Zzzzzzz

After posting yesterday I ended up "napping" on the couch while the kids had tv time/computer time. Bad Mommy, I know, but I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. Around 11:30 or so we went to Ikea - the boys got to play in the ball pit and J walked around the store with me since she is still a couple inches too small. We parked in the underground garage, which apparently really confused B. When I explained where we would be parking, this conversation ensued:
B: Are we going to see all the old people who live there?
Mommy: What old people?!!
B: You know, the old people. When they die we bury them underground.

Man, the way his mind works!! I quickly reassured him that we would not be digging up the ground and that old people who are LIVING do not need to get buried!

J and I had a good time walking around the store, checking out the layout of the different decorated rooms. She did balk when I brought her to the first bathroom within a bedroom. "Mommy," she stated matter of factly, "I don't need to use the potty." Good to know she was not planning to use the sample bathroom!

I brought the kids home in the afternoon after treating them to a lunch of mac and cheese at the IKEA cafeteria (99 cents - can't beat that!) for some quiet time for all of us. A was looking forward to his "friend" (the teenage volunteer from the Friendship Circle) coming over to play with him, but soon threw himself to the floor in dispair when he listened to the answering machine message and heard her voice telling us that she couldn't make it today. He was so upset the only way I could think of to calm him down was to have him call her up on her cell phone so she could tell him that she could come over today. The novelty of calling someone up "by himself" and talking to her on the phone really calmed him down, and hearing that she'd come over today cheered him up considerably.

When DH got him, he took the kids to the store to buy ice cream and toppings for dessert (the pushover) and I napped on the couch. The sights and sounds of them all returning and running through the house did not rouse me completely. I was considering going to sleep for the night (it was 5) but stayed up long enough to eat dinner. And then I turned in before the kids even went to sleep. I watched a little tv while laying in bed and was out by 8. I did wake a few times during the night, but went back to sleep fairly quickly.

I woke up this morning for real around 6:15. I felt wide awake for the first time in a while - woohoo. Showered, dressed, made the bed, put in a load of laundry, ate breakfast, checked my e-mail, started writing this post (it's now 7:45), and now I'm yawning again and considering taking a nap. This is not right! I'm glad I have a sleep study scheduled, but it's not until the end of next month. I'm not really sure what to do at this point, except continuing to go to bed early (I'll aim for 9).

I'm tired but have the whole day to myself (one of my last before DH goes back to school on Monday), so don't want to waste it. Here goes!

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I took my weight tracker off. It was obviously not serving as any type of incentive - the scale keeps going the wrong way! I'm really frustrated, but know that I just need to consistently eat right and get some exercise. I just have to stick to it, which clearly is not easy for me or I'd already be doing it!

It's pouring. I was going to have the whole day to myself but DH needed to switch since he had a minor emergency with a friend/teaching partner at school that he wanted to deal with today. No problem, but now I have to figure out something for the kids and I to do. I don't want to be stuck in the house all day. Guess we'll be getting wet today!

Yesterday I took the kids with me to my classroom and they did such a great job playing with the toys while I organized the cabinets and closets. We ended up staying later than I had expected because they were playing so nicely together; we were almost late getting home so we could go to the circus! My in-laws get tickets every year for all of us to go together. It's a fun circus, but it ended up being so cold yesterday none of us could believe it! I guess if I had been outside for any length of time yesterday I would have thought to have us all change into long pants and sweatshirts, but seeing as it's AUGUST I didn't imagine we would need to!!!

Oh boy, it's 8:15 in the morning, I'm showered and dressed, 2 out of 3 of the kids are dressed, we've all eaten, and I'm already SOOO tired. I'm sure the rain is not helping. I really have to just start consistently getting up early to get moving. AARGH!

My mini-"vacation"

I'm sitting at my sister's dining room table, my nephew playing quietly with playdough and my niece taking her morning nap upstairs. DH just took our kids out to drop stuff off at home and then go to his parents' for the day. We figured two days and two nights of togetherness was about all the kids could take before major meltdowns happened. I await my sister and brother-in-laws "speedy" return (a.k.a. sometime tonight). They had a wedding to attend in Boston (a decent distance from here) - DS has been there since Thursday, BIL left after giving me DN-J at camp on Friday after he dropped DN-A off there for the kids' last day.

The house is SOOOO quiet now that we're down to only two kids!

I did my best this last week to finish planning for preschool, but I'm not totally finished. I managed to get everything written out until about December and a list of materials I need to make. I'm going to attempt to get some more typed out this morning while DN-A plays and DN-J sleeps. I'm sure I will be adjusting the plans, revising as the year goes, but it will make me feel great to have a solid framework in place. PLUS it's all on the computer so I can easily make changes as I need.

I did a princess party yesterday out in Quakertown (took me almost an hour to get there, but they paid a $25 travel fee so I was fine with it). The kids (and the moms) all loved it, and the woman offered me a reference unsolicited if I ever needed it. I HAVE to take her up on that! My goals at this point for the business:

• Write form "thank you" letter to send to all parties within a week, thanking them for hiring me, asking them to fill out a basic feedback form (which would include a place for them to write quotes that I could use on my website), and telling them about some kind of incentive plan/thank you gift they could receive if someone hires me based on their recommendation
• Decide on an incentive plan/thank you gift
• Revise my website (Hear that, Mommy Brain?) to include face painting, an additional half hour of interactive entertainment, memorable and unique invitations, and procurring a birthday cake (and remove the info about the Deluxe Package, or at least revise it to include the basic package and all of these additional things)
• Buy professional quality face paints
• Buy more princess dresses to offer more sizes and selection
• Order merchandise with my name and info on it (i.e. a toy to send each kid at the party home with, a "to do" list with a magnet to leave for every mom)
• Order two magnetic signs for both sides of my car
• Now that I've done several princess and pirate parties (clearly the most popular choices) I have to write up (on the computer) the crafts, songs, stories, costumes, and activities that have worked well as well as the specifics on what needs to be ordered for each party and how much it costs per child.

I think that's it for now.

Okay, while DN-A is still content to play independently (and considering how much independent play he does, it's no wonder he ends up getting so frustrated while playing with my children), I better try to get some work done.

A Song of Healing

Shabbat Sholom! Just returned from services. I haven't been to services for a while now, mainly because I lead the preschool services most Fridays, but also because I don't really like listening to the current rabbi (which is a story unto itself). But over the summer we have various congregants take turns leading the services. Tonight I saw that a good friend of mine was going to be the para-cantor and another friend was going to be the para-rabbi and it just seemed like the perfect service to attend. And it was.

One of the prayers that we sing is a song for healing called Mi Shabeirach. Whenever we sing it, I'm taken back to a scary time in our lives, when J was hospitalized with RSV pneumonia. I had brought her to the ER because she had been having trouble breathing. Since B had suffered with RSV and later with Reactive Airway Disease, DH and I had become "experts" on dealing with children with respiratory issues. After giving J all of the treatments we could at home and trying all of the tricks we could think of, the sight of her ribs with every breath and the sound of her wheezing told us how much she was struggling, and away we went.

At the hospital they poked and prodded, gave her an oral steroid and another neb treatment, and since her O2 stats were good, they were getting ready to discharge her. DH had left to get the car and J had finally fallen asleep on my chest. As her sleep deepened, her O2 began decreasing: 95...92...89...87. From our vast experience, I knew that they like the O2 be 95 or above, and when it starts dipping below 95 is when they generally decide to keep us for an longer visit. I waited for the alarms to go off and then realized that they had turned the alarms off already since we were getting ready to go. I was on my own with the exhausted sleeping child on my chest, no ER staff in sight, and the call button out of reach. Looking back I can't even remember how I got them to come in and begin giving her Oxygen to bring her stats up again, but I still remember my panic of the moment.

Clearly J's condition was not stable and we were sent upstairs to a room. And so began a very frustrating hospital stay. When awake, J was fine, dancing in her metal crib and playing peek-a-boo to the staff that walked by her door. But every time she fell asleep, her O2 stats dropped to an unsafe level and Oxygen would need to be administered.

The second night, exhausted and overwhelmed, I began singing Mi Shabeirach to my fussy little girl who didn't want to go to bed in this strange metal contraption once again, thank you very much. The song had the desired effect: she settled down and my racing, worried mind began to rest. I sang with all the feeling I could put into the words, praying that "...the Source of strength, who blessed the ones before us ...." would "...bless those in need of healing..." Once I started, I couldn't stop. I knew that this was truly not in my hands and that once I accepted that I would be able to be even stronger for my little girl. A feeling of peace came over me. That night, whenever the nurses came in to check her vitals or adjust the amound of O2 she was receiving, I sang the song again, finding strength in those words. And all the next day as well, until finally her lung function stabilized and she was able to return home.

Tonight I prayed for the strength to look beyond J's temper and bad behaviors and see that beautiful girl that is there. I prayed to help me remember to look past the moment and see the bigger picture of every tantrum, every refusal to obey, to look for ways to teach her to control herself. And a feeling of peace once again came over me. I have faith that we will get though this challenging phase in one piece, better for it, ready to jump right into the next one. I know we can do it. And when I forget, I will just have to remind myself all over again.

