The Last Few Days

That was really scary.

Thursday night, I finally got the kids in bed and staying there, poured myself a bowl of cereal, and the phone rang. DH, sounding out of breath, telling me that's he's driving home and is having a lot of chest pain and it's shooting down his left arm and making is fingers tingly. And HE'S DRIVING! All I could picture was him crashing into a telephone pole and me trying to tell the ambulance where they can find him. I, as calmly as I can, find out where he is (he happened to be pretty close to his parents'), and tell him to drive there so they can drive him to the ER. I would be there as soon as I could.

I must admit, I pride myself in keeping calm in an emergency. But this was a little much for me. I did feel panic creeping in as I called everyone that lived near by to come sit with the kids so I could go. No one was home. I went next door and, trying to keep calm, relayed what I knew to my neighbors and they told me to go, they would sit with the kids. I went back in the house and felt like I was going around in circles. I got DH a book and one for me (we've done ER trips for the kids MANY times and know how long they normally last) and then found myself straightening up the house. Like it mattered. But I did.

Then I left the door open (one neighbor was coming over right then) and began driving to the hospital. I called him and started talking to him on his cell (he still sounded really bad) and soon realized that I was right behind his mom's car following them. We parked at the ER and he was able to get out of the car himself, though he was somewhat hunched over and grabbing his chest. We got to the counter, which DH needed to lean on to hold himself up, and I heard myself say in a low, tight voice I did not recognize to the woman whose back was towards us, "He's having chest pain." She took one glance at him and whipped a wheelchair around for him. She wheeled him to the room right behind her and had me stay to register him. Since he's in the computer (yeah, we're ALL in the computer there) it didn't take long, maybe two minutes, but by the time I got back to him the EKG was almost finished. It was normal, but his pain was still extreme.

The nurse left and others soon filed in - blood tests, more registration info (that's right, when it's bad enough, they come to you), a PA to take more info. All this time, the sharp stabbing pain directly above his heart was coming every minute or so, the amount of pain deemed a "10" on the pain scale by DH. He was losing feeling in his left hand so much that he was no longer able to squeeze as strongly as he could with his right. If he moved the pain escalated. Or laughed. Or turned his head. Or took a somewhat deep breath. It got to the point that I was reminding him how to find a focal point and focus on his breathing, the tricks I learned in preparing for natural childbirth.

They moved him to another room down the hall and started treating him as if he was having a heart attack, giving him four baby aspirins and a nitroglycerin tablet under his tongue. Apparently just about anyone with severe chest pain is treated this way, just in case. They wheeled him off for some test, and by the time he came back the pain was better, down to an "8". Another tablet, more relief. After the third tablet under his tongue, the pain was down to a "1". That sure seemed significant to me! The nurse said that he would definitely be admitted. The doctor came in and told him that if he were a betting man, he would say this is NOT cardiac related (all the tests were coming back clean, including the blood test looking for excess cardiac enzymes), but he was staying just in case. Apparently the fact that this was Thursday night and that we would still have a day in the hospital for them to run tests was good. They gave him a nitro patch (that would give him a steady amount of nitroglycerin) and admitted him. And I drove home.

I was so tempted to pick up one of the kids and bring them to bed with me so I could have a warm body next to me, but didn't want to wake any of them, so I didn't. It worked out since J came in around 4 in the morning and was then amazed because I didn't make her go back to bed, instead told her to go get her "Mine" and come back in bed with me. She did, no questions asked. DH called around 6:15 or so, to tell me that the pain came back during the night, though not as bad as it had been, and that a doctor and a PA were in already to tell him they would be running all kinds of tests today and would not discharge him until they got to the bottom of it. By 7 all three of them were in bed with me (I guess they woke, saw J not there, and figured out where she must be) though I don't really remember the boys joining us, and I took a breath and started to tell them what as going on.

I explained that last night Daddy's heart starting hurting him so we took him to the hospital and the doctors are helping him feel better. B, who has a hero worship thing going on with his Daddy, teared up immediately asking if the doctors gave him a shot that made him go to sleep. I had to think for a moment before I realized he was asking if the doctors gave him anastesia so they could operate on him. For some reason the idea of being put to sleep like that (no, we don't have a pet and he has never heard of an animal being "put to sleep") terrifies him. I assured him that Daddy is being given medicine so his heart doesn't hurt right now but he is wide awake. I didn't want to tell him that Daddy won't be having an operation because at that point I really didn't know. The other two asked questions, but didn't seem as upset. I explained to them what our day would be like today since it was changing (and that's really hard for A). We had planned to see Peter Pan that day as a family (a local children's theater camp performs different kids' shows each week) so of course we had to do that (couldn't change things THAT much - it had been on the kids' calendar all week). My sister agreed to take the kids after that and keep them overnight, so I told them the order of the day: we would eat breakfast, go visit Daddy, see Peter Pan, and then go to Aunt J's for lunch and to have a sleepover, and I kept repeating it as the day progressed so all of them (A) would remember it.

DH called me twice while I was getting the kids ready to leave the house. Once to tell me that a doctor had just been there and told him that he would be going home a little later that morning (?!!) despite that fact that he still had significant pain and they hadn't figured out what was causing it and then again to tell me they just gave him something for the pain and that he wasn't sure when he would be going home and he didn't really care anymore. Yeah, they gave him some good stuff, but at least then I knew he wasn't really going home any time soon - they wouldn't have given him something so strong if he was going home.

I finally go them out the door and to the hospital. Major miscalculation - I forgot to prep them for how DH would look. He was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, had an Oxygen tube in his nose, and was receiving saline through an IV. B kept looking everywhere but DH, asking him questions all the time (especially about the needle they used to give him the IV and whether or not they gave him something to make him go to sleep - apparently Mommy's word was not enough). A was excited about all the electronics he saw around DH and had to find out what each number and line meant. J was the first to agree to go up and give DH a hug, which made something start beeping, which caused A so much panic that he couldn't even look at DH. I encouraged him to give Daddy a hug (if he wanted) and he approached Daddy so tentatively, hands flapping, that I reasurred him that he didn't have to hug him if he didn't want to, to which he replied, "Okay!" and backed away completely. My MIL was there and volunteered to take the kids for a walk so DH and I could talk. She found some monitors in the hallway that were not hooked up to anything and let the kids touch them some so they could see that they were not so scary. I went out in the hallway and tracked down DH's nurse to find out if his perception that he would be released soon was accurate (of course it wasn't) and gave him some more info that she needed. As soon as I went back in the room, DH was laughing at me that I had to go "rat him out." Hey, just doing what I had to do!

And with that, I took the kids to see Peter Pan, again reminding them of the new schedule a few times as we drove. We sat down and watched the AMAZING production - professional quality entertainment all performed by KIDS! A was definitely off through most of the show, needing to sit on my lap about 1/4 of the way through (he often craves pressure so seeks out hugs a lot), at times turning in to me for a tight hug, at times turning to the show but staying on my lap. J, not to lose her Mommy's lap, insisted on sitting on my lap too (luckily I have two knees and lots of experience sharing my lap), cuddling into me to rest. B sat with his hands over his ears (two years ago we had attempted to watch another production of Peter Pan and B had gotten two scared about the idea of the crocodile eating Captain Hook's hand so we had to leave) pressed up against my right side. When the show was over and I repeated the schedule for the rest of the day (go out and meet the characters, go to Aunt J's for lunch and then for a sleepover while Mommy went back to see Daddy) A broke down completely, sobbing that he thought we were having lunch at home (see why I repeat the schedule so often, even though it still didn't work this time?). Luckily we were in the absolute top row so I was able to pull him onto my lap and rock him as he cried. The other two, almost oblivious to A's hysteria, began pestering me to go out so we could see Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, anxious we would miss them. It got to the point that I started looking around the auditorium, desparately searching for anyone else that I knew who could help. Never mind all the people we saw before the show started that we knew, I couldn't find anyone now. I finally was able to get A to verbalize WHY he wanted to have lunch at home (yes, I'm so grateful he is verbal) and then reasssured him that he could have his electronic time on Aunt J's computer just like he does at home, but not if he kept crying. That stopped him quickly enough, and we went out to say hi to the various characters. I then drove them to J's, went home to get a couple things for DH, pack the kids' stuff for their sleepover, and put together some things for me to do while waiting in his room, and then drove back to the hospital.

Part two will come later - my time is up and I have to get home so I can join everyone at my IL's for dinner. I am so behind in paperwork (which I was planning to be doing this afternoon) but writing seems to help me process things, so that's what I chose to do instead, and I think that did help.

DH's update

Just left the hospital. DH seems to be virtually pain free at this point, but they're keeping him overnight again for observation. The doctors plan to discharge him in the morning. We still don't know what caused the pain, but they did a ton of tests which ruled out life-threatening stuff. I will be talking with his doctor tomorrow morning to find out what we do next. I have more to say, but I'm tired and need to go to bed.

Just had to note how incredible my neighbors are:
One neighbor came over no questions asked last night to sit with the kids so I could meet DH at the ER.
While I was at the hospital all day, two of my other neighbors came over and weeded and weedwhacked the yard.
Aren't they amazing?!!

