We've got dinners coming in for the next week, which is such a relief. My incredible cousin sent out an e-mail to all her friends and family inviting them to a "meal making party" to create dinners for us to freeze and have on hand AND is setting up her paypal account to collect enough money to buy groceries for us for two weeks (at least, that's the goal). Even if it doesn't work, what an incredibly thoughtful plan! And she lives in New Jersey! We've had people join the community that we don't even know really well, friends of friends or connections through various groups we are involved with, all signing up to show support and offer help. And we've had friends that don't live too close or have too much going on in their own lives contact us to let us know they're thinking of us or praying for us. Thank goodnes DH's GP has completely okayed DH helping out around the house (especially since he has been since he's been home despite me nagging him constantly to rest). My sister volunteered to take the kids overnight last night and keep them today until dinnertime, which is allowing us to hang out at a great coffee place while I catch you up and work on plans for school. Plus we got to watch our friends film a music video here for her first CD. The support from everyone has been overwhelming, which, considering up until I started asking for help all I've been feeling is overwhelmed but in a totally different kind of way, is a huge relief.

So that's it. You're now officially caught up. Now quite bugging me so I can get some work done! Just kidding, I've really missed writing here. It's very theraputic for me to get it all out, especially since a) I'm working really hard on pushing through any and all emotions I have about the whole DH medical situation since I have too much to do and b) everyone (okay my mom and someone at work) has been reminding me how important it is to take some time for myself. This was it. I took time for myself to update my blog.

I hope you're happy.

Planning

Got a call the other night from one of our favorite babysitters who told me that she doesn't have to work today and could I use her. Uhhhh....YEAH!!! So now I'm at the best independent coffee houses in the area getting focused, ready to get organized and prepared for the start of school.

I've been trying to get the kids (and me) on what will be our schedule beginning next week, but am having such an incredibly hard time getting my a$$ out of bed. The sleep doctor is sending away for this special nighttime medication for me to take that will make my sleep more productive, which in theory sounds like I would be able to get out of bed rested in the morning. However every medication I've ever taken that has the tiniest "may make you drowsy" warning on it has left me drugged the whole next day. But the doctor pointed out that due to my weight gain (Ow . . . just rub a little more salt in that wound, Doc!) my minor apnea may have increased some causing me to not sleep well. As if I hadn't already decided that I needed to focus on my diet and exercise. Sheesh!

And going along with all that is the understanding that I HAVE to get at least eight hours of sleep. Which means I have to head upstairs at nine so I can wash up and relax some so I can be asleep by ten, because I HAVE to get out of bed at six so I can be dressed and awake when the kids get up at seven so we can be ready to leave the house a little after eight. Which means that no matter how much my bed beckons, no matter how much my eyes begin to close again on their own, no matter how much I want to pull up the covers again and go back to sleep, I have no choice but to GET UP!

And now, that being said, I have to end this post so I can get started working on my plans for Preschool. NOW!

I'm Not Dead Yet!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaa--aaaaack!!!

I know you've all been worried, wondering where I was and why I wasn't blogging. Every day I said to myself, "Make some time for your public your readers the one or two people who check in to see what you're rambling about now." And yet I didn't. There's a few good reasons, like:

• I discovered Facebook, which is so much more addicting then I realized!
• We went on vacation down the shore for a whole week with my parents and my sister and her whole family.
• School is starting all too soon and I am so frigging behind in all that I need to do to prep for Preschool, Hebrew School, and Religious School.
• As I do every year around this time, I'm trying to find the most efficient way to handle household things like bills, groceries, meals, laundry so things will run smoothly once the school year begins.
• I'm planning a big "Thank you" party for this Friday for all the people that helped while DH was sick (Sorry, Anjali, I'd invite you but the plane fare might not be worth it!)

But even though I'm just a tad overwhelmed, I just wanted to pop on to show that I'm not dead yet (Monty Python reference anyone?) and to mention the fact that I just went to my sleep doctor today (I'll be trying some new drugs in addition to the drugs I'm on now) and was weighed: in one year I've gained TEN pounds. That is so wrong. Yeah, so now, in addition to all the stuff I listed above, I have to REALLY start working on my diet again.