Thursday Thirteen

THIRTEEN THINGS R IS PROUD OF THIS WEEK

1. I stayed under 1300 calories today!
2. I figured out how to put that cool header up there.
3. I finished planning for Hebrew School for the year.
4. I took the kids with me to Produce Junction and got them to help with buying fruits and vegetables.
5. A saw a bouquet of flowers there and "gave" them to me as a gift.
6. I actually did something to take care of myself yesterday by going to a sleep specialist.
7. I've been so focused this summer getting my school plans completed.
8. I did two parties last week that both went really well.
9. I finished planning for my Friday Parent and Me group.
10. I finished almost all my plans for Religious School.
11. I will (cross my fingers) finish said plans tomorrow while hanging out at Starbucks.
12. I pushed myself to set up various Mommy/Kid playdates for the nights DH was working.
13. I started bribing the kids with M&Ms to get them to do clean up jobs and it's been working great!
    

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I might have a REASON for being so tired

I just got a fabulous compliment from a new reader about how much she loves my blog. It was from someone who I have not yet met, someone with the Friendship Circle, a fabulous organization who is coordinating a teenage volunteer to come play with A a couple hours a week. It's always kind of disconcerting to know that someone who I may meet someday will know so much about me before we even say, "Nice to meet you!" On the other hand, it's a great conversation starter, and kind of puts me more at ease, especially if they've read about how tough it used to be for me to meet new people and make small talk. All in all, it's always nice to hear from a fan! :)

I'm so proud of myself. I finished all my plans for Hebrew School today plus my list of Hebrew School materials needed by week. I am 95% finished my Religious School plans, am totally finished detailed plans for my Shabbat Parent and Me group, and am about 60% finished my preschool plan. I'm doing great with my goal of getting all my school plans completed by September.

I'm also proud of myself for finally doing something about the constant fatigue that I have felt for so long. I met with a sleep specialist doctor today. After talking at length about my symptoms, she wants to not just do a sleep study but a TWO DAY sleep study! Yes, I will need to spend the night, hooked up to all kinds of machines while I try to sleep. If the test shows significant evidence of apnea episodes, then we'll assume that is what is causing the fatigue and treat that for a while to see if that makes a difference. If the apnea episodes are not that significant, they'll need me to stay an additional ten hours, hooked up to most of the same machines. They'll have me attempt to take a nap every so many hours, allowing me no more than 20 minutes to fall asleep. If I fall asleep, they will only let me sleep for fifteen minutes. If I don't fall asleep then I will not be able to nap again until the next time. She said the fact that I have felt fatigue for so long (I do a good job faking it, but really feel like I could fall asleep almost at any time if given about ten minutes of quiet) she had a couple other possiblities, one of them being a form of narcolepsy, which apparently is yet another spectrum disorder (and boy, do we know all about them). Some of what I read about narcolepsy doesn't seem to fit me, but the sleep paralysis happens to me most nights - I thought it was normal. I truly thought everyone sort of shifted into a half asleep/half awake mode before they actually fell asleep, alert enough to manipulate their dreams a little but not enough to move their body. I will schedule the test tomorrow. I cannot wait to find out what they discover.

My Amazing Son

My son is amazing. And he has Asperger's.

Don't gasp and gape when I have to restrain him in the library to get him to move away from the computers and he melts down, flapping his hands and sobbing as if his world has come to an end. I have lots of techniques to bring him back; I'm sorry for the noise, but it will be over soon.

Don't tell me he needs a spanking; that's really not going to make a difference.

Don't dimiss his problems, telling me that your kid does the same thing. Your child may do one or two of the same things, but if he truly did all of the same things then you should bring him to a developmental pediatrician or two, just like we did.

Don't avert your eyes when I am struggling to change a messy diaper and he is using all of five-year-old strength to push me away; ask if you can help! Getting kicked and punched by a child trying keep me from touching his diaper rash really hurts.

Don't laugh when he comes up to you the first time he meets you, giving you a hug and telling you he loves you. Don't allow him to touch you inappropriately. He does crave physical contact and it is cute, for now, but we're trying to teach him how to greet people he is just meeting properly. What's cute now may be a little scary when he is ten.

Don't tell me just to relax when we visit your house and I begin to shadow my son. I've personally seen him reprogram phones and remotes, order things off the internet, break pieces of electronics in his enthusiasm to push all the buttons at once. He needs me, for now, to help him remember what is off-limits.

My son has Asperger's. Don't offer me sympathy when I tell you this. It is only one aspect of his personality. Acknowledge his incredible reading ability, marvel at his musical performances, smile at his friendliness.

My son has Asperger's. And he is amazing.

Kickin' Back

I'm sitting in my new favorite coffee place (Burlap and Bean - fabulous chai tea latte and FREE internet) chilling out and enjoying my tea. I'm kinda blowing off work today (except for my writing camp this afternoon). I have finished planning my preschool Shabbat program, am 97% finished my plans for Religious School for the year, have planned out all the units and centers for Hebrew School (I'm rewriting the curriculum), and have planned out all the themes for preschool. I'm feeling pretty good!

Today as soon as I get home from camp, my sister and my oldest friend are going away for my first girls' weekend. I'm so psyched! I've gone away for various scrapbooking weekends before, which are sooo great, but the focus of those weekends is scrapbooking (and talking). This weekend will be just for chilling out and catching up. I'll report back later!

Kiddy Funnies

B: Can I have some of that cheese?
Mommy: Sure!
B: Is it cheddar?
M: Mmm...no, I think it's American. Cheddar would have a sharper taste.
B: Oh, I don't want that! It would cut my tongue!!!


Mommy: What did you do at camp today?
A: I don't know.
Mommy: Well, can you try to see it in your head?
J: He can't do that - he has too much hair!
B: And he can't open up his head to look inside!

Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

I hate shopping.

I mean, I'll go grocery shopping every week or so. I love a good deal and know how to hunt for the best unit price like the best of them.

But don't make me buy clothes for myself.

Don't get me wrong - I like WEARING new clothes. I just hate trying stuff on. And picking stuff out. And spending money on myself. And figuring out what my size is.

Now that my size has increased, most of my clothes don't fit anymore. I have given them away. I don't really own too much that looks decent. I've been wearing mostly t-shirts and jeans or shorts, and I know I pretty much look like a slob. I don't like it, but I really haven't had anything else that fit. And now that I'm going to be teaching six days a week, I NEED some professional clothing.

I have the best husband in the world. Knowing how much I hate clothes shopping, DH went with me to Kohl's after we dropped the kids off at camp on Friday. He stayed with me the whole time while we selected tops for me. Even when I started feeling claustrophobic and began pulling at my shirt collar, he made me laugh and stay focused and helped me keep going. When it was time to try them all on DH stayed right outside the dressing room to give me his honest opinion on each and every shirt. He even opened a Kohl's charge card in his name so we could get 15% off of all of the purchases. I came home with eight tops!

Next step . . . bras.

Asperger's

A has Asperger's.
I saw a t-shirt once that stated: If you've seen one kid with Autism, you've seen one kid with Autism. How true. There's a reason Autism is now called a Spectrum Disorder - everyone is different!

But A still is considered Autistic.
For him that means lots of different things.

It means we can no longer go to the library without having to physically restrain him with a great big hug from behind at least four times to get him to not touch the computers. And that's when no child is already playing on one. If someone starts playing on the computer, he needs a lot more help than that.

It means that an adult has to physically follow him every step of the way when we go to someone else's house to make sure he doesn't reprogram their cell phone or remote control (don't laugh - he's done it before).

It means we have had to lock up our computer to keep him from ordering things off the internet.
It means we have to watch him carefully when he is allowed to play on the computer to make sure he doesn't navigate into inappropriate websites accidentally because he just enters words that he knows into the address bar and sees where they take him.

It means that I just had to pry the phone out of his hand because he wanted to call Kelly (our babysitter) "just for four minutes!"

It means that his temper goes from zero to one hundred in .26 seconds, and saying the wrong word sets him off, but we never know what the wrong word will be for any particular situation.

It means that his hands will cover his ears and his body will freeze up in terror unexpectedly and you always need to be on the lookout to see if and where he has frozen.

It means that due to sensory issues he has FINALLY only recently learned to use the potty, but if he gets involved in something else he loves, he could create a large puddle all around himself without even noticing.

It means if he could he would spin on a merry-go-round or tire swing non-stop instead of interacting with other kids.

It means that he has something in his mouth (or nose) at least 75% of the day.

It means that a change in his routine will cause a melt down.

It means that by late afternoon he has usually held it together as much as he can and goes into his own little world.

It means that anything visually stimulating (flashing lights, repetitive movement, mirrors) will attract him until he is physically removed from the situation.

It means he rarely sustains eye contact.

It means that he'll go up to total strangers to give them a hug and tell them he loves them.

It means that he does not understand or appreciate sarcasm or most humor on his own, but will laugh loudly if anyone else laughs.

It means that he misses all subtle cues.

It means that he can get up and dance as if no one is watching, even if all the kids around him stop what they're doing to gape at him.

It means that he flaps his hands or fingers when nervous or excited.

It means that he craves hugs and physical close contact.

It means that he will attempt to enter any conversation by hearing one word and commenting on it, even if it has nothing to do with the actual conversation.

It means that he learned how to read at a very early age.

It means that he is one of the most cuddly, social, precocious kids I know.