Useful knowledge

Wanna know the quickest way to be seen when you go to the ER? Just mention "chest pain." Yup, they wisked DH back so fast by the time I finished with the very fast registration they already had him hooked up to the EKG machine.

His pain responded to the nitro tablets they put under his tongue, so they decided to admit him to run more tests. He's there now. All the tests are showing no cardiac problems, but the chest pain has come back (just not to the same extent). He just called me to say the last doctor to come in made it seem like he was going to be discharged this morning, which really surprises me since he's STILL IN PAIN and they DON'T KNOW WHY!

Food Choices

I don't think the way we lose weight is really fair.

I understand how it all works - burn off more calories then you take in. But I really think the food choices you make should really count a whole lot more than they do. For example, J and I were at Starbucks tonight (the boys are taking a drama class from 6-8 so it's easiest for J and I to hang out instead of going home and coming back out). I was hungry, and quite tempted by all the incredible pastries they still had in the display case. But I was good and selected the fruit and yogurt parfait they had.

This morning I had a bowl of Curves cereal - one bowl of a good cereal, not two or three with lots of added sugar. I had half a Coke at lunch time (wasn't really hungry and decided not to eat just because it was lunch time) and then a nonfat yogurt and some grapes around 3 when I was hungry - instead of buying the kids and I snacks at the pool snack bar we were visiting. I had a homemade "steak sandwhich" (toast, low fat salad dressing, leftover steak sliced up - now you see why, as someone living so close to Philly, I had to write the name of my sandwhich in quotations) for dinner - instead of driving thru McDonalds like I really wanted. All those great food choices, I should be dropping the pounds so easily.





I guess that big bowl of ice cream after I put the kids to bed didn't help too much, huh.

Happy Anniversary

Nineteen years ago I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I just didn't know it at the time. We were in high school auditioning for a show - the first for him, I'd lost track of how many it was for me by that time. His hands shook as he read from the copied paper the director had prepared. He swears I laughed at him; I can't imagine doing something like that. We became friends, especially as rehearsals began and we worked on our on-stage relationship as romantic opposites in Harvey.

Time passed, I went away to college, and came home that summer to reconnect with old friends. I found out that my good friend was going to attend the same college as me when he graduated - wasn't that great! Later that summer, after his girlfriend didn't feel like dancing, he asked me to dance with him while at a party, another friend's sweet sixteen. That first time we slow danced, I felt sparks flying. By the third time, dancing to "After All," the electricity between us felt so strong I felt everyone must see it. I went home that night trying to talk myself out of my feelings. I couldn't be falling for him; he was just a friend. And every time we got together with our group of friends I found myself making excuses to be near him, sit next to him, share a big pillow when we all watched a video together. Even after he broke up with his girlfriend, we still didn't acknowledge any change in feelings. It actually took us until the end of that summer to finally acknowledge what we both knew, that we were no longer just friends, but something much more.

We dated for four years, though got engaged after two. We got married right out of college, knowing that we wanted to spend our lives together so figured we'd might as well get married. That first year was tough, especially since neither one of us had lived on our own before, but we stuck it out. And it's honestly gotten better every year.

All relationships have their ups and downs, but every time we have a dip in ours, I have faith we'll be heading up and out of it soon enough. I heard this song on the radio a year or two ago that, in my mind, seemed to sum up a lot of our relationship. It might sound crazy, but I feel that's the foundation of our relationship. No matter what problems we go through, no matter how frustrated I get over the little things (and sometimes the big things), I know that, "I'll never leave, I'll never stray. My love for you will never change . . ." and that he could say the same thing back at me (even though I am perfect and he could NEVER get frustrated at me).

Happy anniversary, DH. And here's to many more.

New Business Website

Just met up with my fabulous friend who tried to help me get the site I designed up and running for my party business but we finally realized that it could only be published using Yahoo. Frustrating, but not the end of the world. However, Yahoo won't let me get in right now. She just left, and I'm still at Starbucks (I have thirty more minutes before I need to meet up with the kids and DH) working on staying calm (I'm so impatient) until I can try it again.

The Dark Side

I've crossed over to the dark side.
I set up a Facebook account - who knew how addicting that was?! I'm finding people I haven't seen in years!
And I also set up a Twitter account (see it there on the right) but can't figure out how to fix it. I posted something, didn't see it, posted it again, and now they're BOTH there! I even deleted one of them from the Twitter home page, but it's still there on my blog. ARGH!

Edited to add: Well, sure, NOW it's fixed. All on it's own. Guess I just had to be patient. Yeah, patient. Piece of cake. No problem.

Website help needed

I have been working on a brand new website for my business. It is finished finally, I love it, now I just have to figure out how to publish it so it replaces my current website (that a fabulous friend made and uploaded for me when I first got started). PLEASE contact me if you have any experience with this kind of thing.

BlogHer

Okay, all my local blogging friends, anyone else interested in going to BlogHer when it comes to DC in October? This is a serious question - I really want to go, and not only would I love attending with people I know, I really can't travel that far by myself for fear of falling asleep (darn Narcolepsy).

Soooo....who else is up for a ROAD TRIP?!! That's right, I'm talking to you, DG, Lauren (even if you haven't updated your blog in forever - what's up with that?!!), CryssyeR (I know I don't REALLY know you in real life, but I know your sister really well and I've been reading your blog, so I FEEL like I know you!), Bossy (well, you're probably speaking at it, but still . . .), Mommychicky, Mommy Brain, Ruth, Mama's World, O, Michelle, Motherhood101Aplus, Perky, Trace, "Only Me" (You are so much more than "only" so I must write that in quotes.), Adorable Girlfriend, HG ....
I know I missed some local bloggers in my list here, but it was only because I never bookmarked your blog - sorry!

Bottom line, if you blog, and you are in this general area (and you know who you are), PLEASE let me know if you are interested in going to BlogHer in October in DC. That is all.

Eating Out for a WHOLE Lot Less Money

Am I the only one who never used Restaurant.com before?

I just purchased $75 worth of gift cards to use at a local restaurant (I've never been there before but it was voted "Most romantic" in my county and I'm making secret plans for DH and I to celebrate our anniversary.) and it only cost me . . .




Wait for it . . . .




I'm still kind of in awe . . .



Fifteen dollars.

Yes, you read that right. I don't know how this works, but I'm not complaining. In addition to the regular discount you get just using Restaurant.com, I went to one of my new favorite sites, iMommies, to get an additional 50% off the cost. This offer is only good until the 22nd, so if you're interested in checking it out, do it soon!

And, no, I'm not getting paid by either website, though wouldn't mind if they're looking for paid spokespeople!

Now if I could just find a babysitter who wouldn't mind watching the kids for free . . .

92.5 xtu ROCKS!

A is such a fan of our area's country station. We decided to call and request one of his favorite songs, "Our Song" and the dj recorded him and put him on the radio. The song is coming up soon (she had put his request on as a sneak peak of what's coming up) and A has been jumping up and down all around the house since he spoke with her. Thank you, Leigh, for making his day!!!

Recap of Last Week (I know, what a title!)

I can't believe it has been a whole week since I last posted. So much has happened I just haven't had made time to write. Let's see if I can provide a recap to remember the craziness of the last week:

• Thursday was the last day of school for my one class; Friday was the last day for my other class (and for the rest of the school, including J). We had pizza parties both days.
• After school on Friday my DS took my three kids (along with her two kids and the infant she is watching) with her to a pool party that one of the moms was throwing to celebrate the end of the year. The mom had hired three lifeguards - what a great idea when having about 30 or so preschoolers in and around your in-ground pool.
• While the kids were at the party, I worked to pack up my classroom so it could be cleaned over the summer. Being who I am (anal and obsessed with organization) I of course had to reorganize everything as I packed it up to make the room more efficient for me come September. This is the room in which I teach preschool, religious school on Sundays, and Hebrew school on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I wanted to set up the best way to have all of my stuff readily available. It took me longer than I expected, and even with the window unit going full blast in my relatively small room, I was drenched with sweat by the time I was finished (more on that later), but I was able to leave the room knowing that I wouldn't have to go back until it was time to set up in August - nice! When I used to be a classroom teacher teaching full time, I would end up coming in up to two extra weeks to pack up/reorganize my room. Now that I have kids, that's just not an option!
• I started working at a drama camp last week (classes are two hours each, twice a week). This is a fabulous program that a friend of mine started - the focus is on building confidence and allowing each child to shine, NOT on creating the best production possible, which is a philosophy I really love. In fact, I love it so much that not only am I teaching at one of the sites, DH is teaching older kids at another site, and the boys are doing the camp at yet another site. I'm a little nervous about them staying up that late (classes are from 6-8, which means that last night - their first class - all three of them weren't in bed until 9, which is tough for kids who wake up before 7 every day no matter what) but they are so excited about it we'll just see how it goes!
• The kids and I started working on presents for them to give to their teachers for the end of the year. They painted pots, which I will modge-podge, which we wil put flowers in and give out on Friday (the boys' last day is actually Thursday, though there is school on Friday, so we'll deliver gifts that morning).
• Have to go pick up said boys right now. I LOVE that Starbucks now has free wi-fi - J and I have been hanging out here the last few mornings so I could do work while she pushes her baby around in the high chairs with wheels. Fun for all!

