Tuesday, October 02, 2007

My Pity Party

I've been really down on myself recently.

I know part of that is just from being tired. And maybe I'm PMSing (really have to keep track of all that again instead of guessing).

I just feel like I have too much on my plate and therefore am not doing anything really well.

When I'm in the classroom I love what I'm doing, except I feel like I could be doing so much more. Free play is really important for two-year-olds, but any time I sit down and relax for a moment in the classroom, I see so many opportunities where I coud be building language skills, increasing the kids' awareness of each other, moving them from parallel play to actual interaction, the list goes on and on. It's just tough to be "on" for three full hours. But that's the job!

When I'm with my kids I feel like I could be doing so much more. I have great ideas but no energy to follow through. I would love to have the boys start a journal at home, drawing a picture of something they did at school and then they could "write" a little bit about it. I would love to read with them more, even having a set reading time each day. I would love to take daily walks with them. I would love to go to the park with them a few times a week and teach them how to play soccer or basketball or baseball. The list goes on and on.

When the kids are playing outside I look around the house and am just disgusted by all that I could/should be doing around here. Mt. Washmore keeps piling up, as do my paper mountains, no matter how much I take away from them.

I would love to be in contact with the people I consider friends more often, making "playdates" (with the kids or without). I feel like I could be in isolation over here with the kids if I don't push myself to get together with others. I think that's a whole post unto itself.

I'm really frustrated. I know part of it is I'm being too hard on myself. The sprained ankle has thrown me - it's hard enough to do everything I have to do, doing it while limping and ignoring the ankle pain makes it even harder. And the fact that I'm tired all the time doesn't help either! I just feel like there has to be a way to do all that I want to do, and I just can't wrap my head around it.


Domestic Goddess said...

Ugh. I had a week like that last week. I was on the verge of tears. Every time Bugaboo went out to the yard by himself to stim I felt like I shoulda been there stopping it. I feel like I should be expanding his language more. I feel like he could be learning more. I feel like he could be communicating more. I am just so frustrated.
It took me an entire week just to get laundry done. UGH.
You are being awfully hard on yourself. You are doing so much and there is so much going on in your life. You are amazing holding it together like this even if you don't think you are. Trust me, been there, done that. Pat yourself on the back, you are doing a great job!

O said...

Oh, honey. I know. I keep meaning to call or email you, and it keeps falling off my list too. And my days sound like yours with the shoulda/coulda/woulda ideas. I keep reminding myself that if this stuff were easy and intuitive, Flylady wouldn't have a website. We'd all just hum along in our routines with nary a need for a tune up. But I'm back to the point of a nightly and weekly checklist to keep the balls in the air that need to be in the air...
And don't let the word "October" scare you. I love your journal idea but you will have to see as days go by how this might fit in to your routine right now. Try it a few different times a day. If it works well in one, keep it; if not, maybe this isn't the year.
As to laundry...there is ALWAYS laundry unless you are washing nude! And even then, there's bedsheets. Of course, I say this with mine piled so high I can't even get to the top of the pile anymore so I am forced to fold what comes out of the dryer.
Hang in there! This too shall pass.

Sue said...

My hat is off to you for how much you strive to accomplish and do succeed. Don't beat yourself up for what does not get done.
Take care, you are doing great!

Mommychicky said...

And the trials of Julia aren't helping any, I'm sure. The only advice I'm going to give is to try to sit outside for a bit each day. When I get the downs, the thing about the vitamin D and the sun makes a difference. Keep your chin up and remember, there's no rule that says you have to fold anything :)

Anjali said...

If it makes you feel any better, EVERYONE feels like this. The big difference is that those of us who aren't teachers probably don't know as much about what we COULD be doing with our children, but aren't. (For instance, a journal would never occur to me in a million yearss.)

You're doing great. Keep up the good work.