A has Asperger's. It does not define him, but it is an aspect of who he is. We have been working since he was diagnosed last year on helping him learn to live with this. He is very high-functioning, so much so that people will often point out how their own children do one or two of the things that A does, downplaying A's symptoms as if to imply that maybe A is actually just fine and all those doctors just labled him for no reason. That gets frustrating, but I think people mean well and are just trying to point out that he seems "normal", whatever that means.

A has Asperger's. This fact has connected us to so many other families learning to live with various conditions, syndromes, and disabilities. We didn't set out to be part of this world, but being part of us helps us realize how lucky we really are.

Update

J no longer contagious. We sent her back to camp on Friday after getting confirmation Thursday night from the doctor.

My mom does not have Shingles. Turns out it was a really really badly pinched nerve. Still bad, but no guilt involved.

DH had a 24 hour stomach bug and fully recovered by the next day.

And my kids are hillarious:

Driving home from camp yesterday, trying to figure out what they did all morning

Mommy: So, what did you do at camp today?
J: I don't know.
B: I don't know.
A: I don't know.
Mommy: (wanting to bang her head on the steering wheel) Well, did you swim?
B: Of course!
Mommy: What did you do AFTER swimming?
B: Change our clothes.
Mommy: (gritting her teeth) A what did you do after changing your clothes?
A: Hmmm....I can't see it in my head.
B: Of course not - you have too much hair on your head!

ARGH!!!

J still has the chicken pox.

DH woke up today with the stomach bug.

I have camp that I have to leave for (they have no subs) in fifteen minutes.

My mom probably has shingles (the adult form of chicken pox). My dad has a compromised immune system.

My sister has a 17-month old at home and can't chance her getting sick. She will, however, pick up the boys from camp and keep them this afternoon.

My neighbor's kids just got the vaccine on Monday and were told not to be around J for a whole week.

My MIL leaves on a trip tomorrow and must finish errands and cleaning today.

I feel so bad for DH. And J.

I hope he doesn't need to throw up again, but he has already done it a few times this morning while I was leading storytime at the library. I know that's rough for him, but probably scary for J to hear.

Cross your fingers. I'm off to make her lunch and go to camp.

Out, Damn Spots!

J must have such cabin fever. I know I do!

J's chicken pox are still contagious since they haven't all scabbed over yet. The poor thing feels okay most of the time, just gets tired a little more often than usual. We can't go anywhere with her, so we've been splitting up time with the kids, usually DH taking the boys out and J and I staying home. DH stayed home with her Friday night while I got together with everyone for Shabbat dinner. It was so sad: we explained to her that she was sick and so she couldn't get together with the rest of the family because she might make them sick. She was hysterical, sobbing, "No, I won't! I won't make them sick!"

Tonight she fell asleep around five on the couch and I carried her upstairs around 6:30. She stayed asleep and is still out right now. Hopefully she stays knocked out all night!

Tomorrow I start working at a Writing and Literature project camp. I really enjoy these two week sessions. It's purely reading and writing enrichment, and I have done it so many times that I only have to revise my plans a little each year. I'll have to leave around 11:30 tomorrow, so I'll really only have a couple hours to work on my planning with the boys at camp, and J will of course still be home here, but hopefully I can get something accomplished.

Questions

Where have I been for the last few weeks? (Still here!)

Why have I not been posting?

Why did I wait until the last minute to begin labeling the 1000 necklaces I bought as a way to advertise my business?

How did DH and I manage to label 700 necklaces with my business info the night before our July 4th parade? We gave up once we hit 1 AM.

How did my sister and I manage to run out of necklaces half way through the parade?

When will the calls/e-mails start pouring in with people dying to hire me for their kid's birthday party?

Why didn't I think of bringing my twenty billion or so business cards with me so we would have something to pass out to everyone who didn't get a necklace and expressed interest in the business during the second half of the parade?

Why did I think it would be a good idea to allow the kids to walk on my back tonight? It was going great until A decided to jump off the couch onto me. OUCH!

Why didn't I think twice about the red dot I found on J's stomach yesterday? It bloomed into twenty spots by this morning, forty by this evening. At least she received the chicken pox vaccine already (as did the boys) so will not get a full-blown case.

Why am I soooo tired every day? I now have an appointment next month with a sleep apnea specialist. We'll see .....

How did the house get so wrecked so quickly this week?

Why did I think the Jewish Flylady yahoo group that I found would be something I could relate to? Looking through the archives tells me this group is really for very observant Orthodox women.

Why can't my kids play as nicely as they are right now all the time? I should have brought them up to bed an hour ago, but they're sitting on the floor all sharing a new coloring book J received as a party favor recently. So sweet!

Why didn't I realize how relaxing life could be when the kids are at camp from 9-2? I have been getting so much accomplished!

How long will it take to get these kids ready for bed tonight? I think I'm going to bed as soon as I put them down, so I better finish cleaning up from dinner before we go upstairs.

How much will I be able to accomplish tomorrow with J home all day, feeling fine but too contagious to take anywhere? Since DH is home for the summer as well, maybe we'll just split the morning with me driving the boys to camp and then going to Borders or Starbucks to work on my Hebrew School plans for the year (my goal is to have that finished by the end of the day tomorrow) until around 11 or so and then DH could go out from about 11:30 until he needs to pick them up. That sounds fair. Of course, we were just talking about how we needed to take advantage of this "grown-up" time we had in the mornings, even if we had work to do, by hanging out together. I was really looking forward to working together out of the house, away from distractions, today and tomorrow. Guess G-d had other plans!

Oops!

I began the arduous process of sorting through J's clothes to weed out the 2T and bring out the 3T. I finished pulling out all her adorable 2T clothing that she will not wear again, folded them neatly and carefully placed them in a bag to pass on to my sister. I then opened the boxes labeled 3T girls, almost giddy with anticipation at what her new set of hand-me-down clothing will look like, only to discover that I had MISlabeled them oh so long ago - they were atually all 2T!!!

Any chance any of you have any 3T girl's clothing lying about, ready to be passed on?!!

Highlights at Home

Haven't really been updating much recently, and I know you faithful readers are just dying to know what's been going on. I've heard from a few of you that you've been trying to leave comments and blogger hasn't been cooperating. Could you please e-mail me if that has happened to you? I'm trying to figure out how widespread a problem this is. Thanks!

Anyway, just got back from the first storytime that I led. So much fun! The children's librarian at my local library had called me a few weeks ago to see if I would be willing to lead an infant/toddler storytime this summer for eight weeks. Uh, YEAH!!! I know I'm weird, but this is my idea of fun! And it was - I had a great time. Today is my day to myself (love having DH home for the summer) so I had a bunch of errands to run after the library. Only problem was that DH accidentally took BOTH sets of keys this morning when he left to take all three kids to the zoo. I know, how angry can I get at a man willing to take three children under the age of six to the zoo by himself? But still! Luckily the library is close enough that I could walk, and since I slept in later than I had wanted and missed taking my morning walk, it all worked out as it should. But that didn't stop me from thinking of multiple ways I can seek my revenge after I ransacked my house looking for the keys that I KNEW I had put in the basket where they belonged last night and was now hurridly walking to the library so I wouldn't be late to my first storytime ever when DH called to apologetically tell me that he had both sets of keys. Did you follow that sentence? I'm not sure I did, but I don't feel like going back to revise it. Moving on.

Had A's IEP meeting for kindergarten and was pleasantly surprised. They will provide him with a 1 on 1 aide (YES!) to help him with transitions and social cues and focusing, and lots of other stuff, plus OT, PT, social skills instruction will all be given during the school day so I won't have to drive him anywhere in the afternoon. Since I'm not concerned with his academics at this point, I have no problem with him being pulled for about 20% of the week for help with these other areas. It might be a problem later down the line, but I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time.

Camp starts Monday (YES!) and while we had some concern about a screw-up, A will have a full-time shadow while at camp. All three kids will be going and I think they're going to love it, though I have some concern about J since she was still having a problem in June with me dropping her off in the morning at school. She was fine within minutes, but that initial drop off was tough. Maybe it will be easier since the counselors pick up the kids from the car, and she'll be getting out with her brothers. There is a BBQ tonight at the camp so the kids can see what it looks like and meet their counselors and the other kids. Hopefully it goes smoothly since DH has to work and I'll be flying solo.

I have lots more that I could write about but have a lot I want to try to do at home since I have the house to myself for the time being. Loyal readers, I'll try to get back in the habit of writing every day. It's better for me, and for all of you living vicariously through me.

Kid song

Does anyone else remember learning this song in school? I'm looking for the second verse.

Batteries Not Included

I saw a talking dolly
On my tv screen
She danced around in her pretty clothes
Like you have never seen

I asked my mom to order one
What came was just absurd
She lay on her back in a bathing suit
And never said a doggone word

Batteries not included
Accessories sold separately
Somehow things don't look the same
As they show you on tv.

I think the next verse has to do with an army truck for the brother but I can't remember. Anyone know this song?

Lots and lots of goals

After reading this post on The Domestic Goddess' blog I decided to create some goals for myself as well, beyond the goals I wrote about in my last post. So here goes:

Business Goals
1) Four parties and/or shows per month (preferably two parties on two Saturdays a month)
2) Pay back original investment from our checking account
3) Devote at least 30 minutes a day to business (during the kids' "quiet time")
4) Return all phone calls/e-mails within 24 hours (I hate using the phone, but I have to get over it - I've already lost some parties because of this!)
5) Confirm party details one week before each party/show (Parents just like to hear from me to make sure I'm still coming or they start to panic.)
6) Send thank you letters/referral info to the parents after each party

Household Goals
1) Establish routines and complete them EACH DAY
2) Do some of my WHB each day (10 minutes each)
3) Have clean up time with kids before quiet time and before bedtime. (They need to learn how to pick up after themselves and it would save the house from being trashed by the end of the day.)