Happy Birthday!

For some reason my e-mail is not working right now (ARGH!!!) which means I can't e-mail one of my best friends to wish her a happy birthday today. With B being sick (he's totally better now and is going back to school tomorrow) I literally lost track of the date! It wasn't until a little bit ago that I looked at the calendar and saw that it was June 4.

Since I know N and her DH B read my blog, I figured this would be a good way to let her know that I am thinking of her and hope she had a great day. N - we need to get together SOON to celebrate!

It's late and I need to go to bed, otherwise I would write more about the fact that N and I have been friends since the first grade and how now that she doesn't live in the same town we don't get together as often as we want, I still consider her to be my blond sister.

Happy Birthday, N!!!

100%

Every once in a while I find a quiz that entices me. I have been reading Housewife Hiccups for a couple weeks now and saw "Would you make a good housewife?" I felt the burning desire to have a random quiz determine my worth as a "housewife," a term I don't even use to identify myself at all but still felt curious to see what it would say.

I took the quiz and felt great relief to be declared a "normal housewife" (whatever that means).

You're a normal housewife. You wish you could be perfect, but realize the impossibility. And you really like pizza.

Normal housewife 60%
Perfect housewife 50%
Housewife disaster 10%

Now I know I was not a math major (like my super smart sister), but does anyone else see a problem with these percentages?

I'm Really NOT a Bad Mom, But . . .

So much to write, only so much time to write it....

B is sick.

No, maybe you don't understand: B IS SICK.

I love all my children, and when they're not feeling well, I want to take all their pain away. And the same holds true for B. But when B is sick, I also want to find some kind of sedative to allow him to sleep it off and wake up when he finally feels better. Does that make me a bad mom?

B's speech is somewhat garbled at times, especially when he is excited about something. When he is sick he becomes almost uninteligible. I truly cannot understand 80% of what he is saying. It's as if when he's sick he decides that moving his lips or tongue is just too much effort. I cannot even count how many times I've asked him to repeat himself.

And then there's the whining. Nonstop. Everything he says is a whine. And when he's not trying to say something, he is just lying there, moaning. Whining. Without end.

He's had a cold for the last two weeks or so, made worse by the fact that he has decided not to use a tissue anymore. His cheeks, nose, chin, even both his wrists, are covered with a bright red rash brought on by wiping his nose without the use of a tissue. I know, gross. Every night we smear his face and wrist with Neosporin and he wakes up looking a lot better, but by the end of the day they're all red again. Sunday night he looked pretty good, probably from DH and I being on him all weekend to use a tissue. Unfortunately by the time he was brought to my classroom Monday, even though his face looked better, he had started whining, his signal of incoming illness.

By bedtime he had a slight fever. I was going back and forth with finding someone to just watch him during the day so I could still go to school (it was my turn to stay home with a sick kid but it IS my last week of school) and just get him checked out in the afternoon, but by 10PM he had already woken screaming from throat pain a few times, so I knew I needed to bring him to the doctor in the morning first thing.

We were up with him just about every half hour. Even though DH and I take turns with getting up in the middle of the night (a great system that works really well, even if I do have to wake DH for his turn each time), we both still ended up awake for most of the night. I had to talk DH down from wanting to drive him immediately to the ER so they could do something to put B out of his misery. I knew it was strep (which the dr. confirmed this morning, go Dr. Mom!), and while the ER could have confirmed that, it would have cost us $50, we would have been up all night, probably not getting home until about 3 AM (based on past experiences), and would have only started him on antibiotics about six hours earlier then normal. Glad he didn't push the issue!

Anyway, the non-stop whining is KILLING me. I have hidden myself downstairs, having set J and B upstairs with a DVD and a tray of chicken soup and juice boxes, A downstairs with another DVD (yeah, if one of them is sick and needs to rest on the couch, they ALL end up with extra tv time - that's just the way it is) eating his sandwich. If I play my cards right, I might be able to hide out for another five minutes. Just don't tell them where I am. Please. I'm begging you!

I Did It!

I have now completed the very time-consuming job of removing the names of all family members from this blog. PLEASE let me know if you notice any names I missed. I'm so glad I finished this!

The Zzzzz's Had It

Not such a great day.

Got everyone out the door remembering J's "Pair and Share" and Shabbat Bag, B's "Show and Tell" (but forgetting the boys' snack for today - oops!), ran to Giant to buy a case of water for B's contribution to his class since he was "Star of the Week" this week and needed to bring the case to school today, dropped the boys off at the friend who brings them to school today (they walk), brought said case of water to the boys' school since they can't carry it with them, brought J with me to school and immediately went to work helping get things ready for a special "Big Guy Breakfast" today, taught, came home from school, made lunch for everyone, cleaned up, took them back to the boys' school for an assembly (wasn't as great as I expected), came back home and collapsed on the couch.

Yes, I forgot my pills this morning AND had stayed up way too late last night. Not a good combination.

I ended up dozing on the couch for about three hours while the kids played around me, answering them and dealing with them when they came to me but tuning them out the rest of the time.

Bad Mommy.

Wasted the afternoon.

Could have been doing so much more with the kids and around the house, but the fatigue was too great. I should have ried to work through it more, but I could barely keep my eyes open as I drove them home from their school.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it anymore. It's 10:00. I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Bad Blogger

What a bad blogger I have been. If you didn't know any better, based on my last entry, you might have thought that A succeeded in burning down the house and therefore I have not been able to blog since my laptop would have gone up in flames. Luckily, NO, that did not happen.

This afternoon the kids and I will be traveling to the mall to get a replacement battery for DH's cell phone battery. Hopefully it will be replaced for free, but if not, that's the way it is.

I have so much to write about, but no time to do it! Preschool is over in two weeks, the boys' school goes one week more, DH is finished a week later (I think), so I've really been thinking a lot about things to do with the family for the summer.

"Quiet Time" is over and it is now "Electronics' Time" so I must end this post and let A and B get on the laptop.

Where There's Smoke

"I smell smoke," A mumbled as he stood in the living room with his hands over his ears. He was in the posture he takes when either he did something wrong or he's really scared. This time it was both.

I couldn't help it. I normally am able to stay calm around children, even when they do something wrong. Sure, I've had my moments, like when A smeared the contents of his diaper all over his room, paying close attention to his books and the rug. But even then I had the "luxery" of telling him to stay there (in a tone of voice that left NO room for doubt) while I removed myself from the situation long enough to get myself together. But this time, with images of the house catching on fire, my voice raised in volume automatically.

"What do you mean! Where do you smell smoke? What were you doing?" I yelled at A.

Knowing he had really done something wrong and not used to me acting so out-of-control, he does what makes sense to him and throws himself to the floor in a ball with his hands over his ear. Oh, no, I needed the answers to these questions, so I carry his limp body upstairs.

It took many frantic minutes on my part while A stood frozen in the hallway, but eventually I found DH's new phone (had still been in the box) on the floor with the back pulled off and in my room found the source of the burning smell - did you know phone batteries can catch on fire if handled incorrectly? We do!

While the battery never actually caught on fire, it became very hot very quickly (enough to burn A's fingers some) and began to smoke. I carried it and A outside to examine both the battery and his fingers better. His fingers were red but fine. When I tried to move the part of the battery that he had pulled out back to where it had originally been, it became extremely hot very fast and again started smoking.

Not knowing what consequence to give A, I knew I didn't want him playing inside anymore, so I sent him in to at least get his shoes on. When I followed him in a couple minutes later (had to sit and wait for the nausea to pass) I found him on my laptop.

He was on the AT&T website looking for a new phone for Daddy. Good thing I got to him when I did - my credit card was right next to the computer.

I'm Tired of it All!

As you know I have been spending a lot of time going through my old posts to make them more anonymous, replacing the kids' names with initials. I've gone all the way back half-way through 2006 - not bad. As I go through a post looking through specific names to replace I, of course, end up re-reading what I had written. And I've noticed some disturbing themes that keep repeating themselves no matter what year or what month or what is going on in my life:

1) I'm tired. Whether related to depression, narcolepsy, or just my crazy-busy life, I'm forever tired. And I know and freely admit that one thing I have to do is get to bed on time. And yet, year after year, I just don't do it. Plus I end up staying in bed until the latest possible moment, resulting in all of us running around the house like crazy people in an effort to get out the door on time.

2) I'm overwhelmed with everything involved with running the house and am fed up with the clutter that seems to be everywhere. Even when I write how proud I am that I cleaned out ____, several months later I am again fed up with what a mess the same area is. Clearly, I need routines in place that I will stick with.

3) I'm very upset with my weight (close to forty pounds overweight), clearly related to my out-of-control eating and lack of exercise.

I recognize this, I'm tired of this, I need to change this.

I've started a new incentive to get me out of bed on time. DH leaves the house around 6 AM, a time that I've now decided would be good for me to get up and moving. I KNOW if I was up and ready to go earlier than the kids get up it would make a HUGE difference. So for the last two days when DH has come back to our room to say good-bye, I've asked him to turn the shower on for me. If I don't get up immediately I will end up wasting all that water, something the environmentalist in me can't stand. And if I'm too tired to care about that first thing in the morning, then the knowledge that if I don't get up soon I will need to take a cold shower will surely get me moving.