Well, at least no one is in the hospital - oh, man, I almost went and did it! I'm not superstitious, but I know better than to put a kinahera on my life right now. I better just publish this before I end up spitting all over the computer through two fingers to get rid of the evil eye.

The Whirlwind in my Head

Sorry.
This is going to be a boring post. I can feel it even as I start. I just have so many thoughts wrestling for dominance floating around in my mind that I can't hear over the voices shouting in my head it's hard to focus.

Aren't you so glad that I figured out once again how to show off the one cool blogger trick I've learned cross things out?

July pretty much sucked for us. There were good moments, such as having so many friends and family and people that DH works with step up and offer support in so many different ways. But spending so much time in and out of the hospital really screwed up our summer plans leaving DH and I so far behind the eight ball that I can't even take the time to create a good pool reference to finish the metaphor - if it is in fact a metaphor at all really complicated all the plans we had to get ready for each of our school years.

But now it's August. I had managed to find a babysitter to do stuff with the kids for today, tomorrow, and Thursday so DH and I would both have the time to plan, set up our rooms, do all the stuff we need to do to get ready. HOWEVER, the babysitter for today called early this morning that she has strep. Did you hear the sobs from your house? She started antibiotics already and will be ready to sit for the kids tomorrow, but boy did it mess up my plans for today! Ultimately, DH and I worked it out so he's at school all day (I keep checking in with him to remind him to take it easy) getting his classroom library set up (he teaches English using reading workshop and has spent a ton of his own money buying young adult literature). We will have a babysitter (keep your fingers crossed) Wednesday and Thursday and DH will be in charge of the kids on Friday.

And then there's Saturday. My parents have rented a house for all of us (us, my sister and her family, and them) to spend the week down the shore. What an incredible gift and I'm really looking forward to an amazing week. I'm going to do what I can so DH can REST as much as possible. He's freaking out a little that he won't have the energy to last through the whole day of teaching once school starts (he goes back the last week in August), so I keep stressing to him how much rest he will be getting. Hopefully helping him rest won't end up causing me too much stress to enjoy the week!

I took the kids and my laptop to Chick-Fil-A today (it has a terrific indoor play area and I had coupons for free kid meals). I was able to get some planning done, mainly listing the projects I want to do for each holiday for the year and revising my plans for religious school. I still need to rewrite the Hebrew School curriculum and plan out an overview for the year, finish revising my religious school plans, work on my plans for the beginning of the year for preschool as well as a detailed overview for the whole year, and try to work on getting low-cost/free publicity for my business. And set up my preschool classroom. And pack for the shore, which includes cleaning out the fridge of perishables. In three full days. I can do it. Really. No problem.

I think I can.

I think I can.

I think I can.

I Can SEE!!!

I don't have time for a real post right now, but just had to share:
A is my favorite person in the whole wide world right now. Even though DH and I searched for my glasses high and low, apparently we never moved the couches. A just screamed out, "I found Mommy's glasses!" Don't know (or want to know) why he was looking there, but they were under the couch. YAY!!







Just in time for me to pay $250+ for my replacement pair (which we will be putting directly into my night table drawer for the next time I lose them).

I Can't Read!

If I could create some kind of system for glasses, something that all of us absent-minded glasses wearers could attach to our glasses so we could just touch a button or clap our hands and then we could instantly locate said glasses, I could make a fortune. Or maybe I'm the only one that does this over and over again. In any case, my glasses are gone, we've searched all day, I have finally ordered a new pair (which won't be in until Thursday at the earliest). That means no updates until then. No reading, no computer, no writing, no paperwork, nothing close up until I get the new pair. Yeah, I won't be going through withdrawal or anything. Nahhh....piece of cake.

Life is Good

I finally have good things to share.



DH is now using a cane instead of the walker. He had his first PT appointment yesterday and did great. They found some residual weakness, but it was amazing watching them test him and comparing it in my mind to how it had been just last week at this time. They gave him some moist heat on his left shoulder and leg and then he was able to do a few exercises that actually involved him lifting his left arm all the way above his head, and extend his left leg straight out, things he has not been able to do in over a week. Wow! Right now he is out on his own for the first time since the 21st. This morning we went to see a free movie together as a family - he drove and did fine, so this afternoon is a test to see how much he can do. His plan is to go to school and to his favorite book store and then come home. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not too much for him, but I told him when we came home that I would not be questioning him all the time about if he was sure he was up to anything, that he would have to listen to his body and judge. I'm just biting my lip and hoping he's doing that.