Volunteer Goals - I now am doing the newsletters for both of my mom's groups (MOMS Club and Mothers and More).
1) Create deadlines for both clubs and for myself so everyone submits info for both newsletters in a timely manner
2) Do a little bit each week on both newsletters

Personal Goals
1) Go upstairs by 9, in bed by 9:30, asleep by 10 (clearly I need this spelled out for me)
2) Get up by 7 (9 hours might seem like a lot, but I definitely need at least 8, so aiming for 9 seems like a good idea for me. I would love to see how I do with a good night's sleep all summer.) 3) Finish before bed routine while the kids are still awake. Once they're in bed, it's too easy or me to just crash on the couch. This way I can get them to help me (in theory).
4) Complete a basic skin care routine twice a day. (I'm getting older - I need to take care of my face!)
5) Exercise every day (All year I've complained that I would love to go walking in the morning before the kids are up but can't because DH leaves for work so early. His Mother's Day gift to me is that he will get up with the kids every single day during the summer - isn't he the best?!! - so I have no excuse not to do this.)
6) Use SparkPeople to keep track of food intake

Okay, so I'm starting these goals tomorrow. Anyone else up for setting some goals for themselves?

Summer Goals

Today was the last day of preschool for the kids. The summer has officially begun. I have to admit that I was one of those corny moms who actually cried watching the Rabbi and Cantor bless all the Pre-K kids who are "graduating" while they stood on the bimah under the Chuppah (the special canopy) the names of everyone in the class on a new ribbon hanging from it. So sweet.

Anyway, now I'm thinking about summer and our plans. We are sending all three kids to a local JCC (Jewish Community Center) from 9-1 five mornings a week for the whole summer beginning June 25. DH will be home for the summer as well since he is a teacher. I will be teaching at a writing camp (PA Writing and Literature Writing Project Camp) for the afternoons in July, but DH and I will have lots of time every morning this summer to do lots of stuff together. I am SO looking forward to this time!!!

Now that I have my upcoming teaching job at the kids' preschool beginning in September, I'm trying to decide if I can continue the other teaching jobs as well (Religious School for Kindergarten on Sundays, Hebrew School, and our Preschool Shabbat Program for parents and kids). It sounds like a lot, but it really only comes to 25.5 hours a week. I'm trying to figure out if I can do it all (since I REALLY LOVE doing them all) and not get overwhelmed, plus continue marketing, planning, and doing my new business.

Here's my idea: if I can use some, even half of my time this summer planning out my school years, I can do it. It's the planning that gets me, the prep work, but not the teaching.

Now some of you reading this might be thinking why would I want to spend so much of my free time WITHOUT kids planning my school year. Before DH and I had kids, when we were both teaching full-time, we used to spend our Saturday mornings hanging out at Borders doing our school work. I know, we're dorks. But at least we got out of the house, spent time together, and got our work done. This summer, DH is in charge or rewriting his district's 12-3 English curriculum (for the seniors who are not on the college track, that are struggling). He has some exciting ideas, but will need a lot of time to plan it out and do all the reading of young adult literature he needs to do to prepare. I can picture the two of us hanging out at different coffee shops/book stores, doing our planning and hanging out. I'm getting excited just thinking about it!! And if I'm able to plan out all the units that I plan on teaching in preschool, Hebrew school, religious school, AND plan out all projects for the Shabbat program, I will feel so great and ahead of the game.

I'm hoping we can do some house projects this summer, some really fun ones like cleaning out the basement and the attic. But I'll think more about that later, after I get a chance to go over my ideas above with DH. For now, I have to watch my imaginative children act out their version of Fetch with Ruff Ruffman.

Kicking Depression in the Butt

I fought back yesterday and ultimately did fairly well.

My calorie goal each day is between 1200-1500; I stayed below 1300.

I took the kids out for a "scavenger hunt" around a few blocks. They ran to the next object (a sign with four letters, a baseketball hoop, etc.) and I jogged to keep up. Nice exercise!

J actually did a good job helping me tackle each room for ten minutes. Upstairs she picked up all clothes on the floor, downstairs she put away each toy I put on the coffee table. It kept me motivated and I was able to clean up a lot.

I set up my financial stuff on the laptop so I'll be able to balance the checkbook dowstairs with the kids, even outside if we want.

I got a call from my local library asking me to do the baby/toddler story time this summer, eight weeks, 30 minutes a session, paid, of course. Love that they thought of me!

I met with a friend from the MOMS Club to learn how to do the newsletter since I'll be taking that over in July (don't yell at me, Kathy!). We worked together to come up with deadlines for everyone involved so it won't come down to a last minute rush trying to pull everything together. Plus I have the two newsletters that I do on alternating weeks, so I won't ever have to pull them both together at the same time. I really enjoy creating the newsletters, and since I have everything on the laptop, I can work on it around the kids without a problem.

I'm about to do my Weekly Home Blessing; since I cleaned up the floors/trash yesterday with J, I should be able to stick to 10 minutes per task. And I just made plans to meet tonight with a friend from the community theater that I have worked at a lot to get Annie costumes for the party I'm doing this Saturday.

I was very productive yesterday, and for me productivity keeps the depression at bay. Gotta keep moving so I can be equally productive today.

I Keep Fighting

Depression is just kicking my butt.

It's such a Catch-22: I don't do well with time on my hands. I find I typically don't get done what I had planned to get done, instead escaping in a book or sleeping. It's really hard to get the energy to fight through the veil that depression pulls me down with, even harder when I'm by myself. So I keep myself busy. And in doing that, I end up getting overwhelmed by the stuff around the house that I don't get to and all tha I have to do. I can't seem to find a happy medium.

And so. I have written a very detailed to do list for today (at my new favorite site: www.tadalists.com) and will keep the computer open to my list. I really need to push myself today because I once again did not go to bed when I should have and am extra tired today. I think if I allowed myself I could go back to bed and sleep all day. Real productive, right? The state of the house is driving me crazy, so I know I'll feel so much better if I tackle it.

I just want to get to the point where I'm NOT playing constant catch-up. How do I get ahead? I know my Flylady friends would say "babysteps" but I want instant results.

I checked out another website yesterday called Messies Anonymous and they suggested if the house was REALLY bad (which mine is not) you should buy six white cardboard storage boxes and go through each room picking up everything and putting it in one of the boxes (marked Papers, etc.). At least then everything would be out of sight. Then you can tackle one box at a time. I've tried variations of this, but don't usually end up getting to the box or basket for a long, long time so I end up with baskets of clutter just sitting around for weeks and weeks. But what if I could do this and actually tackle them in a timely manner? Heck, what if I could do this once and then not need to do it again?!

Alright enough complaining. Boy, you guys who do read my bog regularly must be so sick of hearing about it: I'm depressed, blah, blah, blah, I can't get my butt in gear, blah, blah, blah, I don't have my eating under control, blah, blah, blah, my house is a mess, blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of thinking it - you must be sick of reading it. It would be so much easier to just say forget about it all and just escape in some way (reading, sleeping, etc.) but clearly I can't do that.

So here we go, fighting through another day.

Uh-Oh

Words you don't want to hear after the toilet has been flushed three times quickly in succession:

"I put all the wipes in the potty. Sorry."

Live and Learn

Next time I write a contract for a party, I need to spell this out:

I will arrive at your house a few minutes before the party begins. I will be ready to begin at the contracted time and will engage the children for a full hour. If you need me to stay later due to late arrivals, wanting me to stay for pictures, or any other reason, there will be a charge of $25 for each additional fifteen minutes.

Today's party went great, but I agreed to wait an additional five minutes to begin past 3 (my first mistake). I then attempted to do all the activities I bought, even though the younger girls clearly wanted to linger on their tierras (they had already spent about 20+ minutes on it) and the older girls wanted to continue painting their fingernails. Even when 4 had come and gone, I was still pushing them to finish their make-up (the older girls) or selecting their dresses (the younger girls). I had promised they would get to do a fashion show, so I had to allow that to happen. When the party was over, the parents asked me if I would mind waiting for the cake so they could take a picture of all the "princesses" in their dresses with the cake. It didn't seem that time consuming, so even though it was already 4:30, I agreed. Well, the dad had to run to get the ice cream cake from the store across the street still!!! At 4:50 we were finally singing Happy Birthday (three whole verses!), then the girls took the dresses off and I could finally go home. ARGH!!!

Since I didn't have anything about staying past the contracted time in writing, I didn't think it was a good idea for me to push it. I really wanted this family to recommend me to their friends.
But I will definitely make sure I have something in writing for the next contract I write.

And as always, please keep me in mind for your child's birthday party (www.missrachel.net)!

So very tired

My weight is going in the wrong direction. Have to stop this emotional eating. I start the day with the best of intentions and then stop keeping track as the day goes by. That stops today. It has to - I'm sick of this!

I'm just tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to interact with the kids. Just want to sleep. And I can't, of course.

It looks like J's allergies have progressed into a full blown cold. She keeps crying, "I can't breathe!" because her nose is all stuffy. And mine keeps running too so I don't feel like blowing her nose along with mine.