Today I showered, dressed, made my bed, got the kids' breakfast on the table, at my breakfast while quietly reading a book, drank my cup of Chai Tea Latte while checking my e-mail, folded the load of laundry in the dryer and put it away, AND put a new load in the washer. I had the energy to encourage the kids to get dressed and cleaned up (we have a series of to do lists with incentives for completing each list) without yelling or getting stressed.

We will be walking out the door in five minutes. We are all 100% ready (well, I still have to do J's hair, but I'm about to do that) and amazingly, I don't feel as sluggish as when I end up hitting the snooze alarm twenty times.

I think I'm going to work on this goal for a while, and then start focusing more on the others. But as for today, woohoo!

Mother's Day Vacation

Thank you to all of you who felt my pain and offered suggestions for where the TiVo remote was. I believe one of the boys (it truly could have been either one) put it behind the couch. When I was looking around the living room for the third time I noticed the couch was pulled out a little, which prompted me to look behind it and - POOF - there it was!

This weekend was good, but long. My DNs (dear niece and nephew for those of you not up on internet lingo) slept over Friday night and all five kids actually DID go to sleep okay and stayed in the room until the clock radio turned on in the morning. Not bad. That afternoon we had a surprise party for my FIL. Whether he was surprised or not is debatable, but I know he was pleased. It was the first b-day party he EVER had, and my MIL worked really hard to get people from his past to come. My MIL was so cute in planning this - she had REALLY wanted to surprise him, so she started planning it six months ago, which is also when she sent out the invites. I received the RSVPs and I heard from a number of people that they had never received an invitation that early. She just wanted everything to be just right. As it turns out, it was.

The party took place at an Irish restaurant that my ILs go to every Saturday, in a private room upstairs. A soon discovered a video game (one that sits on the bar) and sat watching it for pretty much the entire time (all FIVE hours). I thought he was just watching the sample games go by, but then I learned that the bartender had given him his code and he was able to play lots of games too. I knew it would be near impossible to pull him away from the game, so I didn't really try, though I knew we would pay for it that night and the next day, and we sure did. But overall, the party was great.

On Mother's Day the kids woke me with breakfast in bed (made by DH). J sang her special song to me, to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star": Mommy, Mommy, I love you. Yes, I, Yes, I, Yes, I do. You're so sweet, and oh, so kind. I'm so glad that you are mine. Mommy, Mommy, I love you. Yes, I, Yes, I, Yes, I do.

The song was adorable. And it is adorable the first two times she sings it each day. When she sings it non-stop, over and over again, it's not QUITE so cute, but still, she is so proud of the fact that she knows it all she sings it to everyone. And I do mean EVERYONE - the other teachers, other moms, even the pharmacist at Rite Aid!

The kids were really off (see above) on Sunday, which made me SOOOO glad it was Mother's Day and DH was in charge. Everytime the sounds of their screaming and whining got too loud, I just snuggled down into bed some more with my book and asked DH to shut the door. Sweet.

Religious School ended yesterday, and for the first time we combined the two sessions into one, which meant it went from 10-11:30, meaning I could sleep in some and still have time to do stuff in the afternoon. DH had the kids out with his mom, so I took advantage of the time alone in the house by reorganizing the entryway. Yeah, I know I'm an organizing dork, but that's what sounded like fun to me.

We ended the day with a BBQ at my parents with everyone invited (my ILs + my FIL's mom, my sister and her whole family which includes her two kids + her two step-kids + her niece + her SIL + her DH - all the people who live in her house, my parents, two of the three foreign students who are currently renting rooms from them, and us), just small, intimate party.

DH and I are good at giving presents to each other that we don't buy in the store. For Mother's Day in 2005 he gave me this, in 2006 he did it again, and in 2007 he gave me a WHOLE week to myself over the summer. By the third day of that week, he told me that he hoped I enjoyed my gift because he would never ever give me an entire week again. Which is why I was amazed to see this year's gift: three WHOLE weeks (7-4 each day) to myself in the middle of July to do whatever I want. I noticed the time limit of each day that DH included will hopefully allow him to keep his sanity this year. I'm not even totally sure if I WANT three weeks like that, but it's a fabulous gift one way or another.

So...any ideas about what I could do for those three weeks. Keep in mind I can't go away (I'll have from 7-4 each day). What would YOU do with three weeks of daytime freedom?

TiVo Remote

I was REALLY looking forward to sitting on the couch and watching one of the shows that I Tivoed from last night, but one of the children has lace the remote somewhere that I can't find it which means that not only can I not watch a good show, I can't even watch LIVE TV right now!!! So, please, use your powers for good and leave me a comment on where I should look. Thank you.

Experimenting with something new

Just read Because I Said So's Sunday Shout Out and she explained how the really cool bloggers cross things out within their blog. I'm going to try it now now. OOoooo, I DID IT!

Now I have to go scream at lovingly encourage my children to get in bed since Mommy needs to blog some more clean up from dinner and create a beautiful, peaceful home for all of us to enjoy.

I'm Proud of . . .

1. I bought four reusable grocery bags today. Can't believe I put it off for so long, thinking that it was too expensive or that I would need too many to make it practical. They were 99 cents each and four of them held all my groceries!
2. I got Mother's Day presents for the kids in both of my classes to make for their moms and for my three kids to make for their two grandmothers and great-grandmothers and my sister. Go me for being ahead of the game - I usually wait until the VERY last minute.
3. I went to Gentile's (a local produce store) and stocked up on fruits and vegetables to snack on. I'm really trying to get my weight under control.
4. With that in mind I set up new goals at SparkPeople again. I'm sticking to the "fast break" stage - I created three small goals to work on: To drink 8 glasses of water a day, To get 8 hours of sleep, and To journal (blog) every day. I really think just sticking to those three things will be a great start to getting my weight under control. Here's a link if you want to check it out: Free Calorie Counter at SparkPeople.com
5. I took B and J to an allergist today, a very time-consuming process. We found out that B does not have seasonal allergies (good to know) and now have a new plan in place for dealing with his asthma. We also found out that J is allergic to trees (I guess that falls under the category of seasonal allergies) and to cats. The truly ironic thing is that I had JUST decided YESTERDAY that we should just bite the bullet and get a cat. Good thing I didn't tell the kids that yet! Guess we'll be scrapping that plan.
6. I took care of myself today and saw the midwives at The Birth Center for my regular check-up. I know, not that exciting, but still important. One of the best things about continuing to use midwives for my well woman visits is I did not have to worry about shaving my legs. I'm sure many if not most of the clients there do not shave and that no on there would even notice! Not the only reason I'm going there, but today, it was nice to not have to worry about trying to squeeze in one more thing.
7. I sorted through the kids' clothes yesterday, put together a bag of girl clothes and a bag of boy clothes that the kids have outgrown, and then listed them on Cheapcycle for $5 each. It appears that I actually have found two buyers for them and will be making a little bit of cash for things that I normally would have given away.
8. I also rearranged the rest of the kids' clothes, consolidating them all to the one bedroom (something I should have done as soon as we offically allowed J to move in with the boys). And I got DH to clear out J's "house" - a.k.a. the box the new stove came in - from the upstairs playroom - a.k.a. J's old bedroom.
9. I went to a fundraiser with the family yesterday, one that I had donated a gift certificate for $100 towards a b-day party from me. Not only am I proud that people put a lot of tickets in the bag for the b-day party package (that contained my g.c.), but one of the volunteers approached me just to tell me how much she and her daughter had enjoyed my performance at the elementary school fundraiser I did last week. Wow, that felt so good!
10. I finally figured out how to send links in my e-mails!!!
11. The fact that I will be going to bed soon, which means that I will be able to get the eight hours of sleep I'm shooting for!

Drugs

I love my husband.
He took over with the kids yesterday as soon as he got home, not giving me any grief about the fact I needed to crawl under the covers at 4:30 in the afternoon. Since I started crying when he later came up to find out what triggered this and told him that nothing triggered it and I don't want to talk about it, he let it go, just what I wanted.

I love medication.
I missed refilling my anti-depression meds when I should have, so yesterday was a result of missing three days in a row. I functioned fine at school yesterday, but ran into trouble when I got home. As soon as he made dinner for the kids and got them sitting down to eat it, DH ran out to pick up my prescription and also picked up some soup (all I felt like eating for dinner) and Good and Plenty (one of my favorite comfort foods). This morning I took both my anti-depressant AND my narcolepsy med (which I had ALSO missed yesterday). What a difference!

Life is much better when I don't have to muddle through the fog that becomes my mind when I don't have drugs.

Depression Sucks

I hate that I wasted this day, the one semi-free afternoon I had this week.
I hate that I was too tired to make myself get off the couch.
I hate the way the house looks.
I hate clutter.
I hate our bedroom.
I hate the mess that we call the playroom.
I hate the way the "upstairs playroom" looks.
I hate that the kids' room is not set up well.
I hate the way I look.
I hate how out of shape I am.
I hate the laundry I still have to do.
I hate that even though I had a whole bunch of stuff on the to do list for today and I didn't get to any of it.
I hate that I had something really fun planned for tonight but needed to "check out" as soon as DH got home at 4:30. I've been upstairs ever since.

