Friday, August 11, 2006

Thanks for noticing I'm alive

I was so thrilled to get such supportive comments yesterday - really made my day to see that I was not alone in FEELING alone! :)

Took the kids to the park today (what a fabulous day!) to meet up with other moms from my Mother's and More group. J had brought her dinosaur flashlight with her. I lowered my dashboard mirror so I could watch her while I drove. I tried giving her lots of attention and complimented her a lot about remembering not to touch Baby DN-J and she did much better. I kept telling her to either hug her dinosaur or sit on her hands. So no hitting for this car trip. She pinched DN-J hard enough yesterday that she left a mark, leaving me to realize that I just cannot leave her alone with Baby DN-J even for a second until she gets over this stage. Not the easiest thing in the world. I'm also trying to give J lots of positive attention whenver I can. Hopefully all of this will work!

All the friend stuff that I was writing yesterday reminded me of high school. It's amazing, even when you think you're over all that stuff.... Anyway, I had mono in tenth grade - really bad. Didn't help that I was severely underweight (that will happen when you're anorexic for four years prior). I ended up being homebound for about half the year. I don't remember anyone calling or stopping by at all. Maybe they did - I have a bad memory - but I don't really remember it at all. Made me feel really invisible. Like I could just disappear and no one would even miss me. When I stopped working to stay home with my boys, the same kind of thing happened with all my work colleagues. I realized that they weren't really friends, just people that I saw day in and day out. But again, that same feeling about disappearing and not even being noticed sprang up again.

I don't even really know what my point is. I mean, of course I'm important to my family, but all these thoughts I've been having were making me feel that if I disappeared no one else would really miss me. That's a sucky thought! It really helped to be reminded of all the people IRL that do care about me, plus all the people in the "blogosphere" who care about me too.


Faerylandmom said...

I'm so glad you were encouraged by my comment. I really felt for you, but didn't want to sound like I knew the perfect solution. Thanks for sharing your pg stories with me on my T13.

I am so happy you were able to deliver healthy matter where that was. Where doesn't matter nearly as much as your state of mind! If you were cool with it, then it was right. Very few things in life leave you so much leeway...most stuff is pretty black and white - like pinching a baby! ;o)

I was glad to "meet" you.

Heather said...

Hey! Your voice back yet?

Anonymous said...

I always felt alone (a loner) in high school, too. When I read those words I knew JUST what you were talking about. =( And I remembered and wondered what changed, and why didn't I feel it again when I stopped working to be a stay at home Mom like you? I don't have THAT many friends...where is my fulfilment? And then it dawned on me, and I have to tell you...I'm not sure why.
I always believed in God, but I never knew he was "real". Real, real. I always thought he was some mystical, "higher power", vapor kind of being who I had no right to show my face to, the great sinner I am. =)
In 2001, something happened. I don't know what it was. But I was minding my own business, visiting a friend's new appartment, when God put into my heart that he is not what I thought. He is a Master, in love with me, and he wanted to be my Friend. He told me He had been following me around my whole life, waiting for me to see Him. He told me that when I was hurting from the way I was treated in school, He was crying next to me and just wanted to badly for me to cry in His arms and rest my insecurities on His sureness of my beauty. And He asked me if I would please stop making Him wait to fill me up with a goodness and peace and love I had never known. And I agreed. (I was a little freaked out, I have to admit). And I have never felt invisible since. I am a shining light who's worth was already determined on a cross by my Friend God's Son, Jesus, who died for my sins so I could sit with His Father whenever I want to. And so are you. =) Love.