Well, I'm super negative today. I'm drinking my chai tea which will hopefully help me wake up. And I'm going to try to keep busy today, even though all I want to do is sleep.

Life is Full of Questions

Why does the IU need to meet with me in July to write an IEP for A to ensure he receives services over the summer (you know, for the month of August) when the school district and I are meeting in June to write his IEP for the upcoming school year?!!

Why do people leave their telephone number so fast on my machine, making me repeat it several times before I get it, and when I copy it down and then erase the message, why do I find out that I must have copied it wrong and now have NO WAY to contact them?!!

Why did I take so much time to fill out the financial aid form for the camp I want the kids to attend this summer if they were going to lose it and make me fill it out all over again?!!

Why did someone steal my debit card numbers and buy over a fifteen hundred dollars worth of stuff that comes out of my bank account, thus making it impossible to pay our bills this month until we get credited by the bank for the stolen amount?

Why can't I download my financial info onto a CD so I can use it on my laptop?

Why am I still sitting here asking why? I need to fold a load of laundry and sort through two baskets worth of papers before I go pick up the kids at 12.

It's All About the Clothes

And now we're on to Day Seven: Pick out tomorrow's clothes before I go to bed at night. This will definitely be a good habit to get into, making the next day easier. Yesterday I didn't exactly tackle my hotspots the way I intended, but I did get the dining room table and the console table in the living room, and continued cleaning the living room and dining room this morning. Bottom line, they look good. But I'm going to work hard to stay on top of all the hotspots, keeping them cleaned off so they don't become full fires taking over the house.

In other news, I met with A's team at his elementary school for September this morning. Since DH couldn't get off work, my sister went with me as an additional pair of ears. The meeting went extremely well. The report results painted an extremely accurate picture of him, acknowledging all of his needs and strengths, even pointing out any discrepancies between very superior scores in many categories in one area (like speech) and average scores in another category. While average scores would not normally indicate a need for services, the fact that there is such a discrepancy does indicate that, and the speech teacher and psychologist both saw that. So far, so good! His IEP meeting is in June.

Since A is now reading over my shoulder, I am ending this post so the kids can begin "quiet time" and I can return some business related phone calls.

Putting out the fires

Day six: Hot spots. My job today is to spend two minutes on each hot spot around the house. Hot spots in my house include: the dining room table, the console table in the living room, and most of my bedroom. Okay, if I had to narrow it down in my bedroom, it would be the rocking chair that ends up holding everything we can't put somewhere else and the floor on my side of the bed. Two minutes for each, that's doable. The kids are currently playing on their own (not sure how much longer that will keep up) so I better get started. Then I'm off with them to K-Mart (never made it yesterday).

Here goes.

Steps two through five

Okay, Day two of babysteps: Get dressed to lace up shoes. This is one routine that I started doing when I joined FLYlady and it has stuck with me. I used to be a barefoot girl. And I had incredible foot and back pain which got worse as the day went on. When I started the day my first steps were extremely painful. When I started consistently wearing shoes, the pain stopped. I'm a believer!

So moving on to Day Three: Do what we have already done. And read some of the website. Well, I've read the website plenty of times, and I have done what we already have done. My sink is shiny (except for the stuff DH left in it this morning - grrr) and my shoes are on. I'm moving on.

Day Four: Write these things down. This is the start of a control journal. I have one already, written out on my white board. Next...

Day Five: Write down what you hear. This one I can do. Write down those negative voices inside my head and answer them. Okay, here goes:

Why are you bothering with this? Why not just get off your lazy butt and go clean the house?

Because I could clean the house right now, but I don't have the routines in place to keep it clean. I need to build that into my life so it will be my autopilot to follow.

But look at all this crap around the house! It's really not that complicated to just pick it all up!

I know HOW to pick stuff up. But clearly it gets overwhelming. And after keeping three young children alive and relatively happy all day, preferrably better at the end of the day than they were the day before, feeding them, cleaning them, reminding them to go the potty (still dry!!!), following up on phone calls and inquiries about my new business, keeping track of the money coming in and out of our house, trying to exercise, cooking, gardening, I'm just tired by the end of the day and it's easier to just ignore it all. I don't want that anymore.

Well, there you go. I don't want the house to overwhelm me anymore, so I believe FLYlady is the answer.

Now I'm off to K-Mart to pick up costumes for the princess party I'm doing on Saturday. I'm picking up four packs and possibly an instant polaroid camera to take pictures for the Annie party I'll be doing the following week. Then I'm picking up J and taking her to my sister's where we will all travel to Jersey for a cousin's BBQ. DH will stay here with the boys at his parents to have dinner. And that's all I have to say about that.

Babysteps

I'm jumping back on the Flylady bandwagon. Inspired by Mommy Brain, I'm going to start over by using the beginner babysteps. Luckily so many of the steps have already become ingrained habits, so for those, I will just acknowledge and move on to the next step.

Anyone interested in joining me on my journey? Leave a comment to let me know how you're doing. I would love to have friends accompany me along the way. I highly recommend the process. And my house right now is crying out (or is that just me) for me to do something about the chaos. So here's my answer: shine my sink. And clean off the counters in the process.

Miracle of miracles Part Two

Yesterday A started the day with again peeing and pooping in the potty. He stands there waiting very patiently, straining his muscles until finally a couple drops, then a couple more, and then a whole stream comes out. It seems to take him a lot to get it started, but he clearly has made the mind/body connection and is able to make it happen. Finally. Yesterday he was so excited about his accomplishment, he left the bathroom shouting, "Now I get to wear underwear!" I wanted to wait a few days to make sure he stayed dry longer, but he was so excited I decided to just go with it.

I prepped him on what to do if he felt like he had to go, told him that it's okay if he makes a mistake and has an accident, and brought him to school with a full change of clothes wearing Thomas the Tank Engine underwear.

He was still wearing the same dry pair of underwear when I picked him up at school. He had peed in the potty at school about five times (in three hours).

At night when we were getting ready for bed, he took off the same dry pair of underwear he had started the day wearing.

I had suggested a few times that he go to the potty, but most of the trips to the potty were his idea. All day long.

Could it really be this "easy"?

My heart aches

Yesterday a letter went out to my congregation stating that our rabbi's contract will not be renewed next year. The Board of the Temple had been working with the rabbi for months and very intensively for the last week behind closed doors, and ultimately the decision was made. There are many reasons why this happened, and it did not happen over night. The rabbi will still be our spiritual leader for the next year, and the elected Board, representative of the congregation, people who stepped up when asked to help lead the congregation, participated in a long, drawn out, excruciating process, and made the decision that the details surrounding the reasons for the contract to not be renewed be kept confidential.

I just returned home from the annual congregational meeting. While the president of the congregation tried to keep to the agenda, so many of the people attending the meeting wouldn't allow that to happen. The yelling and anger that I saw in our sanctuary, in the place that we pray, our holy place, made me cry.

I personally stayed a member of my synagogue in spite of the current rabbi, not because of him. I contemplated leaving many times, but ultimately decided to stay because I have been a member my entire life. I have so many connections to the synagogue, feel such a connection to so many people within the congregation, how could I leave? I stayed in spite of, not because. But I stayed.

My heart aches.

The anger. The power plays I witnessed tonight, the threats to leave. The knowledge that so many of the people there tonight were riled up because they spoke to the rabbi and received one-sided information that I truly believe was inaccurate. I believe that our spiritual leader purposefully called our major financial contributor to get him on "his side" and encouraged him to gather supporters, creating a rift. How can a holy man act like this? I don't know all the details, but personally I am so relieved this decision has been made.

I know this is rambling. My heart truly aches over what I just saw and over the repercusions from the devisive actions that have occured and I'm having a hard time calming down from what I just experienced.

I come to the synagogue to pray, to feel closer to G-d, to be connected with other Jews, to teach, to feel a sense of community, to be with my other family. Just as a child is traumatized when the parents get a fight, I am traumatized to see so many members of my extended family fight.

I don't even have a point or a way to summarize this or even an idea on how to end this. I am feeling so unsettled and so upset I just need to end it. I'll write more tomorrow.

Check this out!!!

www.tadalist.com

I can now easily have multiple to do lists and keep tack of them all on the computer. So easy to use and, oh yeah, did I forget to mention, it's free!

J's tired

Last night J was so tired she began crying as we were getting ready for bed.

I comforted her, and told her that she was crying because she was just so tired.

"That doesn't make any sense!" J wailed.

Everyone's a critic.

Miracle of miracles

A peed in the potty this morning! Now he is laughing and smiling beside me because he read the first sentence (and what I'm currently writing). And now he is screaming and crying because I can't find where Daddy last put his Gameboy, A's prize for when he does anything in the potty. And now he's laughing through his tears because I just found it. Wow, fast mood swings!

A has been trying to pee (his own idea) the last few mornings. He'll stand at the potty and push using all the right muscles. He will usually end up sitting on his special potty seat (has handles and step up to rest his feet on). Today he actually was able to get a very short stream (the pee lasted for about a second, maybe less) but it was actual pee and he was so proud.

So was Mommy.

A B Funny

The boys' teacher pulled me aside Friday to tell me my son's latest ego-centric conversation (my words, not hers):

The teacher was talking to another parent, telling her that, "the good news is (her son) did not use his hands but instead used his words."