I hate depression.

Saturday, Today, and Tonight

Today was one of those days that J just has not stopped whining and crying from the moment we stepped in the door, so I just put her in bed (as she's screaming, "But I'm not tired!!!) in her room. I told her that she just has to lay there until the timer I'm setting goes off ("No, Mommy, until it goes ON!" as the kids like to tell me, which would make a lot more sense.) and then I'll come get her. Anytime before when she has gotten like this, after about ten minutes she is sound asleep. I don't need her to go to sleep (though she sure seems like SHE needs it), but just to calm down enough so she's not crying anymore. Even if she just laid in bed listening to her music in the dark for about twenty minutes and didn't fall asleep, she'd still be getting some rest. However, I'd be quite surprised if she's still awake after that long.

Saturday was AMAZING! I was hired to entertain at a local school's fundraiser - a "Play-a-thon" and community yard sale. The deal I worked out with them was for me to do a different storytime/performance every hour and to lead a craft for the rest of the time. The fundraiser was from 9-2, so I performed at 10, 11, 12, and 1 - and the crowd kept getting bigger each time! Even the "big kids" (4th and 5th graders) were into it! Everytime I take my kids to see a kid performer I pick up some new techniques, so the latest addition to my repetoire was to offer my cards to the kids to bring back home. I think the only way this could have gone better was if people started hiring me on the spot to do their child's birthday party. I hope it pays off! I also gave out necklaces that I attached my business info to and flyers. I guess now we just wait and see. But I plan to start looking for other opportunities like this for me to perform and run a craft. Let me know if you know of any craft fairs, street fairs, block parties, stuff like that, coming up that might be looking for kids' entertainment. Thanks!!!

Now I have to get to work. It's DH's b-day, so I picked up food on our way home from school and now need to make a large meatloaf (his choice!) and mashed potatoes (jealous, DG?) and a cake with cream cheese frosting. And pick up the crap that's all around the house. And wash, fold, and put away yet another load or two of laundry. No problem.

Free Money!

See the new button on the right? That's right - sign up and get $25. It's that simple. Apparently this is competition for PayPal, but the benefit of Revolution Money Exchange is you don't have to pay anything every time you accept money. Nice! I'm going to look into how to put this on my business website. It would be nice to accept deposits and/or payment on-line!

And in the interest of full disclosure, I will receive $10 for anyone who decides to sign up and clicks on the button over there to do it. If you sign up (and get $25) you will get a chance to add a button to your site, or e-mail people that you know, and you too could earn $10 for each person who signs up through you.

But I didn't post this just to get you to sign up - I really think it looks like a good system and is just what I was looking for for my business!

Edited to add: I have now earned $55 that is going to be deposited into my bank account!!! Yes!!! I plan on using this anytime I need to send money on-line. Sweet! If you haven't done it already, check it out. Just click on the button on the right and see what it's all about. If you sign up after you read about it, I earn $10!

WHY?

Why have I not closed this stupid computer down and gone to bed? I have been so bad with the amount of sleep I have been getting this week it is crazy! That being said, I'm going to bed now and will have to figure out why I sabatoge myself with this EVERY time.

Thoughts I'm Pondering

1. Why is my TiVo remote not able to control the tv's sound even though it has the buttons to do so?
2. Why have I still not called the chiropractor about this pain in the back of my neck?
3. How many more days of Passover are left?
4. If I pretended to myself it was Passover all year long, how much weight could I lose?
5. Why have not gone to bed yet?
6. Tomorrow is the last day ever of the Parent and Me Shabbat Program I've been involved with either as a parent or as the teacher since the boys were three months old. What is the best way to commemorate this special occasion?
7. I'm performing at a fundraiser Saturday. I'll be doing four different 15-minute performances, one each hour. What exactly am I going to do and will the school-aged kids actually enjoy what I do or think it's stupid?
8. Why is it that my beloved synagogue could not serve a completely Kosher for Passover meal at our second night seder?!!
9. I was able to clean the kitchen completely this afternoon - go me!
10. Would I be totally crazy if I proposed to the Temple Board that I be in charge of the kitchen to ensure that basic kashrut laws are being followed at Temple functions and that it is getting cleaned and maintained on a regular basis? So many individuals use the kitchen and there is no one overseeing it - we're just having lots of problems.
11. We have a babysitter for tomorrow night (it's been a LONG time!!!) and are going out, even though it's Shabbat. I know, shame on us, but I think time together as a couple is really important, and since I participte in two preschool Shabbat services during the day, maybe that can make up for the fact I'm ditching my family's Shabbat dinner. PLUS we got together for dinner tonight (my sister's b-day) and will again on Saturday (a semi-surprise BBQ my BIL is planning for my sis), so I think that more than makes up for missing one dinner. I don't know, am I justifying a little too much?
12. I HAVE to get to bed. I will ponder more tomorrow (which, since it is now 12:03 AM, I guess is really today now).

Finally - Another Post

And almost another week has gone by without me writing a post.

I have written so many in my head, but chose not to take the time from everything I have had to do this week in getting ready for Passover to actually write them down. And, of course, now I can't remember them.

I have been so incredibly tired. The narcolepsy is totally kicking my butt, which makes it so hard to accomplish anything! And my back is hurting me so much, on my right side by my shoulder blade. I will call the chiropractor in the morning, but for now it feels like there is a knife stabbing me everytime I move my head or lift my right arm. Made it kind of hard to prep for and help the kids stay focused during the seder tonight or last night, but I survived.

It's late and I need to get to bed, but I will try to write again tomorrow.

Financial Goals

So much to write about, so little time to do it.
But here's what I've been working on today: MONEY!

I will be using our tax refund to pay off our new stove, the boys' birthday party, and all three kids' registration fees for next year (J for preschool, A and B for Religious School).

The supplemental pay we will be receiving by the end of May (for the drama class I've been teaching and the middle school show DH just directed) will go into savings to make up for the fact I don't receive a paycheck over the summer (to be fair, I don't TEACH over the summer either!). This will be the first summer that we will not have to struggle with money!

The "tax stimulus check" which I expect sometime in May will be going into our savings account to pay for summer activities. I am budgeting $100 a week so we can do activities as a family. We've never been able to set aside this much money for family activities, so I'm really excited about it.

All other supplemental pays we will be receiving from June through August will go toward paying down our Discover Card debt. If we stick to the budget (and with all the "extras" I've accounted for I don't see why we shouldn't be able to) we will be able to pay off the Discover card completely by October.

Once the Discover card is paid off, we will only have two areas of debt: our mortgage and our home equity loan. Unfortunately, at this time, we have very little savings and very little retirement money set aside yet. I know our next financial goal needs to be to build an emergency fund large enough to cover three months of expenses. By my calculations we should be able to do that by June 2010. I suppose our next goal will be to set up a retirement fund.

I would LOVE to be able to begin putting more money towards the principal of our Home Equity Line of Credit, but I think our priorities should be: 1) Discover Card, 2) Emergency Fund, 3) Retirement Fund.

I'm feeling quite satisfied now and comfortable with our financial situation right now. That's a rare feeling for me, so I'm going to try to ignore all the other things that I have to do this week and just savor it.

Making the blog more anonymous

I just finished changing our real names for all of 2008. Go me! I'll work on it some more tomorrow. Please let me know if you find any of our real names in any of the posts for 2008.

Blogger Help

I have finally decided that I need to stop using my family's names in my blog. The problem is: how do I take them out of all previous posts? I'm trying to figure out if there is a simple search and replace function on Blogger where I can just search for specific names and then tell Blogger to replace them with the pseudonym. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Edited to add: Thanks for all your help. After looking at everyone's suggestions, including that fabulous website, I've decided the easiest thing is to first sort all posts by name (so I'm searching for one name at a time) then go into each post to edit and use the control F function (which I had never known about before) to search for each time the name is used so I can then manually change it. Pain in the @ss! As you can see, I started tonight and will try to work on it a little every night until it is complete.

Dreams of Birthday Steaks and Sleep (not necessarily in that order)

Our big accomplishment Sunday night was that we kept B out of the ER.

We were up all night, used up all the hot water in the water heater not once but three times creating a steam bath for him to help his breathing, and the poor boy was still coughing every single breath he took.

Yesterday DH stayed home with him and took him to the doctor where he was upgraded from his regular nebulizer to an inhaler with a spacer. Woohoo - this takes SO much less time than the neb treatments and seem to be working better.

Even though the doctor felt this was due to allergies (and who knows, it might still be) B developed a slight fever yesterday (which seems to be gone today), but we decided to keep him home again. Today it was my turn, so DH went to school and I got a sub. Of course, A woke up with a minor cough and convinced me that he was too sick to go to school, too. Since I was already staying home with B, I figured it was no big deal for him to stay home too. And I got a good friend to drive J to school and pick her up later, so the boys and I can just stay in.

DH had planned out a great way to celebrate my birthday (yesterday) with everyone (my parents, his parents, my sister and her family) coming over for steaks (yum!) but with B's cough and general miserableness (it's a word if I say it's a word!), that didn't happen. Ultimately my parents and sister took me out for Chinese food right around the corner from my house (in case I needed to rush back home for B). Not the way I had planned to celebrate, but still VERY nice. AND both my parents and my in-laws gifted me with a night at a hotel of my choosing, so I got the weekend of solitude I wanted! YES!!!