The kids right now are having a picnic with our next-door-neighbors in a "clubhouse" they've all created between some trees. My sister and I had a "hideout" in the space created between a row of evergreen trees that lined our driveway growing up, so this make me feel all warm inside.



When all this medical stuff got to the acute stage last week and DH was hospitalized indefinitely, I turned all the coordination of the kid-care and meals over to my incredibly organized and amazing sister, after I stared at the computer and my cell phone for about fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to work all this stuff out so I could spend as much time as I could at the hospital. That night she reported back to me all the different things she lined up for us, exclaiming, "You've got some incredible networks of friends!" It's funny, I go through chunks of time where I wish I had more close friends, friends that would call me up and invite me to go out for coffee with them or for a night out. But times like this make me realize that I have friends, I have people that love me or that can only imagine the situation we were in and want to reach out to support us however they can.



My sister worked out a shift system and had people picking up the kids from the hospital after they visited Daddy in the morning (shift one) to take them out in the morning and then dropping them off at someone else's house for the afternoon (shift two) and then someone picking them up from that person's house to take them somewhere for dinner (shift three) and then back to my house so someone else (shift four) could come and help me get them ready for bed (I wanted them to stay here in their own beds each night to give them SOME sense of routine) and stay with them once they were asleep so I could go back to the hospital if needed (I never ended up doing that, but it was great to know I could I wanted). First of all, isn't that incredibly organized? I would have written anal and crossed it out but right now I can't remember how to do that and don't want to take the time to look it up. Second of all, isn't that amazing that she found enough people to volunteer for that?!!



I've had people bring us meals, pick up groceries without me even asking (things like snacks for the kids, bread, peanut butter, jelly, random stuff that families need), pick up stuff at my request (healthy snacks for DH and I to eat in the hospital - that person also picked up two slices of packaged Oreo pie for me!), call, visit, e-mail. My local Mothers and More group stepped up; some members helped with the kids, some tooke care of meals, one member who I hadn't even met brought a meal and groceries - incredible! I even had my cousin (Michelle's SIL) who lives in Jersey call - she's going to be sending us some pizza for tomorrow night's dinner! Our neighbors have mowed the lawn, pulled the weeds, even taken out our trash. And now the kids have moved from their clubhouse in the backyard to another neighbor's house across the street to try out a great big frisbee that one of them got.



And all the people who have prayed for us - I don't talk about faith too much on this blog because it is so deeply personal for everyone, but I am a very spiritual person. It has meant so much to me to hear people tell me that we are in their prayers, or even that they are sending good thoughts our way (the non-religious person's way of praying, in my mind). On Tuesday I was driving back to the hospital after dropping the kids off somewhere and running home to get some stuff. I had seen my neighbors and tried to update them some, but got somewhat emotional and had to stop. I do great in a crisis. I can tuck my feelings away like the best of them (I know, not exactly healthy, but helpful at times like this), but once I start to cry it's really hard to start. I didn't want to bring that back to the hospital with me, so I knew I had to pull it together somehow. I found myself pulling into my synagogue's parking lot almost without thinking about it. I walked in, bypassing the office and all the people I know that work there, and walked into the sanctuary on my own. And I prayed. At first, I didn't really know what to pray for, my mind was such a jumble of concerns and doubts and guilt for not bringing him back to the hospital sooner, so I finally just stopped and listened to my heart. And then it was clear: I thanked God for the medical care that is available to us, and prayed for strength to get through this crisis. And I gave it all up to God. I knew that I had no control over this situation, that things would work out as they are supposed to, so I reminded myself that it is in God's hands. And I left there feeling such peace, something I hadn't felt since all this started on July 10th when we first went to the hospital thinking he was having a heart attack. And now that he's been released, everything bad ruled out, improving every day, I still feel it.

I'm still tired (sleep deprivation + narcolepsy are not a good mix), still trying to get the paperwork and the house back in order, still opening cabinets and finding things in strange places due to all the different people who have been here to help, but it's all okay.

Life is good.