B approached her very excitedly and asked, "But did you tell her the REALLY good news?"

"No, B," his teacher turned to him, "What is the really good news?"

"Our daddy is directing Seussical this summer!"

To B the best thing in the world is that daddy is going to be directing one of his favorite musicals again. It doesn't get much better than that for B, and he just had to share this amazing news with everyone.

A Three-Year-Old's Body Image

Last night J broke my heart.

I had taken her out of the bathtub and she was wrapped up in a towel on my lap, looking down as I brushed her hair. "Mommy, why my belly like a baby?"

"What do you mean?" I really had no idea what her question meant or where it came from.

J was poking her belly as she replied, "When will it go in?"

I really couldn't figure out what she was talking about. The questions seemed to come out of nowhere. Trying to get more information out her, I asked, "Can you show me what you mean?"

At that she sucked her belly in and asked again, "When will it be flat and not stick out like a baby?"

My three-year-old daughter is expressing disatisfaction with her body. How is that possible? Where do those thoughts come from? I was anorexic for about five years growing up - I'm hyper-aware of the different things that a mom can do that might trigger unhealthy thoughts in their daughters. She doesn't watch commercial tv - I don't think she's really seen that many images of models or teen actresses. I don't talk about losing weight; I talk about trying to eat healthy. I NEVER express disatisfaction with my own body in front of her. And somehow she still picked up that her body is still round with a little baby fat.

As shocked as I was when I finally realized what J was asking, I knew I had to respond. I wrapped the towel more tightly around her in a hug and whispered, "But J, your body is perfect just the way it is. Your body is the perfect J body. When you get older it will change some, but right now it is exactly the way it is supposed to be. You're beautful."

Within minutes of our deep, heartfelt conversation my J was streaking through the upstairs, clearly not concerned about her "baby belly" while running naked through the boys' room.

I will do everything I can to keep her feeling that carefree about her body.

Sweating at Home

I found a FABULOUS website (well, my fabulous neighbor sent me the site, but still) that I'm really excited about it. It's called www.sparkpeople.com and it has a food tracker and a fitness tracker and it tells me exactly how many calories I have eaten and how many I burned. It even inspired me to exercise tonight while I watched tv. Woohoo!

And I learned that even if I can't go walking/jogging around the neighborhood like I want to do early in the morning because DH leaves before 6, or in the evening because he doesn't always get home too early, but I can jog in place and still work up a good sweat. I'm thrilled that I have found a relatively easy way to do cardio at home.

Contest

Click below for a new contest:

http://ww1.checkoutsupervalu.com/acm/index.php?Plink=L1179351295126156385

Trying to Keep Moving

Of course I missed the return call from the doctor yesterday, so I'll need to call her back today. I had the phone next to me for all but forty-five minutes yesterday while home, even brought it outside, so it's just my luck that I missed the call. Hopefully I will be able to talk to her today and work out the appropriate dosage for my meds. I have no qualms admitting that I need some chemical help. Major clinical depression is a condition that runs in my family. It has to do with an imbalance in my brain that the medication can make right. I have a hard time understanding why some people are so resistant to either admitting there is a problem and/or accepting medical help for this medical condition. Do they think that because it's in your brain that it's all in your head?!!

I held it together yesterday until DH got home. Then I let him take over with the kids and I went upstairs to lay on the bed. It was not so great - I didn't even want a book or to tun the tv on, just wanted to stare off into space. It took so much energy keeping a smile on my face for the kids all day that I had none left for myself.

But today is a new day and I'm going to do my best to keep moving, which I've found helps a lot with the depression. The boys have their kindergarten orientation this morning, which is very exciting, so we drop J off at preschool and then head over to their elementary school. After that is over and I bring them back to preschool I plan to hang out at my favorite Starbucks sipping a chai tea latte while I sort through the pile of papers I have in my "in basket" upstairs.

Okay, A is now hanging on my shoulder reading what I write, J is begging for grapes, B is hiding upstairs, and we need to leave in five minutes! Just enough time to have everyone brush their teeth, clean up their breakfast dishes, allow me to brush their hair, and run out the door. Here we go!

Down in the dumps still

I'm down.

Just can't get over this funk.

I walked with my sister this morning. Exercise is supposed to help increase endorphins, make you feel good. And it did at the time.

But by the time I got home I felt ready to cry. No particular reason. The house is messy, but it's been worse. Maybe that will help.

But after trying to get over this on my own for a while, I'm going to talk to the doctor about upping my dosage on my anti-depresion medication.

I've Been Tagged!

Thank you, Nancy, for tagging me!

Here Are The Rules
1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Eight Random Things About ME

1) I am quite good at tuning out my children when I need to (like right now) and continuing an adult conversation with another mom even through ten different interruptions.

2) I love reading good romantic suspense novels.

3) I ABSOLUTELY love the book 1, 2, 3, Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. It saved my sanity and the life of one of my children.

4) I have a pirate ship in the backyard.

5) I used to sing professionally at weddings but haven't done that in a few years.

6) Even though my daughter was incredulous that I knew how to teach, I was a public-school elementary teacher in my former (pre-kid) life.

7) I used to pretend my bike was a horse and would ride it all over the yard (give me a break, I was ten).

8) I spend WAY too much time on the computer (oh, wait, that would be true for most of us, wouldn't it).

And let's see, now I have to tag eight people. I'm not on my desktop computer right now which has all my favorite blogs on it, so let's see if I can think of eight blogs I like to read that have NOT already been tagged. I tag:

The Adventures of Dino Boy
I'm an Organizing Junkie!
Life in the Hundred-Acre Wood
Looky, Daddy!
Mama's Ramblings
Random Musings of a Crazed Momma
Rocks in my Dryer
Your God Loves Me Too

Singing in the Choir (Just singing in the choir....)

Yesterday the cantor at the synagogue asked me to sing a solo at services because her voice was not 100% due to allergies (see, they're kicking everyone's butt). Very flattering. I had joined our all-volunteer choir when I was twelve and only recently had to drop out due to time constraints. DH's rehearsals are now at night (which is when choir rehearsal is), which just makes it extremely challenging to make it.

In any case, it was so nice to sing in a choir again! It feels like it's been so long since I've done any "real" singing, something besides singing the kids lullabies and changing the words to amuse myself. Most times if I try to sing in the car the kids oh so politely ask me to stop. I have to remind myself that people used to pay me to sing for them. It's a little bit of a kick to my ego to have my children beg me NOT to sing.

It was fabulous to hear compliments about my voice again. I'm an incredible perfectionist but even I could tell that my range has grown and my voice has gotten more resonant. I had always heard that women's voices do not fully develop until their mid-thirties. I'm a believer now! I was even able to easily hit the high g at the end of one song, something that used to always be a challenge to get a pure sound that high.

One of the ladies that I'm friendly with at the Temple is in the advanced stages of MS. She has been in an electric wheelchair-type chair for a while, but her speech is starting to be more halting and she is clearly starting to lose her memory. When I approached her after services last night, she complimented me, stating that she had never heard me sing before and questioning why I haven't sang solos with the choir before tonight. I've been a soloist in the choir for over twenty years, plus substituting for the cantor any time she can't make it. I know she has heard me sing before. That must be so awful to live with. I just can't imagine forgetting things that I used to know. I have never had a good memory, but to lose memories like that...I hope she doesn't even realize that she once knew it. Maybe that would make it easier.

Allergies are kicking my butt

The kids have their Mother's Day program at school in a little bit, so I just have enough time to check in before I run off to be blown away by their singing. I'm all ready to go, "Aaawwww...."

Okay allergy sufferers, this question is for you: I've been taking OTC generic Claritin. It says non-drowsy. Does it make anyone else drowsy? I've been really good this week getting to bed on time, but I'm still feeling like I could take a nap at any time. I'm tired!

I drove over to our local Produce Junction (my normal weekly Friday trip) and could not even find a parking spot. I have veggies, really just need fruit, but it was so unbelievably crowded that I just gave up and came home. Now I have no fruit, didn't have any time to clean, need to leave home and won't be back until 2 because I'll be in charge of anywhere between three to twenty preschoolers which really zaps my energy, and I have so much to do around the house to make me feel better and not leave me in a funk this afternoon before I leave for my parents' house for Shabbat dinner at 5.

Sorry this post was not more interesting, but I'm tired!

I'm Still Here

Don't worry, my faithful readers, you don't have to remove me from your favorites list (Okay, Kathy?!!), I'm still here! That stomach bug really threw me for a loop, and my computer is annoying the heck out of me, and I had a lot to make up for from being sick for a week, but I'm still here.

To summarize the past week:
* B sang me a "surprise" Mother's Day song (they're performing on Friday a special program for moms but he couldn't wait) which was so cute I couldn't help laughing as he sang and clapping when he was finished. Both B and A looked at me and quite indignantly told me that I was supposed to cry now - that's what their teacher told me all the moms would do.

* Got caught up on paperwork - woohoo!

* Did my first library show - 50 preschoolers from a local daycare whose teachers sat in the back and talked and I had to keep their attention, entertain, AND stop the few in the front from beating the cr*p out of the kids around them. Most of the kids were really, really into it, which was so cute to see, and the librarians and teachers all told me that I did a great job when the show was done. Not bad!

* I have been taking A for all kinds of evals the last couple weeks in preparation for kindergarten. Yesterday was speech, today is PT, last week was with the psychologist, the week before was OT. Time consuming, but he loves it!