I have been EXTRA tired recently. I don't know if it's my body's way of telling me that I need to increase my narcolepsy medicine, that it's fighting off something (my throat is sore today), or just that I need to take it easy. Hey, maybe it's a combination of all three. Last week I actually fell asleep at the dinner table. While talking. With the kids and DH all there. Yeah, that's never happened before. I was doing okay running around, getting dinner ready, folding the laundry, all that kind of stuff, but after sitting down for a few minutes at the table an incredible wave of fatigue swept over me so extreme that I actually fell asleep. Kind of weird. Okay, REALLY weird. So now I'm working hard to be in bed going to sleep by 10, but what with a sick boy and me just not going upstairs when I should, it's really tough. No more excuses - have to do better with that one.

And for today, my two "sick" boys are playing video games (we have a cheapy plug-in system that DH bought that plays two games, but it's the coolest thing in the world to my guys) still in their pajamas (at least they're sitting on the couch while they play - if I ignore the times they're jumping up and down to cheer themselves on I can pretend they're kind of resting), so I should take advantage of this extra time at home by getting caught up on the laundry and finishing sorting through the basket full of paperwork I still have. I keep saying if I could just clear out this basket of old stuff I could stay on top of everything new coming in. Just doesn't seem to happen. But maybe today is the day.

Or maybe I'll just head upstairs and take a nap.

Are you aware?

Today is World Autism Day.
I've read some fabulous posts today from bloggers I know. Check them out here and here and here.

I'm in a quandry. I'm tired. I stayed up WAY too late last night, and I must go to sleep NOW, but I want to write a long post about our experience with Autism. So here's my compromise:

Last summer I wrote about A two times (still need to revise those posts and combine them somehow) and how he is learning to live with Asperger's.

We knew something was up with A when he was a little older than one. He never responded to his name or to any commands/direction given. We had his hearing tested, just in case, but that was fine. We didn't really know what else to do. It was quite a relief when we got his diagnosis.

It was tough in the beginning. We needed to simplify some things at home, even though that was really hard. Potty training was QUITE a journey, but we finally made it (for the most part).
It's been fabulous to learn more about it and develop strategies that work for us. He's in kindergarten now, which has its ups and downs.

Those are all the links I could find (Not bad, huh, Anjali?). I think they really cover a lot of our experience. I'll try to write more tomorrow. I'm too tired to think of a cute ending to this post, so let me just say, "Good night."

The list of things in my head right now

I know, I know, it's not a very creative title. But I almost published this post without any title at all, so I guess any title is better than none, right? Just nod and smile, make me feel better about my lack of creativity.

I am so bad at this NaBloPoMo thing! The theme for March is lists, so I figured I could at least make a list for today's post. So here it is, the top things I'm thinking about tonight:

1. I worked out a way, looking at all our "extra income" (i.e. the money we both make that is not part of our regular salaries), to pay off the Discover Card debt by the end of the summer! And I did this while also putting aside money to cover the fact that I don't receive a salary over the summer AND allow us to spend up to $100 a week on family activities to do over the summer. I'm SO excited about this fact!! I typed it all up (because I'm a dork like that) so DH can see it in black and white to ensure that we are both on the same page.
2. I finally received the cool storage unit from Target (it's just like the one I linked to except it's white). DH set it up last night and it looks GREAT!
3. I am almost caught up on the laundry, though as my cousin writes, unless we all sit around naked, there will ALWAYS be laundry to do. She has inspired me to institute a "Naked Day" at least once a month so I can be completely and totally caught up, at least for a few hours. I haven't decided if I'm kidding or not yet.
4. I went to see an amazing service last night at my Temple. My friend, Brian, was commissioned to compose an entire service, writing new melodies and arrangements for all the prayers chanted and sung during a Friday night service. In addition to the Temple's choir and other professional singers all volunteering their time to perform, there was also an oboe and bass player from the Philadelphia Orchestra (both Temple members) joining in with Brian on the baby grand as accompianment. It was an incredible experience!
5. I joined my Temple's choir at the age of 12, the youngest member ever. I quit a few years ago, unable to continue attending rehearsals each week what with the kids and all. I miss it. I miss performing. Singing for little kids is great, but it's not quite the same. Last night's service was so amazing, so inspiring, that I am now committed to figuring out a way to be part of the choir again.
6. Tried a new recipe the other day that actually turned out pretty good. Everyone ate it without complaining! Wow, if that now qualifies as a successful meal in my mind, my standards sure have changed. That's kind of sad.
7. The cantor at the Temple developed larengytis this weekend and asked me to substitute for her this morning at services. I was happy to do it, but I forgot the rule about not eating/drinking milk before singing and it took me about two songs to stop working hard to get over the need to clear my throat. And I was also sad to discover that while I've developed my chest voice a lot over the past few years, singing more to capture kids' attentions, I feel like I've lost the lower range of my head voice. Fortunately the last song I sang was Sabbath Prayer, which was perfect for my current range, so at least I was able to end the service well. And, hey, it's always more important to END well so that's what everyone remembers.
8. Obviously I'm having WAY too much fun creating all kinds of links (Well, you just knew I had to find a link describing what a link is!). Since it is now almost midnight, we're now on to the next issue I've been thinking about . . .
9. I've been staying up way too late. This is not good for me, and it definitely doesn't help my narcolepsy. Okay, just ONE more link. I get to sleep in a little tomorrow, but still have to be out the door by 9. I better finish up down here and go to sleep!

And Your Mission Is . . .

Yesterday was my "day off." I LOVE that my DH has the same vacation time as the rest of us! I spent the day napping AND decluttering/organizing my party supplies and the kids' toys. Three large bags of trash and five large toys/toy sets later the playroom (where I store my party supples too) looks SOOOO much better. I still see more that I want to do, but wow, I was on fire!

Today is DH's "day off." I wrote out a schedule with the kids so they would see what we were doing today. As soon as "electronics time" is over (15 minutes/kid) we are going on "Detective Adventures." This is really just running errands with me, trying to return a WHOLE bunch of things that still have the tags on, but I'll try to play up that the kids are my detectives and give them a mission before going in each store. Most of the stores I need to return stuff to is at a local mall, so hopefully I'll be able to move somewhat quickly with them. Hey, a girl can hope!

You say it's your birthday . . .

My birthday is coming up April 7th and I've just thought of the perfect gift for myself. I want an entire weekend for myself. I want to lounge in bed for as long as I want, read a pile of good romance books, order up room service, go to the bathroom and close the door without worrying that someone is going to need to use the potty "right now, hurry, I'm going to pee on the floor!"

Don't misunderstand - I LOVE spending time with my kids and my husband. But I would also LOVE to spend a weekend to myself. With as much quiet as I want. Without having to referee anything, without needing to clean or declutter any part of the house (or feel guilty about NOT doing that).

I decided to put a PayPal button on the side over there ---->
in case anyone reading feels like donating a dollar or two to my cause. No pressure or anything, but just figured it couldn't hurt to share my goal!

So now that I'm a total Blog Whore, I'm off to bed.

Happy Birthday to the Sick One

J turned four today by coming into our room at 1AM burning up with fever. Happy birthday, Baby! I guess I can't really call her a baby anymore - she corrects me everytime I do it anyway. But she will always be my baby!

J has been sick since Tuesday. She's had a runny nose for awhile, but who doesn't this time of year? On Tuesday we determined she had a low grade fever. While she seemed okay the next day, her head was warm so we kept her home. And she ran around the house and played with all her toys. I started guessing that maybe my "mommy sensor" was off. She felt a little warm but was acting absolutely fine. I took her temperature with our thermometer but think we need a new one - it never even got up to normal. So she and I went to school on Thursday and Friday and she had a regular day on Saturday, though she did seem a little more tired than usual and actually took nap on Thursday. Yesterday, however, whenever I met up with the kids and DH in the afternoon I felt her head and there was no question about a fever. We put her to bed early and called all her party guests so we could reschedule her party for later this week. And she joined us in bed burning up.

We actually gave her some medicine to bring down the fever, but eventually I had to carry her back to her room because she was such a furnace I couldn't fall asleep lying next to her. She seems in good spirits today, but still clearly has a fever. I got a doctor's appointment for later this afternoon, and I expect them to tell us her ears are infected or something like that, some cause for the fever.

What a way to celebrate the day she joined our family!

I Want

I just returned from a fabulous in-service for Religious School teachers. We all had a lesson we taught video-taped and had an opportunity to watch it with a peer and analyze it, after we talked about ways to question and non-verbal language and all that other stuff. I am happy to say that I feel very confident about my teaching ability. Even with that confidence, I KNOW there is always room for improvement, so I cannot wait to try to improve the one area that my colleague pointed out (trying to elecit responses from the kindergarten students how they felt after acting out the story of the Tower of Babel). Even if they cannot verbalize their feelings (some could but probably not all) they could at least SHOW me how they felt. It was a good point and I value her input.