* Been able to work in the yard a lot this week while the kids play around me. So nice that they're older now and can play more independently now.

* I've been rewarding myself for going to bed on time with a Starbucks Chai Tea Latte the next day. Two days in a row now! :)

Alright, have to pick them all up now. I'll try to get back in the habit of blogging every day.

I've felt better

Why does the sight of Mommy on the toilet, unable to get up without....making a mess, clutching a bucket as she also throws up over and over again, tell children that it would be a perfect time for all of them to clamor for attention?

I started getting sick a little before six AM. When I was finished, I crawled to the bedroom and called DH to come back home. He had to rearrange his schedule a lot, but he told me he'd be back by 7:30. I was sick again at 7 (that time the kids were awake). At that point I just kept reminding myself that DH would be home soon. I kept lifting my head from the bucket to tell them to stop talking to me or to get dressed, but they were a little freaked out and weren't being such good listeners. DH got home just in time for me to run to the bathroom and get sick again.

I was hoping to be able to just suck it up and have DH drive me to my first library show, perform, and go back home to bed, but by 8:30 it was clear it was not going to happen. Luckily the children's librarian was fine with rescheduling for the next week.

Not to go into too much detail (too late) but bottom line, starting around noon I was able to start keeping small sips of fluid down, but still have not been able to manage any of the foods on the BRAT diet. I had a high fever and such stomach cramping I was totally miserable.

I tried a little toast this morning, but obviously wasn't ready for that yet as I got sick right away. A was sick during the night and again this morning with major diarhea, so he's staying home again with me, but considering how weak I am right now, he better be content to just lie on the couch! My sister is picking up the other two for school so I don't have to drive this morning, but is unable to pick them up after school, so I better feel better by 12!

Okay, let's see if I can finish getting J and B ready for school now. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I'm hungry (but can't eat), and upstairs smells like crap due to A's problems during the night and early morning (have to get enough energy to at least wash all that stuff). Here goes!

What do I want?

What do I want out of my home life?
I want to have joy and laughter.
I want the kids to be happy, to be able to play independently and cooperatively.
I want DH and I to have peace when we walk into the house, to not feel stressed from the clutter and mess.
I want to be on top of all the paperwork that flies into my house each day, to not miss any more deadlines ever again.

What do I want out of my professional life?
I want to teach preschool, at least for now. When the kids are all through elementary school, or maybe sooner, I can envision teaching in public school again, hopefully kindergarten. But for now, teaching preschool part-time during the exact hours the kids are in school would be great. I would be able to help out with our financial difficulties - maybe we could even afford to take a vacation! Plus I LOVE teaching. Everytime I leave any classroom in which I have just spent time teaching I just feel like walking on air. I feel so great working with kids. I love figuring out how their minds work, and exposing them to new ideas and new activities. Can't wait until I find out for sure if I have the job or not.
I want my business to take off. I want to have about three to four parties a week. I want to have clients enjoy my service so much that they pass my name around to friends and that I actually have to tell people that I'm not available for the first date they ask about. I want to gain a reputation for entertaining kids so much that when someone (other than just people who know me) hears that I'm performing somewhere they make a point of bringing their kids to see me.

Can you tell that we had a life coach come to our last Mothers and More meeting last night? I'm working on getting my image of my ideal life written down so I can figure out the steps I need to take acheive it.

So what about you? How would you answer those questions? What do you want your home life and your professional life to be like? Write a post about it and link it back here! If you don't have your own blog, take some time and write your thoughts in the comments section. I'd love to know what you lurkers are thinking too!

Random Bits of Tiredness

I handed in my resume on Monday and the director gave a big sigh of relief and started telling me all the thoughts she had about how I could handle the logistics of getting all three kids to school and picked up - she had a couple ways all planned out for me. That sounds promising! I can't wait until I know for sure. I don't do too well with waiting in limbo.

Monday night both A and J were coughing. A lot. A was coughing more, but it was keeping J awake and she was complaining about everything else: she was thirsty, she was hungry, she wanted to be tucked in again, she didn't want the cover on her, etc. A kept crying hysterically, and then J, while B on his top bunk had his pillow over his head to try to tune it all out. We finally got A settled but J kept going. After multiple threats, we finally had to move her into her room for the night. She was NOT happy. She had not slept on her own for many months, so we ultimately needed to do a gradual journey out of her room: first I sat in the rocking chair, then the floor near her crib, then by the door, then outside her door, each time I moved she looked up accusingly until I reassured her that I was right here, it's okay, go back to bed. This kept up until TWO in the morning, SEVEN hours past her regular bedtime!!! And yet she still woke up at 6:30 ready to go.

Last night I had a drink of iced tea without really thinking about caffiene and could not fall asleep. At all. Two nights in a row with very little sleep? I'm tired. And DH needs me to figure out a way to go to his brush up rehearsal tonight for the middle school show he has been directing. ARGH! I'm tired!!!

Alright, better see if I can find a babysitter for tonight before I go pick the kids up.

Random Bits of Craziness

I finally connected the desire to go to sleep all day if I could, wanting to go back to bed the moment that I get up, craving just lying down and pulling the covers over my head, with the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control. Yep, I think it's time to up my depression meds. Or something.

I'm depressed. DH started giving me a hard time on Saturday about how stressful it is for him to come home to a messy house. Totally get that feeling - it's stressful for me too! When I explained to him the fact that I have been unable to get off my butt for most of this week except when I had a planned activity due to a flare up of my depression, he backed off immediately. And I did what I usually do to get back on track: I worked on organizing my upcoming week so that I won't feel so out of control. I made a meal plan spreadsheet for me to check off as I go as a way for me not to lose control with my eating. This should help with my weight loss. I finished my resume to hand in today (cross your fingers) to the kids' preschool, where the upcoming job opening is no longer confidential and I am HOPING I will be at the top of the list to get the job. And I sent out an e-mail to all people in my Mothers and More chapter to let them know that newsletter submissions HAVE to be handed in by today at noon so I can put the newsletter together by tonight. I should have sent out that e-mail last week, but kind of got lost in the whole out of control thing.

I had another library realize that they could not live without me providing entertainment for the kids that attend there. So now I'm up to four libraries that I will be performing at this summer, begining next Tuesday. Guess I better finish putting the show together!

I was able to meet with an old theater friend of mine yesterday at a fun fair that Mothers and More had a booth at. She has agreed to be my costume source for any and all parties (woohoo!) which is fabulous since I had a request for an Annie party and want to provide orphan dresses to all the girls and an Annie dress to the birthday girl so they can do a couple of songs from the show. My last communication from the mom was to check on a specific date, so it looks like 95% sure that she will be booking me.

My desktop computer is driving me crazy! Last night I used the laptop to check my work e-mail - totally necessary since this computer literally kicks me off at least a few times a session when I go to check my work e-mail. I know the computer is messed up, and I would like to bring it in to get it checked out. Maybe it won't cost too much to get fixed. DH is pushing to just get a new computer. That seems wasteful to me, but maybe cheaper in the long run. Maybe we would just get another laptop and leave it in the armoire.

Have to run - the kids just informed me that A has gotten the honey. Fun, fun, fun.

I Look Like WHAT?!!

Just saw some recent photographs of myself.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I'm able to turn my head this way or that way to avoid seeing what I don't want to see. If I see the hint of a double chin I lift up my head a little. If my face appears too full I adjust my hair to attempt to make it look slimmer.

But photos don't lie.

I'm really sick of my appearance. I don't want to be overweight. I don't feel good about myself, my clothes don't look good on me. I'm tired of the tire around my middle. I just don't like it. If I lost weight/was in shape I would have more energy. That is HUGE in my life.

And it comes down to willpower. I know there is no magic pill, no huge trick, no big revelation, I know I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, cut out all soda (can't stand the taste of diet and I've gotten into order a coke from McDonald's every time I need a caffine burst), avoid eating after 7:30/8, watch my portion sizes, keeps snacks down to no more than two a day, and get more exercise. I know it's not rocket science! I also know that I'm an emotional eater: I eat when I'm upset, or bored, or tired, or happy. I can make myself feel hungry if I think about it too much, so obviously I can't use that as a guide. I need to eat three healthy meals a day, allow myself two snacks, and drink more water when I feel empty.

And I need to keep a couple photos of myself on the fridge.

My Incredible Sister

Have I mentioned recently what an incredible sister I have? DH has been having MAJOR problems with the middle school show he is directing. When he came home so frustrated on Monday, DS and I offered to help, me going to the rehearsal and DS watching the kids. While I taught Hebrew School, DH brought the kids to DS' house after he gave them dinner. DS took care of giving them baths (my three plus her two), getting them all changed and ready for bed. When her husband came home, she drove my three back to my house and put them to bed.

That would be incredible unto itself, but here's where the REALLY incredible part took place. I have mentioned before that my sister does not really understand the meaning of "down time" - if I ever complain about that again, please remind me of this post! On Tuesday night, she cleaned my kitchen: scrubbed the floor, the stove top, the counters, the sink - it sparkled! On Wednesday, she cleaned the bathroom. The bathroom, people! She scrubbed the sink, the toilet, the tub and shower - it's cleaner than it's been in a long time.

I don't know how she does it, but I'm not at all complaining. I guess some people would have felt embarrassed or insulted. Me, I just felt incredible gratitude. Thank you, DS!!!