I left that in-service and arrived to an empty, quiet house. So rare. The kids are with my DH at my ILs; I'm expected to join them at 3 to watch them dye Easter eggs. It is not necessary to point out the irony of the two different activities I am doing today - I'm already very aware of it. The idea of analyzing what I do and searching for ways to improve it is not new for me. I feel like I'm always looking for that next "great idea", the one that's going to make everything run more smoothly at home, the one that will make the house clean itself, make the meals prep and cook themselves, clean, dry, and put away all dirty clothes, the one that will balance the checkbook, pay the bills, redo my business website, come up with new marketing ideas, all while structuring the time the kids are home to allow appropriate amounts of "down time", exercise, activities to build fine motor skills and develop reading and math skills . . . the list goes on and on.

I KNOW there is no ONE magic solution/strategy that is going to make all that happen on its own. But I also know I need to focus on my vision, on what I want to see, in order to acheive it. The last time I posted I expressed how I needed to sit down with my DH and revisit our list of responsiblities to take some of the burden off of me. Just to clarify for all of you who were so supportive of me, the original list that I came up with has me being in charge of the laundry. I was also in charge of most everything else involved with the cleaning and running of the house, but I did pick some things for DH to do that would help out a lot, like unloading the dishwasher in the morning, taking out the trash, filling up the kids special cups with milk before he left in the morning. He and I together had come up with that original list a few months ago. I take full credit for any inequalities on the list, but set out this week to fix them.

I was quite impressed with how our discussion went. I worked to keep it very focused on the task at hand and possible solutions and not to go back and talk about how you didn't do this or this. I proposed with the laundry, for example, that the two solutions that I saw were for me to focus on no more than ONE load a day from start to finish OR for DH to simply take care of his own laundry, thus ensuring he would have enough clean clothes each day. We agreed on the first idea. I also brought up the idea of wearing his pants more than one time each, but he said they usually got dirty, mainly because he ends up spilling coffee on them during the ride to school. I wrote down the idea that we need to invest in multiple travel mugs (since it's so easy to lose them and/or leave them behind) to hopefully cut down on the amount that is spilled.

With the basic cleaning of the house (vacuuming, mopping, bathroom, dusting) we brainstormed some on how to make this work since just stating that I would be in charge of it was NOT enough. We came up with a plan to involve the kids: each day, each kid and I would be in charge of ONE of those four jobs in one room. We would do the job for about five minutes, cleaning as much as we could in that amount of time, so as not to overwhelm anyone, me included. And the next day we would get a new job. I LOVE this idea - I'm starting it tomorrow so we'll see how it works. DH was concerned with the LR rug, that the kids vacuuming this most days wouldn't allow it to fully get clean (they do snack in the LR and color, so there is a lot of stuff on the rug by the end of the day), so I suggested and he agreed that he would be in charge of vacuuming it one final time at the end of the day. Problem solved (I hope).

I'm really excited about the redistribution of household responsiblities, and I tried typing it out to clearly show the equality of them. It's now posted in the kitchen, front and center.

When I walked into the quiet house today, my main question was what do I want? What do I want to see as I look around the house? I think the main thing that would ultimately make me happy was to have a place for everything and have everything IN its place. Obviously I'm not the first person who has said that, but there is such validity to the statement. I would have such a sense of peace if I looked around the room I'm in right now and did not see piles of "stuff" on the floor, the table, the bookcase.

So then the next question is how am I going to acheive it? That clearly will take more thought. I LOVE the idea of doing a "Clean Sweep" (boy do I miss not having The Learning Channel anymore) but am not sure I could ever have enough uninterupted time to achieve it. This week is spring break and both DH and I have off, as do the kids. Maybe I can work out a plan to focus on some key places around the house. I'll have to think about that and report back. I know how important it is to NOT get the all or nothing mentality that I often get as a perfectionist. I know that even if I can work on one drawer, one pile, it's better than nothing. It just feels that when I do that another pile or hot spot forms almost before I finish with the first one, which is why I think just doing a clean sweep, room by room, and only bringing back in the things that HAVE a home and are used, that might be my answer. Hmmmm...

Any tips? I'd love to hear them!

My sanity has fallen and it can't get up.

As I've written about for the last two days, Monday I fell down my stairs. I feel like a big baby still complaining about this, but I busted my lip open so it's still swollen and gross looking but the worst is that I landed smack on my back on the hard wood floor. My body really hurts. It's getting better, but last night my neck hurt so bad by the time I got in bed I started crying from pain just from putting my head on the pillow. :( I have an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow, and I know that will help, but for now it doesn't feel good.

Yesterday I had to bring J home from school because she was acting sick. By the time we got home, she seemed fine, BUT today she woke with a fever. I wasted half an hour this morning trying to find a sub - only a waste of time since I couldn't find anyone. Hate missing school but if she's sick, she's sick. Except besides the fever, she's fine! Right now she's downstairs trying to boss her brothers around to set up for a show they're going to perform. I have no idea if this fever is going to stick around or not, so no way of knowing what the deal is for tomorrow yet.

B brought home the class teddy bear yesterday. I was out last night bowling with Bossy and lots of other Philly-area bloggers (more on that tomorrow), and even though I left everything ready to go back in the bag it came home in, at some point last night one of the kids took everything out of said bag and transferred it to the black hole that must exist in every house. When questioned about it, B has NO IDEA where some of the stuff could possibly be, but was very upset about bringing the bag back without all the stuff in it. Since I had to drive them to school this morning anyway and walk them to their classroom, I got a chnace to explain to the teacher that we can't find the folder, but everything else is inside. She was NOT happy. I tried explaining to her that he was very upset about this, which is why we ended up being late for school, and that I would buy her a new folder. Hopefully that will make up for it if we just can't find it. Today the bear came home with A, so we have another day to find it. Cross your fingers. I'm clearly getting a reputation at school since I have forgotten to pack snacks for the boys for their once-a-week snack day sometimes causing my boys to cry (good mommmy) and the boys have gone to school without their folders (I KNOW they were in there at one point; where the boys left them is ANYONE'S guess!) AND with their pants on backwards. Yep, mother of the year over here. Have to figure out a way to make the whole going to school with everything we need run smoother.

Anyway, my point after this whole long list of excuses and whining (sorry!) is that I need some accountability for ALL that I need to do. Here is my list for the rest of the afternoon, to attempt to accomplish between redirecting the kids towards somewhat meaningful opportunities and trying to keep J from running around too much in the hopes that this will make her all better:

1) Laundry (have to get caught up so DH will stop asking if I got a chance to wash his pants - he HAS to learn to wear his pants more than once before washing them)

2) Balance checkbook and pay bills (have been doing great with this but it got away from me this month)

3) Make dinner (something more than grilled cheese)

4) Clean kitchen counters (ewwww...)

5) Clear off dining room table and sofa table (so sick of looking at the piles of crap)

6) Deal with at least SOME of the papers (I was attempting to do that on Monday, had a basket of paperwork that had piled up and my cute file box in my hand as I walked down the stairs. The papers went flying and the file box landed hard on my face. I guess I should be happy it didn't break my nose.)

7) Work with the kids on creating a routine that would make the mornings go smoother.

8) Take them to the library so I can pick up the book I need to read for Book Club tomorrow night (good thing I'm a quick reader but this might be pushing it)

9) I had three different things I wanted to do tonight outside of the house, but think my time would be better spent with DH discussing a better way of dividing up the house responsiblities so I don't lose my mind.

10) Plan out meals for the rest of THIS week at least. My weight has skyrocketed and I need to get it under control. Planning meals (and sticking to that plan) will help, just have to DO it!
This is all I can deal with tonight, but I have a party to do on Saturday, my first tea party, and need to figure out what I can easily make for the tea party portion of it. I also need to finish planning the activities to make sure I have enough and don't wait until the last minute like I did for last week's party.

If you have ideas that pop into your head after reading this, ideas that might help me pull it all together, please share them! I feel like things were kind of in balance but me falling and J getting sick have toppled the precariously piled bits of my sanity off and I'm struggling to pick up all the pieces and put them in their proper places.

Owww

Body so sore.

Bottom lip swollen.

Damn those stairs.



And I'm plan to just suck it up because tonight I'm going bowling with a lot of really cool Bloggers to kick off Bossy's Road Trip. Oh yeah.

Fortunately, Unfortunately

Fortunately, my sister agreed to take the kids home with her after school so I could have a couple hours to myself before my doctor's appointment today.

Unfortunately, I just fell down the last five of my stairs while carrying a big basket of papers to sort through down the stairs, landing on my back on the hard wood floors, on which I slammed my head.

Fortunately, I have a really cute file folder box with handles and a hard case that protects every paper inside.

Unfortunately, I was also carrying this file folder box when I was walking down the stairs. When I hit the floor, it hit me on my face and split my lip.

Fortunately, the kids weren't here to see me get hurt.

Unfortunately: OWWW!!!

I'm on Bossy's Road Trip!

So it's way past my bedtime (can't take this Daylight Savings Time stuff), but I just saw a video I wanted to share:


Oh, did I mention I'm meeting Bossy Tuesday night? Oh, yeah, I'm one of the Philly area bloggers who will be getting together to be the first official stop on her Road Trip.

WHY?!!!

I just wrote a REALLY long post as an introduction to myself for any new readers. It is great - I have LOTS of links to past posts and to the Blog Party at 5 Minutes for Mom. Every time I try to post my long post, the computer gives me an error message. ARGH!!!