Even more tired than before!

I have no question about why I'm tired today.

DH and I were up nearly all night taking turns with not one, not two, but all three kids.

A started it. He developed a cough around 9:30 or so. He kept coughing and crying, coughing and crying, no matter what we tried. This kept up until about 12. DH and I kept taking turns going in and trying to get him to fall asleep. We did everything we could: the vaporizer was on full blast, we propped A up on lots of pillows, his chest was smeared with Vicks Vapor Rub, he had a cup of water that he kept sipping from, he had some cough suppresant pills, I even gave him a little bucket in case he threw up from all that coughing. Around midnight he finally fell asleep. DH and I both dropped into our bed. But only for about fifteen minutes.

J began crying hysterically around 12:15. DH's turn. She couldn't find her pacifier (Yes, she still sleeps with a pacifier. Let's stay focused on the big picture here - she normally sleeps fine!) and clearly didn't feel great so she was very upset. DH searched all over her room and the boys' room for about thirty minutes but couldn't find it. Finally I joined him and found it within two minutes. No comment. J laid down, so did we. Within five minutes J was up and crying again about needing a drink of water. My turn. Two small cups of water later, we were all laying down and quiet.

B's turn: four times in a row, about an hour between each time awake, he began crying because of either a bad dream or because he was calling for his brother and his brother wasn't answering (B is now on the top bunk of their new bunk beds and is still not used to not seeing his brother at night). DH and I took turns responding to him.

J woke again around 4.

A coughed himself awake around 5.

B cried himself awake around 6, at which time I invited him into bed with me (DH had just left for school). He did not fall back asleep, so I while I was able to shut my eyes some more, I kept waking up because he was touching my face (I hate that!) or trying to talk to me.

A slept in until 8, and J slept in until 9:30 (three hours later than she normally does).

It's 10 AM, I'm still in my robe, the kids are downstairs watching a movie, a friend of the family is arriving at 11 so I can go to the Temple and set up for my preschool Shabbat program. She agreed to stay at home with all three kids so they can just rest and not expose everyone at school to their colds.

I have to jump in the shower and dress. I would LOVE to fall back asleep right now, but that's not possible. I was planning to have my incredible sister (see the next post) watch the kids after the preschool program so I could help DH at his rehearsal this afternoon, but I don't think that's happening today. Gotta make it through the day.

So tired

I'm tired.

I don't know why. I was in bed by 10, lights out. The kids woke us up a few times, but only for a little bit each time. I had set my alarm for 6:30, but couldn't get my butt out of bed, even once the kids were awake and in my room. I finally rolled out of bed around 7:30. Maybe starting the day like that, hitting the snooze alarm so many times, is the reason that I am still so tired even now.

I ended up being needed to sub at the kids' school, which was fun, but meant I couldn't get the huge pile of laundry done or finish my resume to apply for the preschool teacher position I want.

At 3:30 I will leave to go back to the Temple to teach Hebrew School.

When I get finished, I will drive the kids over to my sister's with DH so I can go with him to his rehearsal for the show he's currently directing at the Middle School. He is having such a hard time working with these kids! I don't know if it's the age (middle school kids are tough) or if the kids are actually trying to make it hard for him because they miss the teacher who is out on maternity leave. I told him that I would help however I could, so I'm going to rehearsal tonight to try to whip these kids into shape.

And to top it all off, my back hurts so bad. I know it's muscular because I can pinpoint the exact spots where it hurts. I have to get in to see the chiropractor immediately! I know he will make it better; just have to make the time for it.

But, bottom line, I'm tired. REALLY tired. I have to continue to get to bed before 10. It's sad that by 2 today I was counting the hours until I could go to bed. I'm hoping that if I keep getting to bed on time and STOP hitting the snooze button, I'll start doing better. For now, I'm going downstairs to make myself a cup of Chai Tea Latte - I keep bugging Giant until the restock the shelves with the concentrate that Starbucks uses. This last time they called me when the new shipment came in and kept a case behind the customer service desk just for me.

Brrrrr!

It's just not right that we had to put on our winter coats so we could go outside and look for eggs at my in-laws' house this morning. It's not right that even with our coats on and zipped we were still trying to rush so we could get back inside. It's not right that Christmas was WARMER than it was today.

I've got to close this computer down and get under the covers with DH - it's cold!!!

You Say It's Your Birthday . . .

It's my birthday too, yeah...

Happy birthday to me!

Being the organizing dork that I am, as a birthday gift to myself I had two incredible friends come over this morning and they did a Clean Sweep of the kids' playroom/my pantry. The room looks incredible now. After we had pulled everything out of the pantry/closet where everything went when I couldn't figure out where else it should go, I got to the point where I was so totally overwhelmed I wanted to shove it all back in and forget about it. That's when good friends come in handy. They kept shoving things at me to make me sort, focusing me on one thing at a time. And any time I started vascillating on whether or not I should keep something, like the bookends I was given when the boys were born (FIVE YEARS AGO!) with B's name mispelled that I had always meant to return to the store and have them fix, they said my name sternly and MADE me get rid of it.

I have good friends.

Gratitude and Support

I started reading Strange Son by Portia Iversen (the co-founder of CAN) last night and I just can't put it down. Much of the book is about her relationship with a boy named Tito, a severely autistic nonverbal boy from India whose mother taught him to read, write, and communicate. He has an IQ of 185 and has written two books, being able to offer an incredible insight into the inner world of children with autism. It is fascinating! I know how lucky I am that my son is so high functioning, but reading about this child who after communicating with Portia his thoughts and feelings comes to her house and must obsessively make eight destructive laps of her entire house, with seemingly no control over his body, who cannot seem to utilize more than one of his senses at a time, it in turn makes me understand some of my own child's idiosyncracies a little more and incredibly grateful that he has as much control over himself as he does. And as he runs over to me three times as I write this to announce, "I love you," and am again reminded of what an incredible gift this ability to communicate verbally is, which I need to remember when he chatters on incessantly all day long, demanding responses or he will continue to repeat his questions or comments without end.

I signed the kids up to a local kids' gym for the next two days. They are so excited to spend the day running through the tunnels and ball pits and participate in the organized gymnastic activities. The only down side is that DH or I will have to be in the building 100% of the time since A is not potty trained yet. My day to be there is today, so I'm packing up a lot of stuff to work on while they play. I'm bringing Strange Son to finish reading along with lots of paperwork, but the most important thing I'm bringing is my laptop and two books of sample resumes for teachers. Yes, I'm going to apply for the preschool teacher position and work out the logistics if I get it. DH was not thrilled; he's concerned that A MIGHT have trouble adjusting to kindergarten and need my help during those first few weeks of school. I plan to expose the boys to their new school and teacher gradually over the summer during the last few weeks of school to help with any transition problems he might have and line up trusted loved ones to be on stand by in case they are needed, but still I get guilt from my DH that I won't be the actual person standing by, ready to run to school in case our child is having a temper tantrum. I pointed out to him that he actually does better at school than at home, having few irrational fears and less temper tantrums than he does at home, and that made DH feel a little better. I also feel that to not apply for and attempt to get a part-time teaching job that will make me feel so fulfilled and happy on the off chance that I might be needed by my children during the three hours that I'm teaching (the same three hours that ALL THREE of them will be in school) is not fair. I have never needed to come to school to assist with A in any way, so I am not sure why DH feels that kindergarten will be so incredibly different. In any case, I think I got DH to understand that I mainly just needed his support on this, needed to hear him say, "I will support you in this endeavor because I know it's something that you want. Here are my concerns; let's figure out how we can address them." We ended our discussion last night pretty much on the same page, and we're going to take it one step at a time.

April Adventures

I'm accepting the challenge to post every day during this month. And that's all the time (and energy) I have to post right now, but I plan on going to bed on time tonight and will therefore have more energy tomorrow.

Passover is coming! Passover is coming!

Today is my day to clean. And not just the bathroom or vacuum the rugs. Passover is coming, so we're talking SERIOUS cleaning!

So far today I have cleaned out the toaster (how many crumbs were in there - can we say "Fire Hazard"?) and scrubbed down the coffee maker, took all my cooking and baking foods out of the cabinets, sorting them into piles of Kosher for Passover and Chumutz (non-Kosher for Passover), scrubbing out the shelves in said cabinets, and putting all Kosher for Passover foods back in the cabinets. All other foods went into either one cabinet that we won't open for the week of Passover or a box. My children have now learned that there is a tradition to "sell" your non-kosher food to someone who is not Jewish and then "buy" it back when Passover is done, so I'm going to have to call my neighbors to find someone willing to store a box of food for the week. The kids are very excited about this idea.

My goal is to be done the kitchen in the next hour and a half. At two I need to be at my in-laws for Easter egg dying with the kids (yes, I'm aware of the incongruity of these two events). When I return I will begin my baking for the week, starting with the Kosher "bagels" my Aunt Yetta passed down to my mom who passed it down to me (or at least she will when I call her as I do every year to get the recipe - you'd think I'd finally write down my own copy).

And my timer just went off, so my ten-minute break is over. Back to work!

A J Funny

J: When I grow up I want to be a kitty cat and Santa Claus.

Mommy: Why?

J: So I can go "Meow, meow" and "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Well, duh, why didn't I think of that?!!
Special note: J is terrified of all animals, especially cats, and as for Santa Claus - Hello, we're Jewish!!!