Edited to add:
Look below! That LONG post I was talking about is there. It's so long I actually started it yesterday and just finished it. It wouldn't post for some reason, but now if FINALLY did. Enjoy!

Welcome to the Party!

Let's get this party started!







I decided to join the ultimate blog party over at 5 Minutes for Mom. If you want to join, here's your personal invite! Head on over and start jumping from blog to blog to check out everyone's party post. I can't wait to meet some new bloggers. Yeah, that's just what I need, something more to distract me from all the stuff I have to do!


If you are visiting for the first time - welcome! I recently spruced up the place, redecorating the template and adding lots of new page elements. I had somehow missed when Blogger changed the way you can revise your template, but now that I figured out how simple it is, I feel like I'm adding new links or buttons every other day. Hope you like it. As for this post, I had so much fu putting in links to past posts I've written. Click on any you want to get more info about ANY topic I've written. Feel free to ask about any aspect of my life. If it is too personal, I'll just let you know, but you will probably figure out soon that not too much is off-limits!

Let me introduce myself to anyone who is visiting. My name starts with an R. I started this blog when I was a full-time SAHM, hence the title, and even though I work a lot more outside of the home now, I still view myself as a part-time teacher and part-time SAHM, so I have not changed the name of my blog even though SOME people suggest it to me every time I see them. I use this blog because it's cheaper and easier than therapy. I find that I do better when I keep a journal and write in it every day. Every time I have tried to do that in a paper journal I've only been able to keep it up for a few weeks at most. Using this blog as my journal inspires me to use it every day (well, at least more often than if it had been a book for me to write in). Be sure to look on my sidebar for a description of my "cast of characters."

I met my DH in high school. We were good friends, nothing more, for about three years before we ended up dancing together at a friend's party the summer after my first year of college. The sparks started flying; we've been together ever since.


During our first seven years of marriage I taught elementary school. As much as I loved teaching, we both LOVED the idea of having our own kids, so for five of those years we tried everything we could to conceive. Eventually our 2nd attempt of IVF was successful and I became pregnant with my two beautiful boys. My pregnancy with them turned out to be a little more complicated than I expected, but all's well that ends well. And fifteen months later we were amazed to discover that my body actually worked on its own - I became pregnant with J. The kids are two years apart. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that the boys just turned six last week and that J will be four on St. Patrick's Day.

When the boys were born, I couldn't do much of anything besides nurse and change their diapers, but as they got a little older, I needed to find alternative ways to bring in more money. Basically I started doing everything I could to use my teaching experience and still stay home with the boys. I started watching my nephew full-time and running a Moms Morning Out out of the house. I also taught part-time at the synagogue. Things got more complicated when I got pg with J, so I took a break with all that then, but once she was born we started things up again. Eventually my sister gave birth to my niece so I added her to the mix.

When A was finally diagnosed with Asperger's I told my sister I couldn't watch my niece and nephew anymore. I just needed more time to focus on him. But I kept up with all my part-time teaching at the synagogue so I could still bring in more money. This year I started teachig preschool at the synagogue 5 mornings a week as well as all the other part-time teaching I've been doing. I also started my own business providing entertainment at kids' birthday parties. And I'm STILL a SAHM for the most part when my kids are home.

Writing this post has been so much fun. I got to look through so many past posts that I have written. I know it may not have been that funny or exciting for all of you reading, but with three kids running around trying to get my attention I had to spread the writing of it over two days and it was the best I could do. For those of you visiting for the first time, I gave you a small explanation and description of my life. Hope you enjoyed it. PLEASE leave a comment to let me know you've been here - I promise to return the favor!

EDITED TO ADD:
Just read some of the fine print at 5 Minutes for Mom and realized if I wanted to win one of the incredible prizes, I needed to post which ones I like! So here are the prizes that look great to me:

1) A new blog design by Sweet 'n' Simple Design
2) A new blog design by Summer
3) A blog makeover by Shauna

Notice a theme?

Of course, if these are already taken, I would love a couple others, like #8 Fifty Nights of Family Fun or #58 a 6 week custom fitness plan (because you KNOW that's why I haven't been exercising, I just didn't have a plan).

Say Cheese!

As I type this post, I'm watching Kadi's episode of Supernanny that I had Tivoed. Did any of you watch it? So neat to see someone that I kind of know (or at least feel like I know since I've read her blog). And I'm totally stealing the hearts idea - writing something positive for each child to give it to them at dinnertime. What a great way to focus on each child as an individual!

I've been thinking a lot about people's perceptions of me. Many people that see me on a regular basis will comment on my constant smile. They seem to feel that since they see a smile all the time I must just be happy all the time. It's really funny to me that people perceive me like that. I have major clinical depression. I have gone through serious bouts where I've been unable to even get out of bed. I have gone through therapy. I am on medication and accept that I will need to be on it probably for the rest of my life. I also have no doubt that over the years my medication levels will probably have to be readjusted. I constantly have to focus on my energy level and making sure I don't get overwhelmed, since those two things are usually the first indicators of having problems with the depression.

In college I read a quote by Abe Lincoln, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." It really changed my life. I know for me and for many other people there is a chemical imbalance to contend with, but I also know a lot of times I have to make a choice. If I don't take care of myself, especially when I end up staying up too late, I have a hard time coping. When I have a hard time coping, I get overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, I end up staying up too late. And the cycle continues. If I'm tired I often have trouble getting off the couch or away from the computer. I have to push myself, make the choice, to get up and get moving. When I don't, I end up feeling so bad about myself and my day.

I make a choice to keep a smile on my face. It's not always easy; there are plenty of times where I have to make a very concious choice to take a deep breath instead of reacting, to not show my true feelings for fear of scaring my kids or my students or of alienating the people around me. I make a choice to smile. And a remarkable thing happens. Just like Anna in The King and I sings about whistling a happy tune when she feels afraid, "for when I fool the people I fear I fool myself as well," when I keep a smile on my face I often "fool myself as well" too! It's an amazing thing.

So people will continue to comment about my perpetual smile, my constant-state of happiness, and I will continue to make the choice to KEEP that smile on my face. I know I'm faking it sometimes, but I'm still making the choice. And most of the times, even if I'm NOT feeling happy, I can often fool myself into believing that things are okay.

Just watch out for those few times when you DON'T see that smile!

This is the best I can do

Crazy day.

Crazy week.

Too tired to write in complete sentences.

Got kids dressed and out the door. Double-checked that the boys had on underwear AND had their pants facing the right direction (apparently this has been a problem at school - yeah, don't I feel like mother of the year).

Set up room for class today.

Met with parent for a conference.

Taught my two year olds from 9-12.

Drove my children plus my nephew to my sister's for lunch.

Left them there and went for a stress echocardiogram. Yep, nothing like stripping to my waist for a room full of women I just met, getting all hooked up with wires, being poked and prodded and holding my breath till they find JUST the right picture, walking/running on the treadmill until my heart is beating at 90% capacity (?), jumping off said treadmill and laying down immediately to be poked and prodded and forced to hold my breath while I'm gasping for air. Good times.

Set up for my final drama class (after-school enrichement class)/performance. Since we hadn't been able to finalize the show, I thought fast on my feet and created a talk show/interview performance where I had their characters tell the story with my prompting. Luckily it worked great.

Got home and made dinner for my family plus my sister and her kids (DH repaid J watching our kids earlier today by watching hers while she subbed for Hebrew School).

Helped (yay, DH was HOME!) get kids ready for and in bed.

Watched America's Next Top Model ("Wanna be on top?" - best theme song EVER!) with DH. Yes, we were too tired for anything more intellectual.

And now I'm updating my blog.

Then I'm off to bed.

I hope to have more interesting things to write about tomorrow.
For now, this is the best I can do.

I Love Suppernanny!

Trying to ignore J's cries.

She wants her toy/flashlight. I don't know where it is. She doesn't go to sleep with it every night and even has a nightlight on right now, so she doesn't REALLY need it. But tonight she has decided she needs it right now!

Even if I found it right now, I wouldn't bring it to her for fear of reinforcing the tantrum.

So now I sit downstairs and work hard on ignoring her.

When she gets out of bed I will walk her back without talking to her, ala the "Stay-in-Bed Technique" from Suppernanny. But for now, she's staying in bed and I'm just sitting down here listening to her scream. ARGH!

****************************
Couldn't take it. Twenty minutes of crying, then A came out to complain (the three kids share a room) that he couldn't hear the radio. J stopped crying long enough to tell me exactly where the flashlight was, I brought it to her, it's now quiet upstairs. Yes, I totally caved.

**********************************************
On another note, did you check out that clip on the Suppernanny website? I started reading this really need blog named Seven Seeds, written by a mom with SEVEN kids. Her family will be on Supernanny this week! I cannot wait to watch this episode since, after reading the blog, I feel like I know her!

NaBloPoMo

It used to be bloggers used the month of November to challenge themselves to write one post every day. No more shall that challenge be limited to November. Look to my sidebar on the right side! I pledge to write one post a day for this whole month. I know, I know, I missed yesterday. So sue me! I'll try to do two one day to make up for that. Sheesh - some of you are so picky!